The30MinuteShakespeare

Greetings!

We are having our monthly Let's Make a Scene on Wednesday July 5th from 7:30 to 8:30 PM

We will read The 30-Minute Shakespeare adaptation of this play over Zoom; be silly, overact, underact, react, act naturally,

act as if you are Judy Dench or Laurence Olivier or Bart Simpson; anything goes!

No experience necessary; just a desire for fun and play!

Here is the Zoom link:

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/84018884958?pwd=MkNtM3Y3U2ZsVDlJcXFnR1ZVWHlSQT09

Here is a link to the script in Word and PDF:

Then you can either print it out or read it on a tablet or other device!

(We will also past the script into the chat.)

Here is the text, pasted.

See you there!

Nick

Characters in the Play

 

The following is a list of the characters that appear in this cutting of Henry IV, Part 1.

 

Falstaff: Sir John Falstaff, a debauched and witty aristocrat 

Prince Henry: Also called Harry or Hal; oldest son to King Henry IV

Poins: Companion to Falstaff; gentleman-in-waiting to Prince

Gadshill: Companion to Falstaff

Bardolph: Companion to Falstaff

Peto: Companion to Falstaff

Traveler one 

Traveler two 

Hostess: Mistress Quickly, hostess of the Boar’s Head Tavern in Eastcheap Mortimer: Edmund Mortimer, Earl of March; brother to Lady Percy, husband to Lady Mortimer 

Glendower: Owen Glendower, a Welsh rebel; father to Lady Mortimer Hotspur: Henry Percy, nicknamed Hotspur; son to Earl of Northumberland Lady Mortimer: Daughter to Glendower, wife to Mortimer 

Lady Percy: Wife to Hotspur, sister to Mortimer 

King Henry IV: Father to Prince Henry; formerly Henry of Bollingbroke Earl of Douglas: Archibald, Earl of Douglas; a Scottish noble 

Lancaster: Prince John of Lancaster, also called the Duke ofLancaster; third son to King Henry IV

 

From King Henry IV, Part 2 (final scene in this cutting):

Pistol: An irregular humorist; Falstaff’s henchman 

Shallow: Robert Shallow, a country justice of the peace 

King Henry V: Formerly Prince Henry; newly crowned king 

Lord Chief-Justice: Attendant to King Henry V; nemesis of Falstaff

Attendant

Narrator 

 

Act I Scene II

 

Eastcheap. The Boar’s-Head Tavern.

 

Narrator

 

Young Prince Henry—called “Harry” or “Hal” by his friends—carouses in the tavern in Eastcheap with the fat knight Jack Falstaff and other friends, including Poins, Hal’s gentleman-in-waiting. Hal and Poins devise a plan to rob Falstaff and company of their stolen money, just for fun and mockery.

 

Falstaff

 

Now, Hal, what time of day is it, lad?

 

Prince Henry 

 

Thou art so fat-witted, with drinking of old sack that thou hast forgotten to demand that truly which thou wouldst truly know. What a devil hast thou to do with the time of the day; unless hours were cups of sack and minutes capons?

 

Falstaff

 

Marry, then, sweet wag, when thou art king, let not us that are squires of the night’s body be called thieves of the day’s beauty: let us be Diana’s foresters, gentlemen of the shade, minions of the moon.

 

Prince Henry 

 

Thou sayest well, and it holds well too; for the fortune of us that are the moon’s men doth ebb and flow like the sea, being governed, as the sea is, by the moon.

 

Falstaff 

 

Thou hast the most unsavory similes and art indeed the most comparative, rascalliest, sweet young prince, and art indeed able to corrupt a saint. Thou hast done much harm upon me, Hal; God forgive thee for it!

 

Prince Henry

 

Where shall we take a purse tomorrow, Jack?

 

Falstaff

 

’Zounds, where thou wilt, lad. Poins! 

 

Prince Henry

 

Good morrow, Ned!

 

Poins

 

Good morrow, sweet Hal. What says Monsieur Remorse?

What says Sir John Sack and Sugar?

My lads, my lads, to-morrow morning, by four o’clock, early at Gadshill! There are pilgrims going to Canterbury with rich offerings, and traders riding to London with fat purses: If you will go, I will stuff your purses full of crowns; if you will not, tarry at home and be hanged. [to Falstaff] Sir John, I prithee, leave the prince and me alone: I will lay him down such reasons for this adventure that he shall go.

 

Falstaff 

 

Farewell; you shall find me in Eastcheap.

 

Prince Henry

 

Farewell, thou latter spring! Farewell, All-hallown summer!

 

Poins

 

Now, my good sweet honey lord, ride with us tomorrow: I have a jest to execute that I cannot manage alone. Falstaff, Bardolph, Peto, and Gadshill shall rob those men that we have already waylaid: yourself and I will not be there; and when they have the booty, if you and I do not rob them, cut this  head off from my shoulders. I know them to be as true-bred cowards as ever turned back; the virtue of this jest will be, the incomprehensible lies that this same fat rogue will tell us when we meet at supper: how thirty, at least, he fought with; and in the reproof of this lies the jest.

 

Prince Henry

 

Well, I’ll go with thee.

 

Poins

 

Farewell, my lord.

 

Prince Henry

 

Herein will I imitate the sun, Who doth permit the base contagious clouds To smother up his beauty from the world, That, when he please again to be himself, Being wanted, he may be more wonder’d at, So, when this loose behavior I throw off 

And pay the debt I never promised, By how much better than my word I am, By so much shall I falsify men’s hopes; And like bright metal on a sullen ground, My reformation, glittering o’er my fault, Shall show more goodly and attract more eyes Than that which hath no foil to set it off.

I’ll so offend, to make offense a skill; Redeeming time when men think least I will.

 

Act II, Scene II

 

The highway, near Gadshill.

 

Narrator

 

Falstaff and his band of rogues rob the travelers, but their plan backfires.

 

Poins

 

Come, shelter, shelter: I have removed Falstaff’s horse, and he frets like a gummed velvet.

 

Prince Henry

 

Stand close.

 

Falstaff

 

Poins! Poins, and be hanged! Poins!

 

Prince Henry 

 

Peace, ye fat-kidneyed rascal! What a brawling dost thou keep! 

 

Falstaff

 

Where’s Poins, Hal? The rascal hath removed my horse, and tied him I know not where. A plague upon it when thieves cannot be true one to another! Give me my horse, you rogues.

 

Gadshill

 

Stand.

 

Falstaff

 

So I do, against my will.

 

Bardolph

 

There’s money of the king’s coming down the hill.

 

Prince Henry

 

Sirs, you four shall front them in the narrow lane; Ned Poins and I will walk lower: if they ’scape from your encounter, then they light on us.

 

Peto

 

How many be there of them?

 

Gadshill

 

Some eight or ten

 

Falstaff

 

’Zounds, will they not rob us?

 

Prince Henry

 

What, a coward, Sir John Paunch?

 

Falstaff

 

Indeed, I am not John of Gaunt, your grandfather; but yet no coward, Hal.

 

Prince Henry [whispering to Poins]

 

Ned, where are our disguises?

 

Poins

 

Here, hard by: stand close.

 

Falstaff

 

Now, every man to his business.

 

Traveler one

 

Come, neighbor: the boy shall lead our horses down the hill; we’ll walk afoot awhile, and ease our legs.

 

Falstaff

 

Stand!

 

Traveler two

 

Jesus bless us!

 

Falstaff

 

Strike; down with them; bacon-fed knaves! Fleece them. 

 

Traveler two

 

O, we are undone, both we and ours for ever!

 

Falstaff

 

Ye fat chuffs: on, bacons, on!

