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A Midsummer Night’s Dream: The 30-Minute Shakespeare

 

SCENE 1 (ACT III, SCENE II).

 

NARRATOR  

In the woods outside of Athens, Oberon, the king of the fairies, and Puck, a hobgoblin in Oberon’s service are wreaking havoc on the love lives of our characters by anointing their eyes with love juice, sometimes with unexpected consequences!

OBERON
I wonder if Titania be awaked;
Then, what it was that next came in her eye,
Which she must dote on in extremity.-
Here comes my messenger.
            [Enter PUCK]
How now, mad spirit!
What night-rule now about this haunted grove?

 

PUCK

My mistress with a monster is in love. 
A crew of patches, rude mechanicals,
Were met together to rehearse a play,
The shallowest thickskin of that barren sort,
An ass’s nole I fixed on his head:
So, at his sight, away his fellows fly;
When in that moment,—so it came to pass,—
Titania waked, and straightway loved an ass.

 

OBERON

This falls out better than I could devise.
But hast thou yet latch’d the Athenian’s eyes
With the love-juice, as I did bid thee do?

 

PUCK
I took him sleeping,—that is finish’d too,—
And the Athenian woman by his side;
That, when he waked, of force she must be eyed.

 

[Enter HERMIA and DEMETRIUS]. 

 

OBERON

Stand close: this is the same Athenian. 

 

PUCK

This is the woman, but not this the man.

 

DEMETRIUS
O, why rebuke you him that loves you so?

 

HERMIA
For thou, I fear, hast given me cause to curse.
If thou hast slain Lysander in his sleep,
See me no more, whether he be dead or no.

 

DEMETRIUS
There is no following her in this fierce vein:
Here therefore for a while I will remain.
            

OBERON
What hast thou done? thou hast mistaken quite,
And laid the love-juice on some true-love’s sight:
About the wood go swifter than the wind,
And Helena of Athens look thou find:
By some illusion see thou bring her here:
I’ll charm his eyes against she do appear.

 

PUCK
I go, I go; look how I go,
Swifter than arrow from the Tartar’s bow.

 

OBERON Flower of this purple dye,
Hit with Cupid’s archery,

            Sink in apple of his eye!
When his love he doth espy,
Let her shine as gloriously
As the Venus of the sky. 

 

PUCK 
Captain of our fairy band,
Helena is here at hand;
And the youth, mistook by me,
Pleading for a lover’s fee.
Shall we their fond pageant see?
Lord, what fools these mortals be!

LYSANDER
Why should you think that I should woo in scorn?
Scorn and derision never come in tears:
Look, when I vow, I weep.

 

HELENA
You do advance your cunning more and more.
When truth kills truth, O devilish-holy fray!
These vows are Hermia’s: will you give her o’er?

 

LYSANDER
I had no judgment when to her I swore.
Demetrius loves her, and he loves not you.

 

DEMETRIUS [awaking;]
O Helen, goddess, nymph, perfect, divine!
Thy lips, those kissing cherries, tempting grow!
O, let me kiss
This princess of pure white, this seal of bliss! 
            

HELENA

O spite! O hell! I see you all are bent
To set against me for your merriment:
You both are rivals, and love Hermia;
And now both rivals, to mock Helena. 
            

LYSANDER
You are unkind, Demetrius; be not so;
For you love Hermia;- this you know I know:

 

DEMETRIUS
Lysander, keep thy Hermia; I will none:
If e’er I lov’d her, all that love is gone.

 

DEMETRIUS [to Lysander]
Look, where thy love comes; yonder is thy dear.

 

HERMIA
Lysander, found; 
Mine ear, I thank it, brought me to thy sound.
But why unkindly didst thou leave me so?

 

LYSANDER
Why should he stay, whom love doth press to go?

 

HERMIA 
What love could press Lysander from my side?

 

LYSANDER 
Lysander’s love, that would not let him bide,- 
Fair Helena; who more engilds the night
Than all yon fiery O’s and eyes of light.
[to Hermia] Why seek’st thou me? could not this make thee know,
The hate I bear thee made me leave thee so?

