The30MinuteShakespeare

Twenty-three actors performed in the original production. This number can be increased to about thirty or decreased toabout twelve by having actors share or double roles.

For the full breakdown of characters, see Sample Program.

FESTE: Jester to Countess Olivia MARIA: Olivia’s waiting gentlewoman OLIVIA: An Illyrian countess

VIOLA: A lady of Messaline shipwrecked on the coast of Illyria (disguised as Cesario)

MALVOLIO: Steward in Olivia’s household

ORSINO: Duke of Illyria

CURIO: Gentleman serving Orsino

SIR TOBY BELCH: Olivia’s kinsman

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK: Sir Toby’s companion

ATTENDANTS MUSICIANS NARRATORS

✴ SCENE 1. (ACT I, SCENE V)

Olivia’s house.

STAGEHANDS set bench stage right, chair stage left, and table center stage.

Enter NARRATOR from stage rear.

As NARRATOR introduces the roles, players enter from stage rear, cross the stage in character, and exit stage right (see Performance Notes).

NARRATOR

Our story takes place in Illyria, an ancient (and mythical) country in Southern Europe on the Adriatic Sea. Two twins, Sebastian and Viola are separated in a shipwreck. Viola, believing her brother Sebastian to be dead, disguises herself as a man and takes a position as a page in the Court of the Duke Orsino, who is romantically pursuing the wealthy Countess Olivia, still mourning the sudden death of her brother. Livingat Olivia’s household is her drunken cousin Sir Toby, with frequent visits by his goofy party friend Sir Andrew Aguecheek.

Also at Olivia’s house are the puritanical and fun- hating Malvolio, the maid, Maria, and the court Fool, who comes and goes as he pleases, Feste: So, our tale begins, with Viola being sent to Olivia’s estate to deliver a love message from the Duke Orsino,

(whispering to audience) whom Viola herself secretly loves. The scene takes place in the courtyard of the estate of Countess Olivia.

Exit NARRATOR stage rear.

FESTE, stage right, by bench, is practicing balancing a broom on his chin. Enter MARIA from stage rear. When she enters, FESTE gives a surprised yelp, and the broom drops.

MARIA (takes the broom from the ground and sweeps under the table and chair)

Tell me where thou hast been!

My lady will hang thee for thy absence.

FESTE

Let her hang me: he that is well hang’d in this world need to fear no colours.

MARIA

That may you be bold to say in your foolery.

(sweeps FESTE’S shoes playfully)

FESTE

Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents. (juggles, center stage, and bows to audience)

MARIA

Peace, you rogue, no more o’ that. Here comes my lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.

(places the broom against the table)

Exit MARIA stage rear.

FESTE (looking upward)

Wit, an’t be thy will, put me into good fooling!

(winks at audience)

Enter LADY OLIVIA stage left with ATTENDANTS behind her and

MALVOLIO bringing up the rear. OLIVIA sits in stage left chair, MALVOLIO stands to her right, and ATTENDANTS standon either side of the table.

FESTE (with a big bow and flourish of his hat)

God bless thee, lady!

OLIVIA (to MALVOLIO)

Take the fool away.

MALVOLIO starts to take FESTE’S arm, but the latter nimbly escapes, spins around, and lands on the bench in a cross-legged pose, smiling cleverly.

FESTE

The lady bade take away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.

OLIVIA

Sir, I bade them take away you.

FESTE

Lady, I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.

OLIVIA

Make your proof.

FESTE (approaches the chair and kneels at OLIVIA’S feet)

Good madonna, why mourn’st thou?

OLIVIA

Good fool, for my brother’s death.

FESTE

I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

OLIVIA

I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

FESTE

The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother’s soul being in heaven. Takeaway the fool, gentlemen.

FESTE stands, puts the fool’s cap on OLIVIA’S head, pauses, and puts it on MALVOLIO’S head instead. He begins tolead MALVOLIO out, stage right, but the latter realizes what is happening and indignantly pushes FESTE away.FESTE tumbles over backward, spins around the stage right pole, and finishes leaning against the pole, smiling. MALVOLIO stiffly assumes his position at OLIVIA’S right, and she cracks a small smile at this foolery.

OLIVIA

What think you of this fool, Malvolio? Doth he not mend?

MALVOLIO

Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him. Infirmity, that decays the wise, dothever make the better fool.

FESTE

God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! (begins to balance the broom on his chin again)

OLIVIA

How say you to that, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal.

MALVOLIO crosses to FESTE and casts the broom across the room with his cane, knocking FESTE to the ground in the process.

FESTE shoots him a dirty look.

Look you now, he’s out of his guard already.

ATTENDANT picks up the broom, casually sweeping a little dust toward MALVOLIO, places it at the side of the table,and resumes her position.

OLIVIA

O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio.

Exit MALVOLIO stage right, cocking his ear as if hearing a knock at the door.

(calling after the departing MALVOLIO) There is no slander in an allow’d fool, though he do nothing but rail.

FESTE (regains his composure and grasps the broom once more, dancing around the room)

Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speak’st well of fools!

Exit FESTE stage right, still dancing with the broom. Enter MALVOLIO stage right, passing the dancing FESTE andgiving him a dirty look. FESTE sweeps the feet and pants of MALVOLIO, who hurries away, indignant, and takes his place at OLIVIA’S right.

MALVOLIO

Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you. What isto be said to him, lady? He’s fortified against any denial.

OLIVIA

Tell him he shall not speak with me.

MALVOLIO

Has been told so.

OLIVIA

What kind o’ man is he?

MALVOLIO

Why, of mankind.

OLIVIA

Of what personage and years is he?

MALVOLIO

Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy; one would think his mother’smilk were scarce out of him.

OLIVIA

Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.

MALVOLIO (calling toward curtain)

Gentlewoman, my lady calls.

Exit MALVOLIO stage right. Enter MARIA from curtain.

OLIVIA stands and crosses to table, facing the audience. ATTENDANTS brush her hair and hold the mirror as sheapplies her lipstick.

OLIVIA

Give me my veil: come, throw it o’er my face. We’ll once more hear Orsino’s embassy.

MARIA places OLIVIA’S veil over her face and then dons her own, as do the ATTENDANTS. They all stand in a line in frontof the chair.

Enter VIOLA, clutching in her hand a rolled up scroll of paper tied with a ribbon. She is confused by the ladies,approaches them, sits on the bench, stands, and tentatively approaches them again.

VIOLA

The honourable lady of the house, which is she?

OLIVIA

Speak to me; I shall answer for her. Your will?

VIOLA (reading from her paper)

Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty, (stops reading) I pray you,tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her: I would be loathe to cast away my speech.

OLIVIA

What are you? What would you?

VIOLA

What I am, and what I would, are as secret as maidenhead: to your ears, divinity; to any other’s, profanation. (looks atATTENDANTS and motions with her head for them to leave)

OLIVIA

Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.

Exit MARIA and ATTENDANTS stage rear.

VIOLA

Good madam, let me see your face.