 

Prince Henry

 

The thieves have bound the true men. Now could thou and I rob the thieves and go merrily to London, it would be argument for a week, laughter for a month and a good jest for ever.

 

Poins

 

Stand close; I hear them coming.

Falstaff

 

Come, my masters, let us share.

 

Prince Henry

 

Your money!

 

Poins

 

Villains! 

 

Prince Henry

 

Got with much ease. Now merrily to horse: Falstaff lards the lean earth as he walks along: Were’t not for laughing, I should pity him.

 

Poins

 

How the rogue roar’d!

 

 Act II, Scene IV

 

Eastcheap. The Boar’s-Head Tavern.

 

Narrator

 

Prince Henry

 

Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are at the door: shall we be merry?

 

Poins

 

As merry as crickets, my lad.

 

Falstaff

 

A plague of all cowards! There be four of us here have ta’en a thousand pound this day morning.

 

Prince Henry

 

Where is it, Jack? Where is it? 

 

Falstaff

 

Where is it! Taken from us it is: a hundred upon poor four of us. I have ’scaped by miracle.

I am eight times thrust through the doublet, four through the hose; my sword hacked like a handsaw—ecce signum! A plague of all cowards!

 

Prince Henry

 

Why, thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool. We two saw you four set on four and bound them, and were masters of their wealth. Then did we two set on you four; and, with a word, out-faced you from your prize, and have it; and, Falstaff, you carried your guts away with quick dexterity, and roared for mercy. What device canst thou now find out to hide thee from this shame? 

 

Poins

 

Come, let’s hear, Jack; what trick hast thou now?

 

Falstaff 

 

Why, hear you, my masters: was it for me to kill the true prince? I am as valiant as Hercules, but beware instinct. I was now a coward on instinct. I am glad you have the money.

 

Prince Henry [to Falstaff]

 

You fought fair; so did you, Peto; so did you, Bardolph:

You are lions too, you ran away upon instinct, you will not touch the true prince.

 

Bardolph

 

’Faith, I ran when I saw others run. [burps]

 

Falstaff

 

Tell me, Hal, art thou not horribly afraid?

 

Prince Henry

 

Not a whit, i’ faith; I lack some of thy instinct.

 

Falstaff

 

Well, thou wert be horribly chid tomorrow when thou comest to thy father: if thou love me, practice an answer.

 

Prince Henry 

 

Do thou stand for my father, and

examine me upon the particulars of my life. 

 

Falstaff

 

Shall I? Content: this chair shall be my state, this dagger my scepter, and this cushion my crown. Here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.

 

Hostess

 

O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i’ faith! O, the father, how he holds his countenance! He doth it as like one of these harlotry players as ever I see!

 

Falstaff 

 

Peace, good pint-pot; peace, good tickle-brain.

Harry, I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy time, but also the company thou keepest:

and yet there is a virtuous man whom I have often noted in thy company, but I know not his name.

 

Prince Henry

 

What manner of man, your majesty?

 

Falstaff 

 

A goodly portly man, i’ faith, and of a cheerful look, and, as I think, his age some fifty, or, by’r lady, inclining to three score; His name is Falstaff: Harry, I see virtue in his looks. Falstaff: him keep with, the rest banish.

prince Henry

 

Do thou stand for me, and I’ll play my father.

 

Falstaff

 

Depose me?

 

Prince Henry

 

Well, here I am set.

 

Falstaff

 

And here I stand: judge, my masters.

 

Prince Henry

 

Now, Harry, whence come you?

 

Falstaff 

 

My noble lord, from Eastcheap.

 

Prince Henry

 

The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.

 

Falstaff

 

’Sblood, my lord, they are false.

 

Prince Henry

 

Swearest thou, ungracious boy? Thou art violently carried away from grace: there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an old fat man.

Why dost thou converse with that trunk of humors, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that stuffed cloakbag of guts, with the pudding in his belly. Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink it? Wherein villanous, but in all things?Wherein worthy, but in nothing?

 

Falstaff

 

Whom means your grace?

 

Prince Henry

 

That villanous abominable misleader of youth, Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.

 

Falstaff 

 

My lord, the man I know.

 

Prince Henry

 

I know thou dost.

 

Falstaff

 

If to be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damned: No, my good lord; banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins: but for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, being, as he is, old Jack Falstaff, banish not Henry him thy Harry’s company, banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.

 

Prince Henry

 

I do, I will.

 

Act III, Scene I

 

The Archdeacon’s house.

 

Narrator

 

Hot-headed Harry Percy—known as Hotspurtangles with the Welsh Lord Glendower as they plan to divide up the kingdom they intend to conquer.

 

Mortimer

 

These promises are fair, the parties sure, And our induction full of prosperous hope.

 

Hotspur

 

Lord Mortimer, and cousin Glendower, Will you sit down?

A plague upon it! I have forgot the map.

 

Glendower

 

No, here it is. Sit, cousin Percy; sit, good cousin Hotspur, At my birth the frame and huge foundation of the earth Shaked like a coward. 

 

Hotspur

 

O, then the earth shook to see the heavens on fire, And not in fear of your nativity.

 

Mortimer

 

Peace, cousin Percy; you will make him mad.

 

Glendower

 

Three times hath Henry Bolingbroke made head Against my power; thrice have I sent him Bootless home and weather-beaten back.

 

Hotspur

 

Home without boots, and in foul weather too!

 

Glendower

 

Come, here’s the map: shall we divide our right According to our threefold order ta’en?

 

Mortimer

 

The archdeacon hath divided it Into three limits very equally:

 

Hotspur 

 

Methinks my moiety, north from Burton here, In quantity equals not one of yours:

 

See how this river cuts me from the best of all my land.

 

It shall not wind with such a deep indent, To rob me of so rich a bottom here. 

 

Glendower

 

Not wind? It shall, it must; you see it doth.

 

Hotspur 

 

Who shall say me nay?

 

Glendower

 

Why, that will I.

Come, you shall have Trent turn’d.

 

Hotspur.

 

Are the indentures drawn? Shall we be gone?

 

Glendower

 

The moon shines fair; you may away by night.

 

Mortimer

 

Fie, cousin Percy! How you cross my father!

 

Hotspur

 

I cannot choose: sometime he angers me. O, he is as tedious as a railing wife.

 

Mortimer

 

In faith, my lord, you are too wilful-blame.

 

Hotspur

 

Well, I am school’d: Here come our wives, and let us take our leave.

Hotspur

 

Come, Kate, thou art perfect in lying down:

come, quick, quick, that I may lay my head in thy lap.

 

Lady Percy

 

Go, ye giddy goose.

 

Hotspur

 

Now I perceive the devil is a good musician.

 

Lady Percy

 

Then should you be nothing but musical for you are altogether governed by humors. Lie still, ye thief, Now God help thee!

 

Hotspur

 

To the Welsh lady’s bed.

 

Lady Percy

 

What’s that? 

 

Hotspur

 

Peace. Come, Kate, I’ll have your song too.

 

Lady Percy

 

Not mine, in good sooth.

 

Glendower

 

Come, come, Lord Mortimer; you are as slow As hot Lord Percy is on fire to go.

 

Act III, Scene II

 

London. The palace.

Narrator

 

Prince Hal reconciles with his father, King Henry IV, by swearing to fight the rebels and to defeat Hotspur.

 

King Henry IV

 

I know not whether God will have it so, For some displeasing service I have done, But thou dost in thy passages of life Make me believe that thou art only mark’d For the hot vengeance and the rod of heaven To punish my mistreadings. Tell me else, Could such inordinate and low desires, Such barren pleasures, rude society, As thou art match’d withal and grafted to, Accompany the greatness of thy blood And hold their level with thy princely heart?