 

HERMIA 
You speak not as you think: it cannot be.

 

HELENA
Lo, she is one of this confederacy!
Now I perceive they have conjoin’d all three
To fashion this false sport in spite of me.
Injurious Hermia! most ungrateful maid!
Have you conspired, have you with these contrived
To bait me with this foul derision?

 

HERMIA 

I am amazed at your passionate words.
I scorn you not: it seems that you scorn me.

 

HELENA
Have you not set Lysander, as in scorn,
To follow me, and praise my eyes and face?
And made your other love, Demetrius—
Who even but now did spurn me with his foot—
To call me goddess, nymph, divine, and rare.

 

LYSANDER
Stay, gentle Helena; hear my excuse:
My love, my life, my soul, fair Helena!

 

HELENA
O excellent!

 

HERMIA [to Lysander]
Sweet, do not scorn her so.

 

LYSANDER)
Helen, I love thee; by my life, I do. 

 

DEMETRIUS 

I say I love thee more than he can do.

 

LYSANDER 
If thou say so, withdraw, and prove it too.   

.

DEMETRIUS
Quick, come!

 

HERMIA
Lysander, whereto tends all this? 

 

LYSANDER [to Hermia]
Hang off, thou cat, thou burr! vile thing, let loose,
Or I will shake thee from me like a serpent! 

 

HERMIA
Am not I Hermia? are not you Lysander?
I am as fair now as I was erewhile.
Since night you loved me; yet since night you left me:

 

LYSANDER
Ay, by my life;
And never did desire to see thee more.
Be certain, nothing truer; ‘tis no jest
That I do hate thee, and love Helena.

 

HERMIA [to Helena]
O me!— you juggler! you canker-blossom!
You thief of love! what, have you come by night
And stol’n my love’s heart from him?

 

HELENA 
Fie, fie! you counterfeit, you puppet, you!

 

HERMIA
Puppet! why, so; ay, that way goes the game.
Now I perceive that she hath made compare
Between our statures; she hath urged her height;
And are you grown so high in his esteem,
Because I am so dwarfish and so low?
How low am I, thou painted maypole? Speak;
How low am I? I am not yet so low
But that my nails can reach unto thine eyes. 

 

HELENA

 I pray you, though you mock me, gentlemen,
Let her not hurt me: 
You perhaps may think,
Because she is something lower than myself,
That I can match her.

 

HERMIA
Lower! hark, again.

 

HELENA
O, when she’s angry, she is keen and shrewd!
And though she be but little, she is fierce.

 

HERMIA

Little again! Let me come to her. 
            

LYSANDER

Get you gone, you dwarf;
You minimus, of hind’ring knot-grass made;
You bead, you acorn.

 

LYSANDER [to Demetrius]
Now follow, if thou darest, to try whose right,
Of thine or mine, is most in Helena.

 

DEMETRIUS
Follow! nay, I’ll go with thee, cheek by jowl.

 

HELENA
Your hands than mine are quicker for a fray;
My legs are longer though, to run away. 

 

HERMIA
I am amazed, and know not what to say.

 

OBERON
This is thy negligence. 

 

PUCK
Believe me, king of shadows, I mistook.

 

OBERON
Thou see’st these lovers seek a place to fight:
Hie therefore, Robin, overcast the night;
Then crush this herb into Lysander’s eye;
And make his eyeballs roll with wonted sight.
When they next wake, all this derision
Shall seem a dream and fruitless vision.

 

PUCK 
Up and down, up and down,
I will lead them up and down:
Here comes one

LYSANDER
Where art thou, proud Demetrius? speak thou now.

 

PUCK [imitating Demetrius]
Here, villain; drawn and ready. 
Follow me, then,
To plainer ground.

 

LYSANDER 
When I come where he calls,
then he is gone 

[yawns] 

Here will I rest me. 

DEMETRIUS [not seeing Lysander]
Lysander! speak again:
Thou runaway, thou coward, art thou fled?

 

PUCK
Ho, ho, ho! Coward, why comest thou not? 

 

DEMETRIUS
Thou runn’st before me, shifting every place.
Faintness constraineth me
To measure out my length on this cold bed. 
            