OLIVIA (moves toward the table and takes a quick peek at the mirror)

You are now out of your text: but we will draw the curtain, and show you thepicture. (removes her veil) Look you, sir, such a one I was, this present: is’t not well done?

VIOLA (with a look of admiration, and perhaps some envy or disappointment)

Excellently done, if God did all.

OLIVIA

’Tis in grain, sir; ’twill endure wind and weather.

VIOLA

My lord and master loves you.

OLIVIA

How does he love me?

VIOLA

With adorations, with fertile tears,

With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.

OLIVIA

Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him.

(returns to her chair, and sits)

VIOLA

If I did love you in my master’s flame,

With such a suffering, such a deadly life, In your denial I would find no sense;

I would not understand it.

OLIVIA

Why, what would you?

VIOLA (strolls to the stage right pole, leans against it, and gazes out toward the audience)

Make me a willow cabin at your gate, And call upon my soul within the house; Write loyal cantons of contemned love,

And sing them loud even in the dead of night; Halloo your name to the reverberate hills, And make the babbling gossip of the air

Cry out, “Olivia!”

OLIVIA (stands up from chair and moves slowly and somewhat seductively toward VIOLA, backing her into the stage right pole)

You might do much. What is your parentage?

VIOLA

Above my fortunes, yet my state is well: (clears her throat and tries to speak in a lower, more masculine voice)

I am a gentleman.

OLIVIA

Get you to your lord;

I cannot love him: let him send no more; Unless, perchance, you come to me again, To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well:

I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.

(gives her a large coin)

VIOLA

I am no fee’d post, lady; keep your purse: (starts to leave stage right, stops, and turns back)

My master, not myself, lacks recompense. Farewell, fair cruelty.

Exit VIOLA stage right.

OLIVIA (walking excitedly in a semicircle toward the table, stopping to inspect herself in the mirror)

Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions, and spirit, Do give thee fivefold blazon: not too fast;

(stops center stage to keep herself in check)

Soft, soft!

Even so quickly may one catch the plague?

(catches her breath, leaning against the table for support; takes a sip of wine, fans herself, looks at the wine glass, then drains it in one gulp)

Methinks I feel this youth’s perfections With an invisible and subtle stealth

To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be. What, ho, Malvolio!

Enter MALVOLIO stage right.

MALVOLIO

Here, madam, at your service.

OLIVIA

Run after that same peevish messenger,

The county’s man: he left this ring behind him, If that the youth will come this way to-morrow, I’ll give him reasons for’t. (hands him the ring)

Hie thee, Malvolio.

MALVOLIO

Madam, I will.

Exit MALVOLIO stage right.

OLIVIA (facing front)

I do I know not what; and fear to find Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.

Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe; What is decreed must be, and be this so!

Exit OLIVIA, quickly, stage left.

STAGEHANDS remove bench, place chair stage right, bring on throne and place it to the right of chair, and placetable stage left, setting it with wine bottle, glasses, and a plate of fruit.

Enter NARRATOR from stage rear.

✴ SCENE 2. (ACT II, SCENE IV)

Duke Orsino’s palace.

NARRATOR

Back at Duke Orsino’s palace, the Duke has a “man to man” talk with Viola about men’s passions, as Viola struggles to keep her own feelings for the Duke secret.

Exit NARRATOR stage rear.

Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, and CURIO from stage left. Enter DUKE ORSINO’S BAND from stage rear, comically playing over one an- other. DUKE ORSINO sits in his throne, with VIOLA in the chair to his left and CURIO standing to the right of the table. CURIO offers an apple slice to DUKE ORSINO, who takes a thoughtful bite and puts the slice back on the tray. The music stops.

DUKE ORSINO

If Music be the food of love, play on! Now, good Cesario, but that pieceof song,

That old and antique song we heard last night: Methought it did relieve my passion much, Come, but one verse.

CURIO

He is not here, so please your lordship, that should sing it.

CURIO offers an apple slice to VIOLA, who reaches for it then changes her mind. As CURIO passes by BAND, a membergrabs

a slice, and the other members roll their eyes. Before she can eat it, CURIO snatches the slice away, looks around,cleans it off a bit, and puts it back on the tray. He then takes a bite of fruit himself, and puts the rest in his pocket.

DUKE ORSINO

Who was it?

CURIO (regaining his composure, trying not to reveal that he has eaten the fruit)

Feste, the jester, my lord; a fool that the Lady Olivia’s father took much delight in: he is about the house.

DUKE ORSINO

Seek him out: and play the tune the while.

Exit CURIO stage left.

Once again, BAND begins to play, each member playing over the other.

Come hither, boy: if ever thou shalt love, In the sweet pangs of it remember me; How dost thou like this tune?

VIOLA

It gives a very echo to the seat Where Love is throned.

VIOLA leans against DUKE ORSINO while the music plays, and both feel a strange sense of discomfort. The music stops.

DUKE ORSINO (regains his composure)

Thou dost speak masterly:

My life upon’t, young though thou art, thine eye

Hath stay’d upon some favour that it loves; Hath it not, boy?

VIOLA

A little, by your favour.

DUKE ORSINO

What kind of woman is’t?

VIOLA

Of your complexion.

VIOLA moves her chair closer to his, beginning to lean against him, when they are surprised.

Enter CURIO and FESTE from stage rear.

DUKE ORSINO

O, fellow, come, the song we had last night. It is old and plain,

And dallies with the innocence of love, Like the old age.

FESTE

Are you ready, sir?

DUKE ORSINO

Ay; prithee, sing.

BAND MEMBER is about to get her chance for a solo, and there is a silence as she takes time to prepare. Shetriumphantly blows one note, but it is interrupted by a sudden whistle from FESTE. Enter DRUMMERS stage right, followed by other members of

FESTE’S BAND. ALL dance and move to the music, with DUKE ORSINO’S BAND eventually joining in.

FESTE (with singers repeating certain words) Come away, come away, death, And in sad cypress letme be laid; Fly away, fly away, breath;

I am slain by a fair cruel maid.

My shroud of white, stuck all with yew, O, prepare it!

My part of death, no one so true Did share it.

Not a flower, not a flower sweet,

On my black coffin let there be strown; Not a friend, not a friend greet

My poor corpse, where my bones shall be thrown: A thousand thousand sighs to save,

Lay me, O, where

Sad true lover never find my grave, To weep there!

Exit FESTE, SINGERS, BANDS, and CURIO stage right, all dancing and drumming. DUKE ORSINO and VIOLA look onamusedly. They are alone now.

VIOLA

My Lord,

Say that some lady, as perhaps there is, Hath for your love as great a pang of heart As you have for Olivia . . .

DUKE ORSINO

There is no woman’s sides

Can bide the beating of so strong a passion As love doth give my heart; no woman’s heart So big, to hold so much. Make no compare Between that love a woman can bear me

And that I owe Olivia.

VIOLA (crosses to the table and sneaks a look at herself in her pocket mirror)

Ay, but I know—

DUKE ORSINO

What dost thou know?

VIOLA (turns to face him; walks slightly forward, center stage)

Too well what love women to men may owe: In faith, they are as true of heart as we.