 

Prince Henry

 

So please your majesty Find pardon on my true submission. [kneels]

 

King Henry IV

 

God pardon thee! Yet let me wonder, Harry, At thy affections, which do hold a wing Quite from the flight of all thy ancestors.

The hope and expectation of thy time Is ruin’d. Harry, thou has lost thy princely privilege With vile participation: not an eye But is a-weary of thy common sight, Save mine, which hath desired to see thee more.

 

Prince Henry 

 

I shall hereafter be more myself.

 

King Henry IV

 

For all the world Percy now leads ancient lords and reverend bishops on To bloody battles and to bruising arms.

Thrice hath this Hotspur, Mars in swathling clothes, Discomfited great Douglas, ta’en him once, And what say you to this? Percy, Northumberland, The Archbishop’s grace of York, Douglas, Mortimer, Capitulate against us and are up.

 

Prince Henry 

 

I will redeem all this on Percy’s head And in the closing of some glorious day Be bold to tell you that I am your son; For the time will come, That I shall make this northern youth exchange His glorious deeds for my indignities. This, in the name of God, I promise here:

And I will die a hundred thousand deaths Ere break the smallest parcel of this vow. 

 

King Henry IV

 

A hundred thousand rebels die in this:

Thou shalt have charge and sovereign trust herein.

 

Act V, Scene IV

 

A field between the camps.

 

Enter Narrator from stage right, coming downstage center.

 

Narrator

 

We are on the battlefield. True colors are revealed, with Hal showing bravery and loyalty, and Falstaff showing that he is, well, still a coward and a liar. (But, somehow, a loveable one!)

 

Eaerl of Douglas

 

Another king! They grow like Hydra’s heads:

I am the Douglas, fatal to all those That wear those colors on them: what art thou, That counterfeit’st the person of a king?

 

King Henry IV

 

The king himself; I will assay thee: so, defend thyself.

 

Earl of Douglas

 

I fear thou art another counterfeit; And yet, in faith, thou bear’st thee like a king: But mine I am sure thou art, whoe’er thou be, And thus I win thee. 

 

Prince Henry

 

Hold up thy head, vile Scot, it is the Prince of Wales that threatens thee. [Earl of Douglas escapes]

Cheerly, my lord how fares your grace?

 

King Henry IV

 

Stay, and breathe awhile:

 

Thou hast redeem’d thy lost opinion, And show’d thou makest some tender of my life, In this fair rescue thou hast brought to me.

 

Prince Henry

 

O God! They did me too much injury That ever said I hearken’d for your death.

 

Hotspur

 

If I mistake not, thou art Harry Monmouth. My name is Harry Percy. 

 

Prince Henry

 

I am the Prince of Wales.

 

Hotspur

 

The hour is come To end the one of us; I can no longer brook thy vanities.

 

Falstaff

 

Well said, Hal! To it Hal! Nay, you shall find no boy’s play here, I can tell you. [Falstaff falls down, pretends he is dead]

 

Hotspur

 

O, Harry, thou hast robb’d me of my youth! Percy, thou art dust And food for—

 

[Hotspur dies]. 

Prince Henry

 

For worms, brave Percy: fare thee well, great heart!

 

Prince Henry [sees Falstaff on the ground, pretending to be dead.]

 

What, old acquaintance! Could not all this flesh Keep in a little life? Poor Jack, farewell! 

 

[Exit Prince Henry]

 

[Falstaff continues to appear dead; after a few moments, he rises up suddenly.]

 

Falstaff

 

The better part of valor is discretion; in the which better part I have saved my life. ’Zounds, I am afraid of this gunpowder Percy, though he be dead: how, if he should counterfeit too and rise? Therefore, sirrah,

with a new wound in your thigh, come you along with me.

 

Lancaster

 

But, soft! Whom have we here?

 

Did you not tell me this fat man was dead?

 

Prince Henry

 

I did; I saw him dead. Art thou alive?

 

Or is it fantasy that plays upon our eyesight?

 

Falstaff

 

No, that’s certain; I am not a double man: but if I be not Jack Falstaff, then am I a Jack. There is Percy. If your father will do me any honor, so; if not, let him kill the next Percy himself. I look to be either earl or duke, I can assure you.

 

Prince Henry

 

Why, Percy I killed myself and saw thee dead.

 

Falstaff

 

Didst thou? Lord, Lord, how this world is given to lying! I grant you I was down and out of breath; and so was he: but we rose both at an instant and fought a long hour by Shrewsbury clock. I gave him this wound in the thigh: if the man were alive and would deny it, ’zounds, I would make him eat a piece of my sword.

 

Lancaster

 

This is the strangest tale that ever I heard.

 

Prince Henry

 

This is the strangest fellow, brother John.

 

Falstaff

 

If I do grow great, I’ll grow less; for I’ll purge, and leave sack, and live cleanly as a nobleman should do.

 

Act V, Scene 1. additional material from Henry IV, Part 2: Act V, Scene V

 

Narrator

 

Time has passed, and Hal is now King Henry V. He rejects Falstaff as part of the former life that he now renounces.

 

Falstaff

 

Stand here by me, Master Robert Shallow; I will make the king do you grace: I will leer upon him as a’ comes by; and do but mark the countenance that he will give me.

 

Pistol

 

God bless thy lungs, good knight.

 

Falstaff

 

Come here, Pistol; stand behind me. This doth show my earnestness of affection. 

 

 

Shallow

 

It doth so.

 

Falstaff

 

My devotion,—

 

Shallow

 

It doth, it doth, it doth.

 

Falstaff

 

As it were, to ride day and night; and not to deliberate, but to stand stained with travel, and sweating with desire to see him; as if there were nothing else to be done but to see him.

 

Pistol

 

There roar’d the sea, and trumpet-clangor sounds.

 

Falstaff

 

God save thy grace, King Hal! My royal Hal!

 

Pistol

 

The heavens thee guard and keep, most royal imp of fame! 

 

Falstaff

 

God save thee, my sweet boy!

 

King Henry V

 

My lord chief-justice, speak to that vain man.

Lord Chief-Justice have you your wits? Know you what ’tis to speak?

 

Falstaff

 

My king! My Jove! I speak to thee, my heart!

 

King Henry V

 

I know thee not, old man: fall to thy prayers.

How ill white hairs become a fool and jester!

I have long dream’d of such a kind of man, So surfeit-swell’d, so old and so profane; But, being awaked, I do despise my dream. Reply not to me with a fool-born jest:

Presume not that I am the thing I was; For God doth know, so shall the world perceive, That I have turn’d away my former self; So will I those that kept me company.

When thou dost hear I am as I have been, Approach me, and thou shalt be as thou wast, The tutor and the feeder of my riots:

Till then, I banish thee, on pain of death, 

Not to come near our person by ten mile. Set on.

 

Falstaff [to Shallow]

 

Master Shallow, do not you grieve at this; I shall be sent for in private to him: look you, he must seem thus to the world: this that you heard was but a color.

 

Shallow

 

A color that I fear you will die in, Sir John.

 

Falstaff

 

Fear no colors: go with me to dinner: come, Lieutenant Pistol; come, Bardolph: I shall be sent for soon at night.

 

Falstaff

 

I would ’twere bed-time, Hal, and all well.

 

[Prince Henry’s voice rings out from offstage, an echo from the past].

 

Why, thou owest God a death.

 

Falstaff

 

’Tis not due yet; I would be loath to pay him before his day. What need I be so forward with him that calls not on me? Well, ’tis no matter; honor pricks me on. Yea, but how if honor prick me off when I come on? How then? Can honor set to a leg?

 

All

 

No.

 

Falstaff

 

Or an arm?

 

All

 

No.