HELENA
O weary night, O long and tedious night,
Sleep, that sometime shuts up sorrow’s eye,
Steal me awhile from mine own company. 
            

PUCK
Yet but three? Come one more;
Two of both kinds makes up four.
Here she comes, curst and sad:-
Cupid is a knavish lad,
Thus to make poor females mad.

 

HERMIA
Never so weary, never so in woe;
I can no further crawl, no further go;
Here will I rest me till the break of day.
            

PUCK
On the ground
Sleep sound:
I’ll apply
To your eye,
Gentle lover, remedy.

            [squeezing the herb on LYSANDER’s eyelids]

 

When thou wakest,
Thou takest
True delight
In the sight
Of thy former lady’s eye

 

SCENE 2 (ACT IV, SCENE I)

 

NARRATOR 

Through magical fairie mischief, Bottom the Weaver has been transformed into an ass, and Titania, Queen of the fairies has fallen in love with him. We are still in the woods . . .

 

TITANIA)
Come, sit thee down upon this flowery bed, 
While I thy amiable cheeks do coy,
And stick musk-roses in thy sleek smooth head,
And kiss thy fair large ears, my gentle joy.

 

BOTTOM
Where’s Peas-blossom?

 

PEAS-BLOSSOM
Ready.

 

BOTTOM
Scratch my head, Peas-blossom.
Where’s Monsieur Cobweb?

 

COBWEB
Ready.

 

BOTTOM
Monsieur Cobweb, good monsieur, get your weapons in your hand, and kill me a red-hipp’d humble-bee on the top of a thistle; and, good monsieur, bring me the honey-bag.

Where’s Monsieur Mustard-Seed?

 

MUSTARD-SEED

What’s your will?

 

BOTTOM
Nothing, good monsieur, but to help Cavalery Peas-blossom to scratch.

I must to the barber’s, monsieur; for methinks I am
marvelous hairy about the face; and I am such a
tender ass, if my hair do but tickle me, I must scratch.

 

TITANIA
What, wilt thou hear some music, my sweet love?

 

BOTTOM
I have a reasonable good ear in music: let’s have the tongs and bones. 

 

[Bottom yawns]

 

 I have an exposition of sleep come upon me.

 

TITANIA
Sleep thou, and I will wind thee in my arms.-
Fairies, be gone, and be all ways away.
O, how I love thee! how I dote on thee! 

 

 

OBERON

Welcome, good Robin. See’st thou this sweet sight?
Her dotage now I do begin to pity: I will undo
This hateful imperfection of her eyes:
And, gentle Puck, take this transformed scalp
From off the head of this Athenian swain;
That he, awaking when the other do,
May all to Athens back again repair,
And think no more of this night’s accidents,
But as the fierce vexation of a dream.
But first I will release the fairy queen.
Be as thou wast wont to be

See as thou wast wont to see:
Now, my Titania: wake you, my sweet queen.

 

TITANIA 
My Oberon! what visions have I seen!
Methought I was enamour’d of an ass.

 

OBERON 
There lies your love.

 

TITANIA)
How came these things to pass?)
O, how mine eyes do loathe his visage now! 
            

OBERON
Silence awhile.—Robin, take off this head.—
Titania, music call; and strike more dead
Than common sleep of all these five the sense.

 

TITANIA
Music, ho! music, such as charmeth sleep. 

 

PUCK
Now, when thou wakest, with thine own fool’s eyes peep. 
            

TITANIA
Come, my lord; and in our flight,
Tell me how it came this night
That I sleeping here was found
With these mortals on the ground.

 

THESEUS
We will, fair queen, up to the mountain’s top,
But, soft! what nymphs are these? 
            

EGEUS
My lord, this is my daughter here asleep
And this, Lysander; this Demetrius is;
This Helena, I wonder of their being here together.

 

THESEUS 

Wake them.

 

LYSANDER
Pardon, my lord.
            

THESEUS
I pray you all, stand up.
I know you two are rival enemies: 
How comes this gentle concord in the world,
That hatred is so far from jealousy,
To sleep by hate, and fear no enmity?