My father had a daughter loved a man, As it might be, perhaps, were I a woman,

I should your lordship. (throws him a coy, sidelong glance)

DUKE ORSINO

And what’s her history?

VIOLA (turns her head away from him again; speaks out to audience)

A blank, my lord. She never told her love. And, with a green and yellow melancholy, She sat like Patience on a monument,

Smiling at grief. (turns to him) Was not this love indeed? We men may say more, swear more: but, indeed,

Our shows are more than will; for still we prove Much in our vows, but little in our love.

DUKE ORSINO (walks sympathetically toward VIOLA and puts his arm around her shoulder)

But died thy sister of her love, my boy?

VIOLA (liking his touch but also finding it hard to bear; pulls away, turns, and takes a step forward)

I am all the daughters of my father’s house,

And all the brothers too; and yet I know not.

(pauses; turns back to him)

Sir, shall I to this lady?

DUKE ORSINO

Ay, that’s the theme.

To her in haste; give her this jewel; say, My love can give no place, bide no delay.

Exit VIOLA stage right and DUKE ORSINO stage rear, both stopping to look back at each other as they leave.

STAGEHANDS remove throne, move table to center stage, and place two more chairs around the table, setting it withtwo mugs (one large and one small), bottle of wine, pot, pan, and two wooden spoons.

Enter NARRATOR from stage rear.

✴ SCENE 3. (ACT II, SCENE III)

Olivia’s house.

NARRATOR

Meanwhile, back at Olivia’s house, Sir Toby,

Sir Andrew, and Feste sing and dance the night away. This does not sit well with Malvolio.

Exit NARRATOR stage rear.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK from stage rear. SIR TOBY immediately fills the huge mug forhimself and the small one for his companion. He takes a center stage seat.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Approach, Sir Andrew: not to be a-bed after midnight is to be up betimes. (hands the small cup to SIR ANDREW, who examines his meager portion)

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK (sits in stage right chair)

I know not: but I know, to be up late is to be up late.

(clink their mugs and drink to that)

SIR TOBY BELCH

A false conclusion: I hate it as an unfill’d can. (holds up empty wine bottle and tries to shake out its last fewdrops) To be up after midnight, and to go to bed then, is early; let us therefore eat and drink. (calls to stageleft door) Maria, I say! A stoup of wine! (waves the empty bottle about, attempting to suck out more liquid, somehow)

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK

Here comes the fool, i’ faith.

Enter FESTE from stage right.

SIR ANDREW spots FESTE, who motions for him to be quiet as he taps SIR TOBY on his right shoulder, then his left, and hides behind the chair. He peers over the top of the chair, surprising SIR TOBY, who gives a whoop and nearly jumps out of his seat.

FESTE

How now, my hearts! Did you never see the picture of We Three?

FESTE puts his arm around the two men and produces a flask from his pocket, which delights SIR TOBY. He sits in stage right chair.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Welcome, ass. Now let’s have a catch.

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK

By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. Now, a song.

SIR TOBY reaches into his own purse, which is empty, so he reaches into SIR ANDREW’S, who doesn’t even notice. SIR TOBY hands a coin to FESTE.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come on; there is sixpence for you: let’s have a song.

FESTE

Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?

SIR TOBY BELCH

A love-song, a love-song.

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK

Ay, ay: I care not for good life.

FESTE gives a flourish and a whistle, and FESTE’S BAND enters noisily to see what the commotion is about. Once thedisorder dies down, SINGERS perform the song, standing between FESTE and TOBY, slightly upstage.

SINGERS

O mistress mine, where are you roaming? O, stay and hear; your true-love’s coming, That can sing both high and low:

Trip no further, pretty sweeting; Journeys end in lovers’ meeting, Every wise man’s son doth know. What is love? ’Tis not hereafter; Present mirth hath present laughter; What’s to come is still unsure:

In delay there lies no plenty;

Then come kiss me, sweet-and-twenty, Youth’s a stuff will not endure.

SINGERS curtsy coyly to the men as MARIA grabs one of the wine jugs for them to share. Exit SINGERS and MARIA stage left.

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK (leaning on his elbows, his face close to SIR TOBY’S, gazing fondly toward where the women once were)

A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.

SIR TOBY BELCH (smells his breath and falls back in his chair)

A contagious breath.

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK (not realizing SIR TOBY is referring to his breath)

Very sweet and contagious, i’ faith.

SIR TOBY BELCH

To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion. But shall we make the welkin dance indeed?

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK

Most certain. Let our catch be, “Thou knave.” Begin, fool: it begins, “Hold thy peace.”

FESTE

I shall never begin, if I hold my peace.

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK

Good, i’ faith. Come, begin.

They all stand and sing the song, accompanied by FESTE’S BAND, and dance around the table banging pots and pans, singing, “Hold thy peace, Thou Knave,—Huh! Hold thy peace!”

Enter MARIA stage right.

MARIA

What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not call’d up her steward Malvolio,and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Tilly-vally, lady! (sings) “There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!”

SIR ANDREW, FESTE, and FESTE’S BAND join in, repeating “Lady lady,” and the noise level rises again.

MARIA

For the love o’ God, peace!

Enter MALVOLIO from stage rear. He is dressed in a ridiculous nightshirt, nightcap, and slippers.

MALVOLIO

My masters, are you mad? Or what are you? Have you no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an ale-house of my lady’shouse? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time, in you?

SIR TOBY BELCH

We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck-up!

(offers his mug to MALVOLIO, who recoils in disgust)

MALVOLIO

Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me tell you, that, though she harboursyou as her kinsman, she’s nothing allied to your disorders.

DRUMMERS start up again.

SIR TOBY BELCH (sings)

Shall I bid him go?

FESTE (sings)

What an if you do?

SIR TOBY BELCH (sings)

Shall I bid him go, and spare not?

FESTE (sings)

O, no, no, no, no, you dare not.

MALVOLIO takes a drumstick from DRUMMER and breaks it. DRUMMER immediately produces another drumstick fromhis jacket pocket.

SIR TOBY BELCH (walks right into MALVOLIO’S face)

Out o’ time, sir? Ye lie. Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale? Go, sir, rub your chain with crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!

MALVOLIO (takes a step toward curtain and turns around) Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady’s favour at anything more than contempt, you would not give means for this uncivil rule: she shall know of it, by this hand.

Exit MALVOLIO stage rear.

MARIA (calling after him)

Go shake your ears!

ALL join in with a rousing chorus of, “Go shake your ears! Go shake your ears!”

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come, Come. I’ll go burn some sack; ’tis too late to go to bed now.

Drums start softly as a prelude to singing of the last song. Enter NARRATOR from stage right, coming downstage.

NARRATOR

In time, Viola’s twin brother Sebastian reappears alive and well,

Enter VIOLA from stage right (as Sebastian) with her hair still up.

and marries the happy Olivia,

Enter OLIVIA from stage left; she dances with VIOLA (as Sebastian).

and the Duke Orsino finds love with the ecstatic Viola.