 

Falstaff

 

Or take away the grief of a wound?

 

All

 

No.

 

Falstaff

 

What is honor? A word. What is in that word honor?

 

All

 

Air.

 

Falstaff

 

Who hath it? He that died o’ Wednesday. Doth he feel it?

 

All

 

No.

 

Falstaff

 

’Tis insensible, then. Yea, to the dead. But will it not live with the living?

 

All

 

No

 

Falstaff

 

Why? Detraction will not suffer it. Therefore I’ll none of it.

 

A

 

Honor is a mere scutcheon.

 

Falstaff

 

And so ends my catechism.

 

all hold hands and bow! Standing ovation!

Join us for Let's Make a Scene: Hamlet on Wednesday May 24th, 2023 at 7:30 PM!

Free and fun, we will round-robin read over Zoom: Hamlet: The 30-Minute Shakespeare.

Be serious, sanguine, silly, sad, angry, depressed, insane, pedantic, evil, ghostly, be it all!

All participants receive a free emailed PDF of Hamlet: The 30-Minute Shakespeare.

Join us; no experience necessary!

Zoom link: 

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/85041676802?pwd=ZWVSbUxna2tXSFpmQkIrbHJVTUNjdz09

If you want to print out the script or

read it on a tablet here are some versions to print, copy etc.

And here is the script, pasted:

Play on!

Hamlet: The 30-Minute Shakespeare

Characters in the Play

scene 1. act i, Scene ii)

Elsinore. A room of state in the castle. 

Narrator

Hamlet, the Prince of Denmark, is grieving over his father’s death. To make matters worse, his uncle Claudius has become king by marrying Hamlet’s mother, Queen Gertrude. Then there is the matter of the ghost . 

King Claudius

Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother’s death The memory be green, our hearts in grief,  We with wisest sorrow think on him. 

Together with our sometime sister, now our queen,

Have we, with mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage, 

Taken to wife. 

But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son, 

How is it that the clouds still hang on you?

Hamlet 

Not so, my lord; I am too much i’ the sun.

Queen Gertrude 

Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off, Do not for ever with thy vailed lids 

Seek for thy noble father in the dust: 

Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die, Passing through nature to eternity.

Hamlet

Ay, madam, it is common.

King Claudius

’Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet, To give these mourning duties to your father: 

But, you must know, your father lost a father; 

That father lost, lost his: but to persever 

In obstinate condolement, ’tis a fault against the dead.  Come away.

Hamlet

O, that this too too solid flesh would melt Thaw and resolve itself into a dew! How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable, Seem to me all the uses of this world! 

That it should come to this! 

But two months dead: 

So excellent a king; that was, to this, 

Hyperion to a satyr; so loving to my mother 

Frailty, thy name is woman!— Why she, even she— 

O, God! A beast, that wants discourse of reason, 

Would have mourn’d longer—married with my uncle, 

                       (addresses audience) 

My father’s brother. 

O, most wicked speed, to post 

With such dexterity to incestuous sheets! 

But break, my heart; for I must hold my tongue.

Horatio 

Hail to your lordship!

Hamlet

I am glad to see you well, Horatio.

Horatio

My lord, I came to see your father’s funeral.

Hamlet (looks upward)

My father!—Methinks I see my father.

Horatio  

Where, my lord? (haltingly, taken aback)

Hamlet

In my mind’s eye, Horatio.

Horatio 

My lord, I think I saw him yesternight.

Hamlet

The king my father! 

For God’s love, let me hear.

Horatio

Two nights together with those gentlemen, 

Marcellus and Bernardo, on our watch, In the dead vast and middle of the night, were thus encounter’d. A figure like your father, 

Armed at point exactly, 

Appears before us, and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by us:  

It lifted up its head, like as it would speak; 

But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish’d from our sight.

Hamlet

’Tis very strange. 

I will watch to-night; Perchance ’twill walk again.

Horatio

I warrant it will.

Hamlet

So, fare you well: 

Upon the platform, ’twixt eleven and twelve, I’ll visit you.

Horatio

My duty to your honor.

Hamlet

My father’s spirit in arms! All is not well; 

Foul deeds will rise, 

Though all the earth o’erwhelm them, to men’s eyes.

 

Scene 2. Act I, Scene IV

A platform before the castle.

Narrator

On the watchmen’s platform, the ghost of the former king, Hamlet’s father, appears to give Hamlet disturbing news.

Hamlet

The air bites shrewdly; it is very cold.

Horatio

Look, my lord, it comes!

Enter Ghost

Hamlet

Angels and ministers of grace defend us! 

Bring with thee airs from heaven or blasts from hell, King, father: O, answer me!

Horatio

It beckons you to go away with it.

Hamlet

Then I will follow it.

Horatio

Do not, my lord.

Hamlet

My fate cries out, I’ll follow thee.

Horatio

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

 

Scene 3. Act I, Scene V

Another part of the platform.

Hamlet 

Where wilt thou lead me? Speak; I’ll go no further.

Ghost

I am thy father’s spirit, 

Doom’d for a certain term to walk the night, 

And for the day confined to fast in fires, Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature Are burnt and purged away. List, list, O, list! 

If thou didst ever thy dear father love—

Hamlet

O God!

Ghost

Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.

Hamlet

Murder!

Ghost

Now, Hamlet, hear: Sleeping in my orchard, A serpent stung me. 

The serpent that did sting thy father’s life Now wears his crown.

Hamlet

O my prophetic soul! My uncle!

Ghost

Ay, that incestuous, that adulterate beast, 

Won to his shameful lust 

The will of my most seeming-virtuous queen: 

Sleeping within my orchard, 

Thy uncle stole, 

With juice of cursed hebenon in a vial, 

And in the porches of my ears did pour 

The leperous distilment; 

Thus was I, sleeping, by a brother’s hand Of life, of crown, of queen, at once dispatch’d: 

O, horrible! Most horrible! 

Adieu, adieu! Hamlet, remember me.

Hamlet 

Remember thee! 

Ay, thou poor ghost, while memory holds a seat In this distracted globe. 

O most pernicious woman! Smiling, damned villain!

Hamlet

Give me one poor request, Horatio.

Horatio 

What is’t, my lord? I will.

Hamlet 

Never make known what you have seen to-night.

Horatio  

My lord, I will not.

Ghost Swear.

Horatio

O day and night, but this is wondrous strange!

Ghost (offstage) Swear.

Hamlet

Rest, rest, perturbed spirit!

Let us go in together; 

And still your fingers on your lips, I pray. The time is out of joint: O cursed spite, That ever I was born to set it right!

.

Scene 4. Act II Scene II

A room in the castle.

Narrator

A traveling acting troupe arrives at Elsinore; Hamlet decides to have the players act out his father’s murder. (emphatically) The play’s the thing.

Hamlet

I’ll have the players 

Play something like the murder of my father 

Before mine uncle:  

I’ll observe his looks; 

If he but blench, I know my course. 

The play’s the thing 

Wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king.

Scene 5. Act III Scene I

A room in the castle.

Narrator

Hamlet and Ophelia, the daughter of King Claudius’s chief officer Polonius, have recently confessed their affection for each other. But when Ophelia’s father, bound by the king to spy on Hamlet, orders Ophelia to return Hamlet’s love letters, the prince’s vicious and unhinged reaction upsets her greatly.

Ophelia:

My lord, I have remembrances of yours, That I have longed long to

re-deliver; I pray you, now receive them.

Hamlet

No, not I; 

I never gave you aught.

Ophelia

My honor’d lord, you know right well you did; 

And, with them, words of so sweet breath composed 

As made the things more rich: their perfume lost, Take these again; for to the noble mind 

Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind. There, my lord.

.