 

LYSANDER
My lord, 
I cannot truly say how I came here;
I came with Hermia hither 

EGEUS

I beg the law, the law, upon his head.

 

DEMETRIUS
But, my good lord, I wot not by what power,—
But by some power it is,—my love to Hermia,
Melted as the snow,
And all the faith, the virtue of my heart,
The object, and the pleasure of mine eye,
Is only Helena. 
            

THESEUS
Fair lovers, you are fortunately met:
Egeus, I will overbear your will;
For in the temple, by and by, with us
These couples shall eternally be knit:
Away with us to Athens! three and three,
We’ll hold a feast in great solemnity.
Come, Hippolyta.

 

DEMETRIUS

Are you sure
That we are awake? It seems to me
That yet we sleep, we dream.- 
Let’s follow him;
And, by the way, let us recount our dreams.

 

BOTTOM [awaking]
I have had a most rare vision. I have had a dream,—past the wit of man to say what dream it was: man is but an ass, if he go about to expound this dream. Methought I was (and methought I had) but man is but a patch’d fool, if he will offer to say what methought I had. I will get Peter Quince to write a ballad of this dream: it shall be called Bottom’s Dream, because it hath no bottom; and I will sing it in the latter end of a play before the duke:

 

SCENE 3 (ACT V, SCENE I)

Athens. An apartment in the palace of Theseus

 

 

NARRATOR 
To complete our festive comedy, Bottom and the
“rude mechanicals” perform the merry and tragical play of Pyramus and Thisbe for Theseus and Hippolyta and our newly married lovers. The fairies bless the three marriages and all is well. But still we wonder, has this all been a dream?

 

 

THESEUS
Here come the lovers, full of joy and mirth.
Come now; what masks, what dances shall we have,
What revels are in hand? Call Philostrate.

 

PHILOSTRATE 
Here, mighty Theseus.

 

THESEUS
Say, what abridgement have you for this evening?
What mask? what music?

 

PHILOSTRATE
Make choice of which your highness will see first.

 

THESEUS [reading]
“The battle with the Centaurs, to be sung
By an Athenian eunuch to the harp.”
We’ll none of that: 
That is an old device; 
 “A tedious brief scene of young Pyramus
And his love Thisbe; very tragical mirth.”
Merry and tragical! tedious and brief!
That is, hot ice and wondrous strange snow.
How shall we find the concord of this discord?

 

PHILOSTRATE
A play there is, my lord, some ten words long,
But by ten words, my lord, it is too long,
There is not one word apt, one player fitted:

 

THESEUS
What are they that do play it?

 

PHILOSTRATE
Hard-handed men, that work in Athens here,
Which never labour’d in their minds till now;

 

THESEUS
And we will hear it.

 

PHILOSTRATE
No, my noble lord;
It is not for you: I have heard it over,
And it is nothing, nothing in the world;

 

THESEUS
I will hear that play;
For never any thing can be amiss,
When simpleness and duty tender it.
Go, bring them in:-and take your places, ladies.

 

PHILOSTRATE
So please your grace, the Prologue is address’d.

 

THESEUS
Let him approach. 

.

PROLOGUE
If we offend, it is with our good will.
That is the true beginning of our end.
The actors are at hand; and, by their show,
You shall know all that you are like to know.
            

THESEUS
This fellow doth not stand upon points.

 

LYSANDER
He hath rid his prologue like a rough colt;

 

HIPPOLYTA
Indeed he hath play’d on his prologue like a child 
on a recorder.

 

THESEUS
Who is next?

 

PROLOGUE
Gentles, perchance you wonder at this show;
But wonder on, till truth make all things plain.

 

WALL 
In this same interlude it doth befall
That I, one Snout by name, present a wall;
And such a wall, as I would have you think,
That had in it a crannied hole or chink,
Through which the lovers, Pyramus and Thisbe,
Did whisper often very secretly.

 

THESEUS
Pyramus draws near the wall: silence!