VIOLA turns around, lets down her hair, spins back around, and dances with DUKE ORSINO, who has entered from stage right.

Sir Toby and Maria even get married!

SIR TOBY and MARIA dance.

What a life! And, even though there is still some ill will between Malvolio andthe revelers, for the

end of our merry play, we invited him to join in the dance too!

Enter MALVOLIO from stage rear, who stands stiffly with arms crossed, scowling, and then gradually begins to smileand dance a little.

Enter ALL, dancing.

ALL (singing “The Wind and the Rain”)

When that I was and a little tiny boy, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, A foolish thing was but a toy,

For the rain it raineth every day.

But when I came to man’s estate, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

’Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate, For the rain it raineth every day.

But when I came, alas, to wive, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain By swaggering could Inever thrive, For the rain it raineth every day.

But when I came unto my beds, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

With tosspots still had drunken heads, For the rain it raineth every day.

A great while ago the world begun, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, But that’s all one, our play is done,

And we’ll strive to please you every day

And we’ll strive to please you every day.

All hold hands and take a bow. Exeunt.

Let's Make a Scene: The Taming of the Shrew! Tuesday, January 13th, 2026 7:30 to 8:30 PM EST

Greetings, lovers of fun!

Let's Make a Scene: The Taming of the Shrew is coming up on Tuesday, January 13th, 2026, 7:30 to 8:30 PM EST.

We will read the script over Zoom, round-robin, which means you get to be the rakish Petruchio, the shrewish Kate, and all of the supporting characters in this wild and wooly battle of the sexes!

Here is the script in PDF form: You can't print it or read it on a tablet (click the blue link):

Download The_Taming_of_the_Shrew_Let_s_Make_a_Scene_script_2024_02_25.PDF

And here is the script in Word format:

Download The_Taming_of_the_Shrew_Let_s_Make_a_Scene_script_2024_02_25.docx

Here is the Zoom link for the event:

And here is the Facebook event link

We look forward to seeing you there: Play on!

Let's Make a Scene: The Merry Wives of Windsor Tuesday Dec. 2nd 2025 7:30 to 830 PM EST

Greetings! It’s time for our monthly Let’s Make a Scene with The 30-Minute Shakespeare!

Monday, Dec 2nd, 2025 from 7:30 to 8:30 PM EST.

This month we will be round-robin reading The Merry Wives of Windsor: the 30-Minute Shakespeare over Zoom.

No experience necessary!

You get to play the fat knight Falstaff as he bumbles his way through attempted seduction of Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, who arrange his animalistic comeuppance in the forest.

You can play the irrepressible Mistress Quickly, the happily drunk Bardolph, the malapropistic French Dr. Caius and any of the myriad merry characters in Shakespeare’s only true domestic comedy.

I'm attaching the scripts here.

(We don't read the stage directions, but they can inform your acting choices!)

Here they are in Word and PDF WITH stage directions. (Download at the little blue links):

Merry Wives Script Microsoft Word:

Download 2024_04_22_Merry_Wives_text_with_stage_directions_Let_s_Make_a_Scene_copy.docx

Merry Wives Script PDF :

Download 2024_04_22_Merry_Wives_PDF_with_stage_directions_Let_s_Make_a_Scene_copy.pdf

I will paste the Text of the script at the bottom.

All participants receive a Free PDF of The Merry Wives of Windsor: The 30-Minute Shakespeare

Here is the Zoom link for the event:

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/82636347654

Best to download the script and print it out or read it on a tablet.

Here is the Facebook event link:

https://www.facebook.com/share/1Eugaiwt2K/

Play on!

****

Characters in the Play

Sir John Falstaff: A knight

Mistress Alice Ford

Mistress Margaret Page

Pistol, Nym, Bardolph: Followers of Falstaff

Host of the Garter Inn

Master Francis Ford:

Master George Page: Gentlemen of Windsor

Dr. Caius:: A French physician

Sir Hugh Evans: A Welsh parson

Mistress Quickly: Servant to Dr. Caius

Robin: Page to Falstaff

Servants, Narrators

Scene 1. (Act I Scene III)

The tavern at the Garter Inn.

Narrator

We open at the Garter Inn, run by its gregarious host. The fat knight, Sir John Falstaff, is accompanied by Pistol, Nym, Bardolph, and Robin, his band of rogues and thieves. Falstaff hatches a plot to woo Mistress Page and Mistress Ford simultaneously.

Falstaff (bangs a mug on the table)

Mine host of the garter!

Host

What says my bullyrook? Speak scholarly and wisely.

Falstaff

Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.

Host

Discard, bully Hercules: cashier. Let them wag: trot, trot!

Falstaff (looks despondently in his purse)

I sit at ten pounds a week.

Host

Thou’rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I will entertain Bardolph: he shall draw, he shall tap.

Host

I have spoke: let him follow. (to BARDOLPH) Let me see thee froth and lime. I am at a word: follow.

Falstaff

Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade. Go; adieu.

Bardolph

It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive!

Pistol

O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot wield?

Nym

He was gotten in drink: is not the humor conceited? (laughs a funny laugh)

Falstaff

I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox. His thefts were too open. I am almost out at heels.

Pistol

Why, then, let kibes ensue. (PISTOL and NYM laugh hysterically)

Falstaff

There is no remedy: I must cony-catch, I must Shiff

Pistol

Young ravens must have food.

Falstaff

Which of you know Ford of this town?

Pistol

I ken the wight: he is of substance good.

Falstaff

My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.

Pistol

Two yards and more.

PISTOL and NYM laugh. NYM continues until he looks around and

realizes he is the only one laughing. He stops abruptly.

Falstaff

No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste: I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her: she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation.

Nym

The anchor is deep: Will that humor pass?

Falstaff

Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse: he hath a legion of angels. (looks heavenward in anticipation of riches)

Pistol

As many devils entertain; (leaping to his feet) and “To her, boy,” say I.

Nym (leaping to his feet) The humor rises; it is good. Humor me the angels.

Falstaff

I have writ me here a letter to her: and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades. Sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.

Pistol

Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

Nym

I thank thee for that humor.

Falstaff

Here’s another letter to her: she bears the purse too. She is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me, (draws the men to either side of him, arms around them) They shall be my East and West Indies and I will trade to them both.

(to NYM) Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; (to PISTOL) and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive! (tries to hand them the letters, but they both turn away)

Pistol (draws away indignantly)

Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become And by my side wear steel? Then, Lucifer take all! (hands the letter back gruffly)

Nym

I will run no base humor. Here, take the humorletter: I will keep the havior of reputation. (hands the letter back)

Falstaff (turns to ROBIN) Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly.

Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores!

(hands him the letters) (turns angrily toward PISTOL and NYM; rises and draws himself up powerfully)

Falstaff (continues) Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go!

Trudge, plod away o’ the hoof; seek shelter, pack Falstaff will learn the humor of the age, French thrift, you rogues: myself and skirted page.

Pistol

Let vultures gripe thy guts! Base Phrygian Turk!