Hamlet

I did love you once.

Ophelia

Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so.

Hamlet

You should not have believed me; I loved you not.

Ophelia

I was the more deceived.

Hamlet) 

Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners? Or, if thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them. (points again)To a nunnery, go, and quickly too. Farewell. 

Ophelia

O heavenly powers, restore him!

Hamlet 

God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another. Go to, I’ll no more on’t; it hath made me mad. I say, we will have no more marriages. To a nunnery, go.

Ophelia

O, what a noble mind is here o’erthrown! 

I see that noble and most sovereign reason, 

Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune and harsh;  O, woe is me, to have seen what I have seen,           see what I see! 

 

Scene 6. Act III Scene II

A hall in the castle.

Hamlet

Horatio, there is a play to-night before the king; One scene of it comes near the circumstance Which I have told thee of my father’s death: 

Give him heedful note; 

For I mine eyes will rivet to his face, And after we will both our judgments join In censure of his seeming.

Horatio

Well, my lord.

Hamlet

They are coming to the play; I must be idle: 

Get you a place..

Queen Gertrude 

Come hither, my dear Hamlet, sit by me.

Hamlet 

No, good mother, here’s metal more attractive. 

The Players begin their show. Enter a king and a queen very lovingly; the queen embracing him, and he her. She bows to him. He takes her up, and declines his head upon her neck: he lies down upon a bank of flowers: she, seeing him asleep, leaves him. Anon comes in a fellow, takes off his crown, kisses it, and pours poison in the king’s ears, and exit. The queen returns; finds the king dead, and mourns in anguish. The poisoner, comes in again, seeming to lament with her. The dead body stays dead. The poisoner woos the queen with gifts: she seems loath and unwilling awhile, but in the end accepts his love.

Ophelia ( 

What means this, my lord?

Hamlet

It means mischief.

King Claudius  

What do you call the play?

Hamlet

The Mouse-trap

 

Ophelia

The king rises.

Hamlet

What, frighted with false fire!

Queen Gertrude

How fares my lord?

King Claudius

Give me some light: away!

All

Lights, lights, lights!

Hamlet

O good Horatio, I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand pound. Didst perceive?

Horatio

Very well, my lord.

Hamlet 

Upon the show of the poisoning?

Horatio

I did very well note him.

Hamlet

I will come to my mother by and by.  Leave me, friend.’Tis now the very witching time of night, When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out Contagion to this world. Soft! Now to my mother.

 

 Scene 7. Act III Scene IV

The Queen’s closet.

Narrator

Hamlet confronts his mother, resulting in a bloody deed involving Ophelia’s father, Lord Polonius; the Ghost returns.

Polonius

He will come straight.  

Tell him his pranks have been too broad to bear with. I’ll sconce me even here. 

Hamlet Mother, mother, mother!

Queen Gertrude

Withdraw, I hear him coming.

.Hamlet 

Now, mother, what’s the matter?

Queen Gertrude

Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.

Hamlet

Mother, you have my father much offended.

Queen Gertrude 

Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue.

Hamlet

Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue.

Hamlet

How now! A rat? Dead, for a ducat, dead!

Hamlet finds Polonius behind the pillar and stabs him with  his sword.

Lord Polonius

 O! 

Queen Gertrude 

O me, what hast thou done?

Hamlet

Is it the king?

Queen Gertrude

O, what a rash and bloody deed is this!

Hamlet

Almost as bad as kill a king, and marry with his brother.

Queen Gertrude 

As kill a king!

Hamlet 

Ay Lady, ’twas my word.

Hamlet

Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell! I took thee for thy better: 

Ghost

Do not forget: this visitation 

Is but to whet thy almost blunted purpose. But, look, amazement on thy mother sits:  

           Speak to her, Hamlet.

Hamlet Do you see nothing there?

Queen Gertrude

Nothing at all..

Hamlet 

Why, look you there!  

My father!

Queen Gertrude

This the very coinage of your brain:

Hamlet  

It is not madness

Confess yourself to heaven; avoid what is to come.

Queen Gertrude (disconsolate) 

O Hamlet, thou hast cleft my heart in twain. 

Hamlet

O, throw away the worser part of it, 

And live the purer with the other half.

Scene 8. Act IV Scene V

Elsinore. A room in the castle.

Narrator

Tragic events have had their effect on Ophelia.

Ophelia

Where is the beauteous majesty of Denmark?

Queen Gertrude

How now, Ophelia!

Ophelia (singing) 

He is dead and gone, lady, 

He is dead and gone; 

At his head a grass-green turf, At his heels a stone.

.

King Claudius

How do you, pretty lady?

Ophelia (singing) 

To-morrow is Saint Valentine’s day, 

All in the morning betime, 

And I a maid at your window, To be your Valentine.

. King Claudius

 How long hath she been thus? 

Ophelia

I cannot choose but weep, to think they should lay him i’ the cold ground. My brother shall know of it. 

Ophelia.

Come, my coach!

Good night, ladies; good night, sweet ladies; good night, good night. 

. King Claudius 

O, this is the poison of deep grief; it springs 

All from her father’s death. Poor Ophelia 

Divided from herself and her fair judgment.

Laertes

Where is this king? O thou vile king, Where is my father?

King Claudius 

Dead. 

Laertes

How came he dead? I’ll not be juggled with: 

To hell, allegiance! Vows, to the blackest devil! 

I’ll be revenged most thoroughly for my father. 

King Claudius  

I am guiltless of your father’s death, And am most sensible in grief for it.

Laertes 

How now! What noise is that?

[Re-enter Ophelia from stage right, disheveled and with hair  a mess.]

O heat, dry up my brains! 

By heaven, thy madness shall be paid by weight. 

O rose of May! 

Dear maid, kind sister, sweet Ophelia! 

Ophelia [singing] 

And will he not come again? 

And will he not come again? 

No, no, he is dead: 

Go to thy death-bed: 

He never will come again.

Laertes  

Do you see this, O God?

King Claudius 

Where the offense is let the great axe fall. I pray you, go with me.

Scene 9. Act V, Scene II additional  Material from Act III Scene I

A hall in the castle.

Narrator

Hamlet and Laertes duel. Poison is involved. I do not predict a 

Hamlet

There’s a divinity that shapes our ends, 

Rough-hew them how we will,—

Horatio

That is most certain.

Hamlet 

Is’t not perfect conscience, 

To quit him with this arm? 

Horatio

Peace! Who comes here?

Osric 

Your lordship is right welcome back to Denmark.

Hamlet

I humbly thank you, sir. 

Osric

My lord, his majesty bade me signify to you that he has laid a great wager on your head: Here is newly come to court Laertes. The king, sir, hath laid, that in a dozen passes between yourself and him, he shall not exceed you three hits.

Hamlet

Let the foils be brought, the gentleman willing, and the king hold his purpose, I will win for him. 

 

Osric 

The king and queen and all are coming down.

Horatio

You will lose this wager, my lord.

Hamlet

There’s a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. The readiness is all.

King Claudius 

Come, Hamlet, come, and take this hand from me.

Hamlet

Give me your pardon, sir: I’ve done you wrong; I here proclaim was madness.

Laertes

I stand aloof; and will no reconcilement.

King Claudius 

Give them the foils, young Osric. 

Laertes

This is too heavy, let me see another. 

King Claudius 

The king shall drink to Hamlet’s better breath; Come, begin.

Laertes

Come, my lord.

Hamlet

One.

Laertes

No.                                                         

Hamlet

Judgment.

Osric

A hit, a very palpable hit.

Laertes 

Well; again.

King Claudius 

Stay; give me drink. Hamlet, this pearl is thine; Here’s to thy health.

Hamlet

I’ll play this bout first; set it by awhile. Come.