 

PYRAMUS
O grim-look’d night! O night with hue so black!
O night, which ever art when day is not!
I fear my Thisbe’s promise is forgot!—
And thou, O wall, O sweet, O lovely wall,
That stand’st between her father’s ground and mine!
Show me thy chink, to blink through with mine eyne!.
Thanks, courteous wall: Jove shield thee well for this!
But what see I? No Thisbe do I see.
O wicked wall, through whom I see no bliss!
            

THISBE
O wall, full often hast thou heard my moans,
My cherry lips have often kiss’d thy stones. 

 

PYRAMUS
I see a voice: now will I to the chink,
To spy an I can hear my Thisbe’s face.—
Thisbe!

 

THISBE
My love! thou art my love, I think.

 

PYRAMUS
O, kiss me through the hole of this vile wall!

 

THISBE
I kiss the wall’s hole, not your lips at all. 

 

PYRAMUS
Wilt thou at Ninny’s tomb meet me straightway?

 

QUINCE [exasperated] Ninus’ Tomb!

 

THISBE
‘Tide life, ‘tide death, I come without delay.

 

WALL
Thus have I, wall, my part discharged so;
And, being done, thus wall away doth go.

 

HIPPOLYTA
This is the silliest stuff that e’er I heard.

 

THESEUS
Here come two noble beasts in, a moon and a lion.

.

LION
You, ladies may now perchance both quake 
and tremble here,
When lion rough in wildest rage doth roar.
Then know that I one 
Snug the joiner am,

 

THESEUS
A very gentle beast, and of a good conscience.
Let us listen to the moon.

 

MOONSHINE
This lantern doth the horned moon present;
Myself the man-i’-th’-moon do seem to be.

 

HIPPOLYTA 
I am aweary of this moon. Would he would change.

 

LYSANDER
Proceed, moon.

 

MOONSHINE
All that I have to say is, to tell you that the lantern 
is the moon; I, the man-i’-th’-moon; this thorn-bush, my thorn-bush; and this dog, my dog.

 

DEMETRIUS
Here comes Thisbe.

 

THISBE
This is old Ninny’s tomb. 

 

QUINCE 

Ninus’ tomb, man!

 

THISBE
This is old Ninnies’ tomb!. Where is my love?

 

QUINCE, “Aarrrgh!” 

 

LION
O—

DEMETRIUS
Well roar’d, lion.

 

THESEUS
Well run, Thisbe.

 

HIPPOLYTA
Well shone, moon.

 

THESEUS
Well moused, lion.

 

DEMETRIUS
And then came Pyramus.

 

PYRAMUS
Sweet moon, I thank thee for thy sunny beams;
But mark, poor knight,
What dreadful dole is here!
Eyes, do you see?
How can it be?
O dainty duck! O dear!
Thy mantle good,
What, stain’d with blood?
Come, tears, confound;
Out, sword, and wound
The pap of Pyramus,—
Ay, that left pap,
Where heart doth hop: [stabs himself]
Thus die I, thus, thus.

Now am I dead,
Now am I fled;
My soul is in the sky:
Tongue, lose thy light;
Moon, take thy flight:.
Now die, die, die, die, die. (dies)

 

THESEUS
With the help of a surgeon he might yet recover, 
and yet prove an ass.

 

THISBE

Asleep, my love?
What, dead my dove?
O Pyramus, arise!
Speak, speak. Quite dumb?
Dead, dead? A tomb
Must cover thy sweet eyes.
His eyes were green as leeks.
Come, trusty sword;
Come, blade, my breast imbrue [stabs herself]
And, farewell, friends,—
Thus Thisbe ends,-
Adieu, adieu, adieu.  dies]

 

BOTTOM 
Will it please you to see the epilogue, or to hear a Bergomask dance between two of our company?

 

THESEUS
No epilogue, I pray you; for your play needs no excuse.       The iron tongue of midnight hath told twelve:
Lovers, to bed; ’tis almost fairy-time. 

 

OBERON
Now, until the break of day,
Through this house each fairy stray.
So shall all the couples three
Ever true in loving be; 

PUCK

If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,-
That you have but slumber’d here,
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,

PUCK
And Robin shall restore amends!

 

ALL REPEAT

And Robin shall restore amends!

All raise arms holding hands, and bow!