Nym

I have operations which be humors of revenge.

Pistol

Wilt thou revenge?

Nym

With both the humors, I. I will discuss the humor of this love to Page.

Pistol

And I to Ford shall eke unfold how Falstaff, varlet vile, his dove will prove, his gold will hold, and his soft couch defile.

Nym

My humor shall not cool. I will incense Page to deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: that is my true humor.

Pistol

Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second thee: troop on!

Scene II (Act III, Scene III)

A laundry room in the Ford household.

Narrator

Mistress Ford and Mistress Page are having some fun leading Falstaff on. This throws Master Ford into a jealous rage. Accompanied by his friend Master Page and those manglers of the English language, the Welsh parson Sir Hugh Evans and the French Doctor Caius, he attempts to discover Falstaff in the process of wooing these women.

Mistress Ford (looks under the table for the basket, which

is not there; she is a little frustrated and

somewhat panicked)

What, John! What, Robert!

Mistress Page (also in somewhat of a panic)

Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket—

Mistress Ford

I warrant. What, Robert, I say!

Here, set it down. John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.

Mistress Page

You will do it?

Here comes little Robin.

Robin

Mistress Ford!

Mistress Ford

Robin, My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.

Mistress Page

I’ll go hide me.

Mistress Ford (to ROBIN)

Go tell thy master I am alone.

Mistress Ford

Mistress Page, remember you your cue.

Mistress Page (poking her head out from behind curtain)

I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.

(demonstrates with a hissing sound)

Mistress Ford

Go to, then: we’ll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery pumpion; we’ll teach him to know turtles from jays.

Enter FALSTAFF swaggering lasciviously.

Falstaff

Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!

MISTRESS FORD stands and casts a glance at the curtain behind her. MISTRESS PAGE sticks her head out and they both giggle.

Mistress Ford

O sweet Sir John!

Falstaff

Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, I would make thee my lady.

Mistress Ford

I your lady, Sir John! Alas, I should be a pitiful lady!

Falstaff

Let the court of France show me such another.

I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond, and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale.

Mistress Ford

(moves to table and sits on it seductively with

her legs crossed)

Believe me, there is no such thing in me.

Falstaff

What made me love thee? let that persuade thee there’s something extraordinary in thee. I love thee; none but thee; and thou deservest it.

Mistress Ford

Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.

Falstaff

Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln.

Mistress Ford

Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one day find it.

Falstaff

Keep in that mind; I’ll deserve it.

Robin

Mistress Ford! Mistress Ford! Here’s Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.

Falstaff

She shall not see me. (hides)

MISTRESS PAGE enters stage left.

Mistress Ford (acting surprised)

What’s the matter? How now?

Mistress Page (overacting)

O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed, you’re overthrown, you’re undone for ever!

Mistress Ford

Why, alas, what’s the matter?

Mistress Page

Your husband’s coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house by your consent: you are undone. If you have a friend here convey, convey him out. Defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.

(can hardly keep from laughing but continue their dialogue)

Mistress Ford

What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril.

Mistress Page

Bethink you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot hide him. Look, here is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him—send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.

MISTRESS FORD whistles and SERVANTS enter from stage right,

Mistress Ford

He’s too big to go in there. What shall I do?

Falstaff (coming forward)

Let me see’t, let me see’t, O, let me see’t! I’ll in, I’ll in. (gets in the basket)

Falstaff: (voice becomes muffled as SERVANTS cover him with

dirty laundry)

I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here. I’ll never mmmphmmggg . . .

Mistress Ford (to SERVANTS)

Go take up these clothes here quickly.

SERVANTS move in opposite directions, one going stage left and the other upstage.

Look, how you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet-mead; quickly, come.

SERVANTS start to exit stage left, pulling and pushing FALSTAFF

in the basket.

Enter FORD, PAGE , SIR HUGH EVANS, and DOCTOR CAIUS

SERVANTS freeze.

Ford (to his group)

Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest; I deserve it. (to SERVANTS) How now! Whither bear you this?

Servant

To the laundress, forsooth.

Mistress Ford (a little nervous)

Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.

Ford (sniffing around angrily like a mad hound dog)

Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear. (to his group) Search, seek, find out: I’ll warrant we’ll unkennel the fox. You shall see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.

Sir Hugh Evans

This is fery fantastical humors and jealousies.

Doctor Caius

By gar, ’tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous in France

Page

Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.

Exit PAGE , SIR HUGH EVANS, and DOCTOR CAIUS

Mistress Page (laughing with MISTRESS FORD)

Is there not a double excellency in this?

Mistress Ford

I know not which pleases me better; that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.

Enter FORD, PAGE , SIR HUGH EVANS, and DOCTOR

Ford

I cannot find him.

Doctor Caius

By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.

Page

Fie, fie, Master Ford! Are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination?

Ford

’Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.

Sir Hugh Evans

You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as honest a ’omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too.

Doctor Caius

By gar, I see ’tis an honest woman.

Ford (embarrassed

I pray you, pardon me. Come, wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me.

Page

Let’s go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we’ll mock him. Shall it be so?

Sir Hugh Evans

If there is one, I shall make two in the company.

Doctor Caius

If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.

Sir Hugh Evans

I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy knave. A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!

Exit ALL

Scene 3. (Act V, Scene V)

Windsor Forest.

Narrator

The Merry Wives have convinced Falstaff to dress up as Herne the Hunter, a folk hero who has antlers on his head. They promise to meet him in the woods, where many of our players have disguised themselves as fairies to have their comeuppance on the fat fool Falstaff.

Falstaff

The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute draws on. Now, the hot-blooded gods assist me! O powerful love! That, in some respects, makes a beast a man, in some other, a man a beast. O omnipotent Love! For me, I am here a Windsor stag; and the fattest, I think, i’ the forest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow? Who comes here? My doe?

Enter MISTRESS FORD

Mistress Ford

Sir John! Art thou there, my deer? My male deer? (caresses his antlers)

Falstaff

My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain potatoes; let there come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here.

Mistress Ford

Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.

Enter MISTRESS PAGE stage left. She and MISTRESS FORD place themselves on either side of FALSTAFF, and he puts his arms

around them. It is his great moment of pleasure!

Falstaff

Divide me like a bribe buck, each a haunch: Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the hunter? As I am a true spirit, welcome!

drumbeats

Mistress Page

Alas, what noise?

Mistress Ford

Heaven forgive our sins

Falstaff

What should this be?

Mistress Ford AND Mistress page

Away, away!

Mistress Quickly

Fairies, black, grey, green, and white, You moonshine revellers and shades of night, You orphan heirs of fixed destiny, Attend your office and your quality.

Falstaff

They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die: I’ll wink and couch: no man their works must eye.

Mistress Quickly

About, about; Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out: And “Honi soit qui mal y pense” write In emerald tufts, flowers purple, blue and white; Our dance of custom round about the oak Of Herne the hunter, let us not forget.

Sir Hugh Evans

Pray you, lock hand in hand; (ALL join hands and start to circle around FALSTAFF) yourselves in order set And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be, To guide our measure round about the tree. But, stay; I smell a man of middle-earth.