Another hit; what say you? 

Laertes

A touch, a touch, I do confess.

Queen Gertrude 

The queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet.

Hamlet

Good madam!

King Claudius 

Gertrude, do not drink.

Queen Gertrude 

I will, my lord; I pray you, pardon me.

King Claudius

It is the poison’d cup: it is too late. 

Hamlet

I dare not drink yet, madam; by and by.

Laertes

Have at you now!

Queen Gertrude [falls.]

Horatio

They bleed on both sides. How is it, my lord?

Osric

How is’t, Laertes? 

Laertes

I am justly kill’d with mine own treachery.

Hamlet

How does the queen?

King Claudius 

She swounds to see them bleed.

Queen gertrude 

No, no, the drink, the drink,—O my dear Hamlet,— The drink, the drink! I am poison’d.

Queen Gertrude [dies.]

Hamlet O villany! Let the door be lock’d: Treachery! Seek it out. 

Laertes

It is here, Hamlet: Hamlet, thou art slain; 

The treacherous instrument is in thy hand, envenom’d: 

Thy mother’s poison’d: The king’s to blame.

Hamlet 

The point!—Envenom’d too! 

Then, venom, to thy work.

[Hamlet stabs King Claudius]. 

king Claudius 

O, yet defend me, friends; I am but hurt.

Hamlet

Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane, Drink off this potion. Is thy union here? 

Follow my mother.

King Claudius [dies.]

Laertes

He is justly served; 

Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet: Mine and my father’s death come not upon thee, Nor thine on me.

laertes [dies.]

Hamlet

Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee. 

I am dead, Horatio. Wretched queen, adieu! 

Horatio, I am dead; 

Thou livest; report me and my cause aright To the unsatisfied. 

If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart In this harsh world draw thy breath in pain, To tell my story. 

O, I die, Horatio; 

The potent poison quite o’er-crows my spirit: 

The rest is silence.

hamlet [dies

Horatio

Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince: 

And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!

All start to gather onstage.

Actor 1

To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Actor 2

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer 

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Actor 3

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? 

All

To die: to sleep; No more; 

Actor4   and by a sleep to say we end 

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to,

Actor 5

’tis a consummation 

Devoutly to be wish’d. 

All

To die, to sleep;

Actor 6

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;

Actor 7

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

All

Must give us pause: 

Actor 8   There’s the respect 

That makes calamity of so long life;

All

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;

Actor 9

And thus the native hue of resolution 

Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,

 

ALL hold hands and take a bow

To Thunderous applause!

 

 

 

 

Hello all!

Let's Make a Scene Romeo and Juliet is Monday April 3 at 7:30 PM.

Here is the script in Word . PDF and text: (You can read it on a tablet or print it out)

Click the Blue for the scritps

We will also paste the script into the Zoom chat)  See you 7:30 EST Monday April 3, 2023

I will paste the text of the script below.

The lates Zoom link (I had to change it because the original link was locked at an erroneous 7:30 AM start time, so here is the latest!:

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/84195384026?pwd=bUVqM0N6ODhZYnVJV1dGTUxaK1kwdz09

This is the Facebook event page, (which claims the event has ended, because I put 7:30 AM, but it's happening!

https://www.facebook.com/events/142908918494207/?ref=newsfeed

***

Here is the script pasted:

Romeo and Juliet: Let’s Make a Scene

Return  to  seats  amidst  thunderous  applause!

 

It's time for Let's Make a Scene! 

This time we will be doing a round-robin reading of Shakespeare's Worst, a hilarious sendup of The Two Gentleman of Verona that I co-wrote with long time The Simpsons writer, Mike Reiss.

An actor in the play is disenchanted with his career and not a big Shakespeare fan, so he disrupts the proceedings, and mayhem ensues!

Here is the Zoom link:

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/85175683134?pwd=V25OdUJxSXlJUEl1clhJSjNjbjFaZz09

We are going to read the Stage Directions too this time, so here is  a link to the script.  

Here it is as a doc:

Hey all!

Here is the script for Love's Labors Lost for Let's Make a Scene!

Here it is in Microsoft Word.

The following is a list of characters that appear in this cutting of

Love’s Labor’s Lost.

Twenty actors performed in the original production. This number can be increased to about thirty or decreased to about twelve by having actors share or double roles.

For the full breakdown of characters, see Sample Program.

KING FERDINAND: King of Navarre

BEROWNE ,

LONGAVILLE, 

DUMAINE

Lords attending on the King

COSTARD: A clown

BOYET

 MARCADE

Lords attending on the Princess of France

DULL: A constable

THE PRINCESS OF FRANCE 

ROSALINE

MARIA

 KATHARINE

Ladies attending on the Princess

DON ARMADO: A fantastical Spaniard

SIR NATHANIEL: A curate HOLOFERNES: 

A schoolmaster 

BOY/MOTH: 

Page to DonArmado NARRATORS

 

 

  SCENE 1. (ACT I, SCENE I)

The King of Navarre’s Court.

 

NARRATOR

The King of Navarre and his lords vow to retire from the world (especially from women) and study for three years. We will see how long this plan lasts!

 

FERDINAND

Let fame, that all hunt after in their lives, Live regist’red upon our brazen tombs, And then grace us in the disgrace of death;

You three, Berowne, Dumaine, and Longaville, Have sworn for three years’ term to live with me, My fellow-scholars, and to keep those statutes That are recorded in this schedule here: Subscribe to your deep oaths, and keep it too.

 LONGAVILLE

I am resolv’d; ’tis but a three years’ fast:

The mind shall banquet, though the body pine.

 DUMAINE

My loving lord, Dumaine is mortified:

To love, to wealth, to pomp, I pine and die, With all these living in philosophy.

 

BEROWNE 

So much, dear liege, I have already sworn, That is, to live and study here three years. But there are other strict observances:

As, not to see a woman in that term, Which I hope well is not enrolled there: And one day in a week to touch no food, Which I hope well is not enrolled there.

O! These are barren tasks, too hard to keep, Not to see ladies, study, fast, not sleep.

 LONGAVILLE

You swore to that, Berowne, and to the rest.

 BEROWNE

By yea and nay, sir, then I swore in jest. What is the end of study? Let me know. Study me how to please the eye indeed, By fixing it upon a fairer eye.

 LONGAVILLE

Berowne is like an envious sneaping frost That bites the first-born infants of the spring.

 BEROWNE 

Well, say I am: why should proud summer boast Before the birds have any cause to sing?

 

FERDINAND

Well, sit out; go home, Berowne; adieu.

 BEROWNE 

No, my good lord; I have sworn to stay with you; I’ll write my name. (signs his name)

 

FERDINAND

How well this yielding rescues thee from shame!

 

BEROWNE [reading]

“Item, That no woman shall come within a mile of my court.”

This article, my liege, yourself must break; For well you know here comes in embassy

The French king’s daughter, with yourself to speak— A mild of grace and complete majesty—

About surrender up of Aquitaine

To her decrepit, sick, and bedrid father: Therefore this article is made in vain,

Or vainly comes th’ admired princess hither.

 

FERDINAND

What say you, lords? Why, this was quite forgot.

 

BEROWNE

So study evermore is over-shot:

We must of force dispense with this decree; She must lie here on mere necessity.

Necessity will make us all forsworn

Three thousand times within this three years’ space.

 LONGAVILLE

Costard the swain shall be our sport; And so to study three years is but short.

 

DULL

Signior Arm—Arm—commends you. There’s villainy abroad: this letter will tell you more. 

 

COSTARD

Sir, the contempts thereof are as touching me.

 KING

A letter from the magnificent Armado.