Falstaff

Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest he transform me to a piece of cheese!

Pistol (lunging at him)

Vile worm, thou wast o’erlook’d even in thy birth.

Mistress Quickly

With trial-fire touch me his finger-end:If he be chaste, the flame will back descend And turn him to no pain; but if he start, It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.

Pistol

A trial, come.

ALL lunge at FALSTAFF, fiercely yelling,

Aaaaaah!

Falstaff

Oh, Oh, Oh!

Mistress Quickly

Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire! About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme; And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.

In the song that follows, characters sing individual lines. On bold words, ALL sing and point at FALSTAFF.

Mistress Quickly

Fie on sinful fantasy! Fie on lust and luxury!

Ford

Lust is but a bloody fire, Kindled with unchaste desire,

Servant

Fed in heart, whose flames aspire As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher.

Dr. Caius

Pinch him, fairies, mutually; Pinch him for his villany;

Sir Hugh Evans

Pinch him, and burn him, and turn him about, Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out!

ALL lunge at FALSTAFF, yelling “Aaaaaah!”

until he is shivering, cringing, and near tears.

Mistress Page (taking pity and compassion on him)

I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.

(takes off her mask)

Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?

Ford (takes off his mask)

Now, sir, who’s a cuckold now? Falstaff’s a knave, a

Cuckoldly knave; here are his horns, he hath enjoyed

nothing of Ford’s but his buck-basket!

Mistress Ford (takes off her mask)

Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could never meet. I will never take you for my love again; but I will always count you my deer.

Falstaff

I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.

Ford

Ay, and an ox too: both the proofs are extant.

Falstaff

And these are not fairies?

(FAIRIES remove their masks and laugh) Well, I am your theme: you have the start of me; I am dejected; use me as you will.

(bows his head in shame and humility)

Page (helps him up)

Yet be cheerful, knight: thou shalt eat a posset tonight at my house; where I will desire thee to laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee.

Ford

Stand not amazed; here is no remedy: In love the heavens themselves do guide the state; Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.

Falstaff

I am glad, though you have ta’en a special stand to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanced.

Mistress Page

Well, I will muse no further.Heaven give you many, many merry days! Good husband, let us every one go home, And laugh this sport o’er by a country fire; Sir John and all. (laughs as others join in)

All hold hands and take a bow!

Let's Make a Scene: As You Like It! Wed Sep 24th, 2025 7:30 to 8:30 PM

Time for our monthly fun Zoom Shakespeare spectacular. We engage in a dramatic round-robin reading of As You Like it: The 30-Minute Shakespeare

This time the whimsical comedy As You Like It, where Rosalind and Celia go into the forest of Arden disguised as men, wherein mistaken identity, love, folly, philosophy, rural hijinks and magic ensue!

We read the 30-Minute script round-robin over Zoom, which means you can be a Fool, a tyrant, a lovestruck cross-dresser, a goofy shepherd or a usurping Duke. All in one brief fun play!

No experience necessary, just a desire to have some fun on a Monday eve from the comfort of your own home with a group of fellow silly armchair thespians lookin' to throw around some high drama.

Here is Zoom link :

Here is the Facebook event link

Here is the script as a word doc: (click on the blue)

Download This_As_You_Like_script_2023_Let_s_Make_a_Scene.docx

Here is the script as a PDF: (click on the blue)

Download As_You_Like_script_2023_Let_s_Make_a_Scene.PDF

***

Here is the script text pasted:

CAST of Characters:

DUKE SENIOR: Living in banishment

DUKE FREDERICK: Duke Senior’s brother, and usurper of

his dominions

ROSALIND: Daughter to the banished Duke Senior

CELIA: Rosalind’s cousin, daughter to Duke Frederick

AMIENS

JAQUES/ Lords attending the banished Duke

OLIVER

ORLANDO /Sons of Sir Rowland de Boys

TOUCHSTONE: A clown

CORIN: A shepherd

SILVIUS: A young shepherd in love

AUDREY: A goatkeeper

PHEBE: A shepherdess

HYMEN: Goddess of Marriage

Scene 1. (Act I, Scene III)

A room in Duke Frederick’s palace.

NARRATOR

Our play begins in the court of the hateful Duke Frederick, who has banished his brother, the former Duke Senior, to the forest of Arden, and now banishes his niece Rosalind as well. Rosalind and her cousin, Duke Frederick’s daughter Celia, devise a plan to escape to the forest together.

CELIA

Why, cousin Rosalind! Is it

possible, on such a sudden, you should fall into so

strong a liking with old Sir Rowland's youngest son?

ROSALIND

The duke my father loved his father dearly.

CELIA

Doth it therefore ensue that you should love his son

dearly?

ROSALIND

Let me love him for that, and do you love him

because I do. Look, here comes the duke.

CELIA

With his eyes full of anger.

DUKE FREDERICK

Mistress, dispatch you with your safest haste

And get you from our court.

ROSALIND

Me, uncle?

DUKE FREDERICK

You, cousin

Within these ten days if that thou be'st found

So near our public court as twenty miles,

Thou diest for it.

ROSALIND

I do beseech your grace,

Let me the knowledge of my fault bear with me.

DUKE FREDERICK

Thou art thy father's daughter; there's enough

CELIA

If she be a traitor, why so am I.

Pronounce that sentence then on me, my liege:

I cannot live out of her company.

DUKE FREDERICK (to Celia)

You are a fool. (to Rosalind) You, niece, if you outstay the time, upon mine honor,

And in the greatness of my word, you die.

CELIA

O my poor Rosalind, whither wilt thou go?

Wilt thou change fathers? I will give thee mine.

Let my father seek another heir.

Therefore devise with me how we may fly,

I'll go along with thee.

ROSALIND

Why, whither shall we go?

CELIA

To seek my uncle in the forest of Arden.

ROSALIND

Alas, what danger will it be to us,

Maids as we are, to travel forth so far!

Beauty provoketh thieves sooner than gold.

Were it not better,

That I did suit me all points like a man?

We'll have a swashing and a martial outside,

As many other mannish cowards have

That do outface it with their semblances.

CELIA

What shall I call thee when thou art a man?

ROSALIND

I'll have no worse a name than Jove's own page;

And therefore look you call me Ganymede.

But what will you be call'd?

CELIA

Something that hath a reference to my state

No longer Celia, but Aliena.

ROSALIND

But, cousin, what if we assay'd to steal

The clownish fool out of your father's court?

Would he not be a comfort to our travel?

CELIA

He'll go along o'er the wide world with me.

Leave me alone to woo him. Let's away.

Scene 2. (Act II, Scene I)

The Forest of Arden.

NARRATOR from

In the Forest of Arden, Duke Senior and his exiled Lords make the best of their life in the woods,

where they meet Orlando, who himself has been cast out by his older brother Oliver.

DUKE SENIOR

Now, my co-mates and brothers in exile,

Are not these woods

More free from peril than the envious court?

Sweet are the uses of adversity,

Which finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks,

Sermons in stones, and good in every thing.

AMIENS

Happy is your grace,

That can translate the stubbornness of fortune

Into so quiet and so sweet a style.

DUKE SENIOR

Why, how now, monsieur Jaques! What, you look merrily!

JAQUES

A fool, a fool! I met a fool i' the forest,

A motley fool;

a miserable world!

O that I were a fool!

I must have liberty as the wind,

To blow on whom I please;

for so fools have;

But who comes here?

ORLANDO.

Forbear, and eat no more.

JAQUES

Why, I have eat none yet.

DUKE SENIOR

What would you have?

ORLANDO

I almost die for food; and let me have it.

DUKE SENIOR

Sit down and feed, and welcome to our table.

ORLANDO

Speak you so gently? )

Pardon me, I pray you:

I thought that all things had been savage here;

If ever you have look'd on better days,

If ever from your eyelids wiped a tear

Let gentleness my strong enforcement be:

In the which hope I blush, and hide my sword.

DUKE SENIOR

True is it that we have seen better days.

ORLANDO

Then but forbear your food a little while,

Whiles, like a doe, I go to find my fawn.

DUKE SENIOR (to Jaques)

Thou seest we are not all alone unhappy:

This wide and universal theatre

Presents more woeful pageants than the scene

Wherein we play in.

JAQUES

All the world's a stage,

And all the men and women merely players:

They have their exits and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts,

Last scene of all,

That ends this strange eventful history,

Is second childishness and mere oblivion,

Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

DUKE SENIOR

Give us some music; and, good cousin, sing.

SONG [sung as they exit]

Blow, blow, thou winter wind.

Thou art not so unkind

As man's ingratitude;

Thy tooth is not so keen,

Because thou art not seen,

Although thy breath be rude.

Heigh-ho! Sing, heigh-ho! Unto the green holly:

Most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly:

Then, heigh-ho, the holly!

This life is most jolly.

Heigh-ho!

Scene 3 (Act III, Scene II)

NARRATOR

Orlando hangs love notes for Rosalind in the forest. Rosalind, as Ganymede, and Celia, as Aliena, discover the love notes and meet the lovestruck Orlando.

[ORLANDO hangs a piece of paper on tree.]

ORLANDO

Hang there, my verse, in witness of my love:

O Rosalind! These trees shall be my books

Run, run, Orlando; carve on every tree

The fair, the chaste and unexpressive she.

[Enter ROSALIND with a paper, reading].

ROSALIND

From the east to western Ind,

No jewel is like Rosalind.

Let no fair be kept in mind

But the fair of Rosalind.

TOUCHSTONE

If a hart do lack a hind,

Let him seek out Rosalind.

Sweetest nut hath sourest rind,

Such a nut is Rosalind.

He that sweetest rose will find

Must find love's prick and Rosalind.

ROSALIND

Peace, you dull fool! Here comes my sister, reading: stand aside.

Enter Celia from stage right, reading.

CELIA

Nature presently distilled

Helen’s cheek, but not her heart,

Cleopatra’s majesty,

Atalanta’s better part,

Sad Lucretia’s modesty.

Rosalind of many parts

Of many faces, eyes and hearts,

Heaven would that she these gifts should have,

And I to live and die her slave.

[to Corin and Touchstone]

How now! Back, friends! Shepherd, go off a little.

Go with him, sirrah.

TOUCHSTONE

Come, shepherd, let us make an honorable retreat.

CELIA

Dids’t thou hear without wondering how thy

name should be hanged and carved upon these trees?

Trow you who hath done this?

ROSALIND

I prithee now

tell me who it is.

CELIA

O wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful

wonderful! And yet again wonderful, and after that,

out of all hooping!

ROSALIND

I prithee take the cork out of thy mouth, that I may drink thy tidings.

CELIA

So you may put a man in your belly.

It is young Orlando.

ROSALIND

Orlando?

CELIA

Orlando.

ROSALIND

Alas the day! What shall I do with my doublet and

hose? What did he when thou sawest him? What said

he? How looked he? Did he ask for me? Where remains he?

and when shalt thou see

him again? Answer me in one word.

CELIA

You must borrow me Gargantua’s mouth first—

ROSALIND

But doth he know that I am in this forest and in

man's apparel? Sweet, say on.

CELIA

I found him under a tree like a dropped acorn.

Soft! Comes he not here?

ROSALIND

'Tis he: slink by, and note him.

[Aside to CELIA] I will speak to him, like a saucy

lackey and under that habit play the knave with him.

Enter ORLANDO.

ROSALIND [She speaks in a low, mannish tone.]

ROSALIND

Do you hear, forester?

ORLANDO

Very well: what would you?

ROSALIND

There is a man haunts the forest, that

abuses our young plants with carving “Rosalind” on

their barks; if I could meet that fancy-monger I would

give him some good counsel, for he seems to have the

quotidian of love upon him.

ORLANDO

I am he that is so love-shaked: I pray you tell me

your remedy.

ROSALIND

Love is merely a madness,

Yet I profess curing it by counsel.

ORLANDO

Did you ever cure any so?

ROSALIND

Yes, one, and in this manner. He was to imagine me

his love, his mistress; and I set him every day to

woo me, and thus I cured him.

ORLANDO

I would not be cured, youth.

ROSALIND

I would cure you, if you would but call me Rosalind

and come every day to my cote and woo me.

ORLANDO

With all my heart, good youth.

ROSALIND

Nay you must call me Rosalind. Come, sister, will

you go?

Scene 4 (Act III, Scene III)

NARRATOR

Touchstone has a strong attraction to the simple goatherder Audrey, who does not seem to understand his witticisms very well.

TOUCHSTONE

Come apace, good Audrey. I will fetch up your goats, Audrey.

And, how now, Audrey. Am I the man yet? Doth my simple feature content you?

AUDREY

Your features, Lord warrant us!

What features?

TOUCHSTONE)

I am here with thee and thy goats, as the most capricious poet, honest Ovid, was among the Goths.

Truly, I would the gods had made thee poetical.

AUDREY

I do not know what “poetical” is. Is it honest in deed and word? Is it a true thing?

TOUCHSTONE

No, truly, for the truest poetry is the most feigning, and lovers are given to poetry

AUDREY

Would you not have me honest?

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, and to cast away honesty upon a foul slut were to put good meat into an unclean dish

AUDREY

I am not a slut, although I thank the gods I am foul (thinks she is flattering herself, not knowing the meaning of the words she speaks

TOUCHSTONE

Well, praised be the gods for thy foulness; sluttishness may come hereafter. But be it as it may be, I will marry thee.

AUDREY

Well, the gods give us joy

TOUCHSTONE

Come, sweet Audrey. We must be married, or we must live in bawdry.

Scene 5 (Act III, Scene V)

Another part of the forest.

NARRATOR

Silvius, a lovestruck shepherd, vainly woos the scornful Phebe, who falls for Rosalind (as Ganymede). Nothing is simple in love!