 COSTARD

The matter is to me, sir, as concerning Jaquenetta. The manner of it is, I was taken with the manner.

 BEROWNE

In what manner?

 COSTARD

In manner and form following, sir; all those three:

I was seen with her in the manor-house, sitting with her upon the form, and taken following her into

the park; —it is the manner of

a man to speak to a woman, for the form,—in some form.

 

FERDINAND

Will you hear this letter with attention? [reading]“Great deputy, the welkin’s vicegerent and sole dominator of Navarre, my soul’s earth’s god and body’s fostering patron.”

 

COSTARD

Not a word of Costard yet.

 FERDINAND

Peace!

 COSTARD

Be to me, and every man that dares not fight!

 FERDINAND

No words!

 COSTARD

Of other men’s secrets, I beseech you.

 FERDINAND

“So it is, besieged with sable-coloured melancholy, I betook myself to walk, where, I did encounter that obscene and most preposterous event, there did I see that low-spirited swain, that base minnow of thy mirth,”

 

COSTARD

Me.

 FERDINAND

“that unlettered small-knowing soul,”—

 COSTARD

Me.

 FERDINAND 

“that shallow vassal,”—

 

COSTARD

Still me?

 FERDINAND 

“which, as I remember, hight Costard,”—

 

COSTARD

O me!

 FERDINAND

“sorted and consorted, contrary to thy established proclaimed edict and continent canon, with— with,—  

COSTARD

With a wench.

 FERDINAND

“with a child of our grandmother Eve, a female; Jaquenetta, which I apprehended with the aforesaid swain,— and shall, bring her to trial. Thine, in heart-burning heat of duty, DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO.”

 FERDINAND

But, sirrah, what say you to this?

 

COSTARD

Sir, I confess the wench.

 FERDINAND

Did you hear the proclamation?

 

COSTARD

I do confess much of the hearing it, but little of the marking of it.

 

FERDINAND

Sir, I will pronounce your sentence: you shall fast a week with bran and water.

 

COSTARD

I had rather pray a month with mutton and porridge.

 

FERDINAND

And Don Armado shall be your keeper. My Lord Berowne, see him delivered o’er: And go we, lords, to put in practice that

Which each to other hath so strongly sworn.

BEROWNE

I’ll lay my head to any good man’s hat

These oaths and laws will prove an idle scorn. Sirrah, come on.

COSTARD

I suffer for the truth, sir: for true it is I was taken with Jaquenetta, and Jaquenetta is a true girl; and therefore welcome the sour cup of prosperity!

Affiiction may one day smile again; and till then, sit thee down, sorrow! 

  SCENE 2. (ACT II, SCENE I)

The King of Navarre’s Park.

NARRATOR

The Princess of France and her ladies arrive at Navarre. Ferdinand’s lords each take an interest in one of the Princess’s ladies. Maybe that plan not to see women was not such a good idea!

 

BOYET

Now, madam, summon up your dearest spirits: Consider who the king your father sends,

and what’s his embassy:

To parley with Matchless Navarre; the plea of no less weight

Than Aquitaine, a dowry for a queen.

 

PRINCESS

Good Lord Boyet,

You are not ignorant, Navarre hath made a vow, Till painful study shall outwear three years,

No woman may approach his silent court: Tell him the daughter of the King of France,

Importunes personal conference with his Grace.

 

BOYET

Proud of employment, willingly I go.

 

PRINCESS [calling after him]

All pride is willing pride, and yours is so.

[to ladies] Who are the votaries,

that are vow-fellows with this virtuous duke?

 

MARIA 

Lord Longaville is one.

 

PRINCESS

Know you the man?

 MARIA 

I know him, madam: at a marriage feast, saw I this Longaville.

A man of sovereign parts, he is esteem’d, The only soil of his fair virtue’s gloss,—

Is a sharp wit match’d with too blunt a will.

 PRINCESS

Such short-liv’d wits do wither as they grow. Who are the rest?

 KATHARINE 

The young Dumaine, a well-accomplish’d youth,

For he hath wit to make an ill shape good, 

And shape to win grace though he had no wit.

 

ROSALINE 

Another of these students at that time

Was there with him, if I have heard a truth: Berowne they call him; but a merrier man, Within the limit of becoming mirth,

I never spent an hour’s talk withal.

 PRINCESS

God bless my ladies! Are they all in love, That every one her own hath garnished With such bedecking ornaments of praise? Here comes Boyet.

PRINCESS

Now, what admittance, lord?

 BOYET 

Navarre had notice of your fair approach, And he and his competitors in oath

Were all address’d to meet you, gentle lady, Before I came. Marry, thus much I have learnt; He rather means to lodge you in the field,

Like one that comes here to besiege his court, Than seek a dispensation for his oath,

Here comes Navarre.

 FERDINAND

Fair Princess, welcome to the court of Navarre.

 

PRINCESS

“Fair” I give you back again; and “welcome” I have not yet: the roof of this court is too high to be yours, and welcome to the wide fields too base to be mine.

 FERDINAND

Hear me, dear lady; I have sworn an oath.

 

PRINCESS

I hear your Grace hath sworn out house-keeping: ’Tis deadly sin to keep that oath, my lord,

And sin to break it.

 

FERDINAND 

Madam, I will, if suddenly I may.

 

PRINCESS

You will the sooner that I were away,

For you’ll prove perjur’d if you make me stay.

BEROWNE

Did not I dance with you in Brabant once?

 ROSALINE

Did not I dance with you in Brabant once?

 BEROWNE

I know you did.

 ROSALINE

How needless was it then To ask the question!

 BEROWNE

You must not be so quick.

 ROSALINE

’Tis long of you, that spur me with such questions.

 BEROWNE

Your wit’s too hot, it speeds too fast, ’twill tire.

 ROSALINE

Not till it leave the rider in the mire.

 BEROWNE 

What time o’ day?

 

ROSALINE

The hour that fools should ask.

 BEROWNE

Now fair befall your mask!

 ROSALINE

Fair fall the face it covers!

BEROWNE

And send you many lovers! 

 

ROSALINE 

Amen, so you be none.

BEROWNE

Nay, then will I be gone.

 FERDINAND

You may not come, fair Princess, in my gates; But here without you shall be so receiv’d

As you shall deem yourself lodg’d in my heart, To-morrow shall we visit you again.

 

PRINCESS

Sweet health and fair desires consort your Grace!

 FERDINAND 

Thy own wish wish I thee in every place.

 BOYET

If my observation,—which very seldom lies, By the heart’s still rhetoric disclosed with eyes, Deceive me not now, Navarre is infected.

 PRINCESS

With what?

 BOYET

With that which we lovers entitle affected.

 PRINCESS

Your reason.

 BOYET

Why, all his behaviors did make their retire

To the court of his eye, peeping thorough desire; His heart, like an agate, with your print impress’d, Proud with his form, in his eye pride express’d; Methought all his senses were lock’d in his eye, As jewels in crystal for some prince to buy.

 

PRINCESS

Come, to our pavilion: Boyet is dispos’d.

 BOYET

But to speak that in words which his eye hath disclos’d. I only have made a mouth of his eye,

By adding a tongue which I know will not lie.

 MARIA

Thou art an old love-monger, and speak’st skilfully.

 SCENE 3. (ACT V, SCENE II)

 NARRATOR

The king and his lords, disguised as Russians, visit the ladies, who have their fun by confusing the men. Poor misguided men! How will it all end?

 

PRINCESS

Sweet hearts, we shall be rich ere we depart, If fairings come thus plentifully in.

A lady wall’d about with diamonds!

Look you what I have from the loving king. But, Rosaline, you have a favor too:

Who sent it? And what is it?