SILVIUS

Sweet Phebe, do not scorn me

If ever you meet in some fresh cheek

the power of fancy,

Then shall you know the wounds invisible

That love's keen arrows make.

PHEBE

But till that time

Come not thou near me: and when that time comes,

Afflict me with thy mocks, pity me not;

As till that time I shall not pity thee.

ROSALIND)

And why, I pray you? What though you have no beauty,--

Must you be therefore proud and pitiless?

Why, what means this? Why do you look on me?[(to Celia] I think she means to tangle my eyes too!

No, faith, proud mistress, hope not after it.

[to Silvius] You foolish shepherd, wherefore do you follow her,

Like foggy south puffing with wind and rain?

'tis such fools as you

That makes the world full of ill-favor'd children:

[to Phebe] Mistress, sell when you can: you are not for all markets:

Cry the man mercy; love him; take his offer:

Foul is most foul, being foul to be a scoffer.

So take her to thee, shepherd: fare you well

PHEBE

Sweet youth, I pray you, chide a year together:

I had rather hear you chide than this man woo.

ROSALIND [to Phebe]

He's fallen in love with your foulness

[to Celia]and she'll fall in love with my anger. I'll sauce her

with bitter words. [to Phebe] Why look you so upon me?

I pray you, do not fall in love with me,

For I am falser than vows made in wine:

Besides, I like you not.

[to Silvius]Shepherd, ply her hard

PHEBE

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”

SILVIUS

Sweet Phebe,—

PHEBE)

Ha, what say'st thou, Silvius?

SILVIUS

I would have you.

PHEBE

Silvius, the time was that I hated thee,

But since that thou canst talk of love so well,

Thy company, I will endure.

SILVIUS

Loose now and then

A scatter'd smile, and that I'll live upon.

PHEBE

Know'st now the youth that spoke to me erewhile?

SILVIUS

Not very well, but I have met him oft;

PHEBE

Think not I love him, though I ask for him:

There was a pretty redness in his lip,

The best thing in him is his complexion.

I love him not nor hate him not; (angering a bit)

and yet I have more cause to hate him than to love him:

For what had he to do to chide at me?

I will be bitter with him and passing short.

Go with me, Silvius.

SILVIUS Phebe, with all my heart!

Scene 6 (Act V, Scene II)

The forest.

NARRATOR

Oliver, having reconciled with his brother Orlando, tells of his love for Aliena. Meanwhile, Rosalind assures Orlando, Silvius, and Phebe that she can solve all of their love woes, and that they will all be married the next day.

ORLANDO

Is't possible that on so little acquaintance you

should like her? That but seeing you should love

her? And loving woo? And, wooing, she should

grant? And will you persever to enjoy her?

OLIVER

Neither call the giddiness of it in question, my sudden

wooing, nor her sudden consenting;

I love Aliena;

consent with both that we may enjoy each other: it

shall be to your good; for my father's house and all

the revenue that was old Sir Rowland's will I

estate upon you, and here live and die a shepherd.

ORLANDO

You have my consent. Let your wedding be to-morrow:

Go you and prepare Aliena.

ROSALIND

O, my dear Orlando.

Your brother and my sister no sooner

met but they looked, no sooner looked but they

they made a pair of stairs

to marriage. They are in the very wrath of love

and they will together;

clubs cannot part them.

ORLANDO

They shall be married to-morrow, Ganymede. [turns toward her]

But, O, how bitter a thing it

is to look into happiness through another man's

eyes!

ROSALIND

Why then, to-morrow I cannot serve your turn for

Rosalind?

ORLANDO

I can live no longer by thinking.

ROSALIND

Believe then, if

you please, that I can do strange things: I have,

since I was three year old, conversed with a

magician. If you do love Rosalind so near the heart

as your gesture cries it out, when your brother

marries Aliena, shall you marry her.

Look, here comes a lover of mine and a lover of hers.

PHEBE [to Rosalind]

Youth, you have done me much ungentleness.

ROSALIND

You are there followed by a faithful shepherd;

Look upon him, love him; he worships you.

PHEBE

Good shepherd, tell this youth what 'tis to love.

SILVIUS

It is to be all made of sighs and tears;

And so am I for Phebe.

PHEBE

And I for Ganymede.

ORLANDO

And I for Rosalind.

ROSALIND

And I for no woman.

SILVIUS

It is to be all made of faith and service;

And so am I for Phebe.

PHEBE

And I for Ganymede.

ORLANDO

And I for Rosalind.

ROSALIND

And I for no woman.

SILVIUS

It is to be all made of fantasy,

All made of passion and all made of wishes,

And so am I for Phebe.

PHEBE

And so am I for Ganymede.

ORLANDO

And so am I for Rosalind.

ROSALIND

And so am I for no woman.

Pray you, no more of this; 'tis like the howling

of Irish wolves against the moon.

[to SILVIUS]

I will help you, if I can:

[to PHEBE]

I would love you, if I could. To-morrow meet me all

together.

[to PHEBE]

I will marry you, if ever I marry woman, and I'll be

married to-morrow:

[to ORLANDO, passionately]

I will satisfy you, if ever I satisfied man, and you

shall be married to-morrow:

[to SILVIUS]

I will content you, if what pleases you contents

you, and you shall be married to-morrow.

Scene 7. (Act V, Scene IV)

The forest.

NARRATOR

The Goddess of Marriage, Hymen, arrives to bring the lovers together and the comedy to a merry ending..

DUKE SENIOR

Dost thou believe, Orlando, that the boy

Can do all this that he hath promised?

ORLANDO

I sometimes do believe, and sometimes do not;

As those that fear they hope, and know they fear.

HYMEN

With great importance and Godliness

Then is there mirth in heaven,

When earthly things made even

Atone together.

Good duke, receive thy daughter

Hymen from heaven brought her,

That thou mightst join her hand with his

Whose heart within his bosom is.

ROSALIND

[to ORLANDO]

To you I give myself, for I am yours.

DUKE SENIOR

If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.

ORLANDO

If there be truth in sight, you are my Rosalind.

PHEBE [to Rosalind]

If sight and shape be true,

Why then, my love adieu!

HYMEN

Peace, ho! I bar confusion:

'Tis I must make conclusion

Of these most strange events:

Here's eight that must take hands

To join in Hymen's bands,

If truth holds true contents.

Whiles a wedlock-hymn we sing,

Feed yourselves with questioning;

That reason wonder may diminish,

How thus we met, and these things finish.

DUKE SENIOR

Proceed, proceed: we will begin these rites,

As we do trust they'll end, in true delights.

[Readers each read one line of the song]

It was a lover and his lass

With a hey, and a ho, and a hey-nonny-no,

That o’er the green cornfield did pass

In springtime, the only pretty ring time,

When birds do sing, hey ding a ding, ding.

Sweet lovers love the spring.

And therefore take the present time,

With a hey, and a ho, and a hey-nonny no,

For love is crowned with the prime,

In springtime, the only pretty ring time,

When birds do sing, hey ding a ding, ding.

Sweet lovers love the spring.

THE END!

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