 

ROSALINE

I thank Berowne;

I am compar’d to twenty thousand fairs.

O! He hath drawn my picture in his letter.

 PRINCESS

But, Katharine, what was sent to you from fair Dumaine?

 KATHARINE

Madam, this glove.

 PRINCESS

Did he not send you twain?

 KATHARINE

Yes, madam; and, moreover,

Some thousand verses of a faithful lover;

A huge translation of hypocrisy, Vilely compil’d, profound simplicity.

 MARIA

This, and these pearl, to me sent Longaville;

The letter is too long by half a mile.

 PRINCESS

I think no less. Dost thou not wish in heart The chain were longer and the letter short?

 MARIA

Ay, or I would these hands might never part.

 PRINCESS

We are wise girls to mock our lovers so.

 ROSALINE

They are worse fools to purchase mocking so. That same Berowne I’ll torture ere I go.

O that I knew he were but in by th’ week!

How I would make him fawn, and beg, and seek.

 PRINCESS

None are so surely caught, when they are catch’d, As wit turn’d fool: folly, in wisdom hatch’d,

Hath wisdom’s warrant and the help of school And wit’s own grace to grace a learned fool.

 PRINCESS

Here comes Boyet, and mirth is in his face. 

 

BOYET

O! I am stabb’d with laughter! Where’s her Grace?

 PRINCESS

Thy news, Boyet?

 BOYET

Prepare, madam, prepare! Love doth approach disguised,

Armed in arguments; you’ll be surpris’d:

 PRINCESS

But what, but what, come they to visit us?

 BOYET

They do, they do, and are apparell’d thus, Like Muscovites or Russians, as I guess. 

Their purpose is to parley, court, and dance; And every one his love-feat will advance

Unto his several mistress; which they’ll know 

By favours several which they did bestow.

 

PRINCESS

And will they so? The gallants shall be task’d: For, ladies, we will every one be mask’d; Hold, Rosaline, this favour thou shalt wear,

And then the king will court thee for his dear; Hold, take thou this, my sweet, and give me thine,

So shall Berowne take me for Rosaline.

And change you favours too; so shall your loves Woo contrary, deceiv’d by these removes.

PRINCESS

The effect of my intent is to cross theirs; They do it but in mocking merriment; And mock for mock is only my intent.

So shall we stay, mocking intended game,

And they well mock’d, depart away with shame.

 BOYET

The trumpet sounds: be mask’d; the maskers come.

MOTH

“All hail, the richest heauties on the earth!”

A holy parcel of the fairest dames’

That ever turn’d their—backs—to mortal views!

 

BEROWNE

“Their eyes,” villain, “their eyes.”

 MOTH

“That ever turn’d their eyes to mortal views!”

 BEROWNE

Is this your perfectness? Be gone, you rogue.

 ROSALINE [as PRINCESS]

What would these strangers? Know their minds, Boyet.

 

BOYET

What would you with the princess?

 BEROWNE

Nothing but peace and gentle visitation.

 ROSALINE

What would they, say they?

 BOYET

Nothing but peace and gentle visitation.

 ROSALINE

Why, that they have; and bid them so be gone.

 BOYET

She says you have it, and you may be gone.

 FERDINAND

Say to her we have measur’d many miles To tread a measure with her on this grass.

 FERDINAND

Will you not dance? How come you thus estranged?

 

ROSALINE

You took the moon at full; but now she’s chang’d.

BEROWNE

White-handed mistress, one sweet word with thee.

 

PRINCESS

Honey, and milk, and sugar; there is three.

DUMAINE 

Will you vouchsafe with me to change a word?

 

MARIA

Name it.

 DUMAINE

Fair lady,—

 MARIA

Say you so? Fair lord,

Take that for your fair lady.

 

 KATHARINE

What, was your visord made without a tongue?

 

LONGAVILLE

You have a double tongue within your mask, And would afford my speechless visor half. One word in private with you ere I die.

 

KATHARINE

Bleat softly, then; the butcher hears you cry.

ROSALINE

Not one word more, my maids; break off, break off.

.

 BEROWNE

By heaven, all dry-beaten with pure scoff!

 FERDINAND

Farewell, mad wenches; you have simple wits.

 PRINCESS

Twenty adieus, my frozen Muscovits.

 

ROSALINE

O! They were all in lamentable cases!

The King was weeping-ripe for a good word.

 PRINCESS

Berowne did swear himself out of all suit.

 MARIA

Dumaine was at my service, and his sword:

“No point” quoth I; my servant straight was mute.

 KATHARINE

Lord Longaville said, I came o’er his heart.

 

BOYET 

Madam, and pretty mistresses, give ear: Immediately they will again be here

In their own shapes.

 

ROSALINE

Good madam, if by me you’ll be advis’d,

Let’s mock them still, as well known as disguis’d. Let us complain to them what fools were here, Disguis’d like Muscovites, in shapeless gear.

 BOYET

Ladies, withdraw: the gallants are at hand.

FERDINAND

Fair sir, God save you! Where’s the princess?

 

BOYET

Gone to her tent.

 FERDINAND

All hail, sweet madam, and fair time of day!

 

PRINCESS

We have had pastimes here, and pleasant game. A mess of Russians left us but of late.

 

FERDINAND

How, madam! Russians?

 

PRINCESS

Ay, in truth, my lord;

Trim gallants, full of courtship and of state.

Were not you here but even now, disguis’d?

 

FERDINAND 

Madam, I was.

 PRINCESS

Rosaline, what did the Russian whisper in your ear?

 ROSALINE

Madam, he swore that he did hold me dear

adding that he would wed me, or else die my lover.

 PRINCESS

The noble lord

Most honourably doth uphold his word.

FERDINAND

What mean you, madam? By my life, my troth, I never swore this lady such an oath.

 

ROSALINE

By heaven, you did; and, to confirm it plain, You gave me this: but take it, sir, again.

 FERDINAND

My faith and this the princess I did give; I knew her by this jewel on her sleeve.

 

PRINCESS

Pardon me, sir, this jewel did she wear;

And Lord Berowne, I thank him, is my dear.

 BEROWNE

I see the trick on’t: here was a consent, Knowing aforehand of our merriment, To dash it like a Christmas comedy.

The ladies did change favors, and then we, Following the signs, woo’d but the sign of she. Now, to our perjury to add more terror,

We are again forsworn, in will and error.Welcome, pure wit! Thou part’st a fair fray.

 

COSTARD

O Lord, sir, they would know

Whether the three Worthies shall come in or no?

 BEROWNE

Go, bid them prepare.

 

FERDINAND

The ship is under sail, and here she comes amain.

 

COSTARD

“I Pompey am”—

That oft in field, with targe and shield, did make my foe to sweat:

And travelling along this coast, I here am come by chance,

And lay my arms before the legs of this sweet lass of France.

 

BEROWNE

Pompey proves the best Worthy.

 

SIR NATHANIEL

“When in the world I liv’d, I was the world’s

commander;

By east, west, north, and south, I spread my conquering might:

My scutcheon plain declares that I am Alisander”—

 

BEROWNE

Pompey the Great,—

Take away the conqueror, take away Alisander.

 

COSTARD 

Run away for shame, Alisander.

But there are Worthies a-coming will speak their mind in some other sort.

 

PRINCESS

Stand aside, good Pompey.

 

HOLOFERNES

“Great Hercules is presented by this imp,

Whose club kill’d Cerberus, that three-headed canis; And when he was a babe, a child, a shrimp,

Thus did he strangle serpents in his manus. Keep some state in thy exit, and vanish.— ”

“Judas I am.”—

 DUMAINE

A Judas!

 HOLOFERNES

Not Iscariot, sir.

“Judas I am, clipped Maccabaeus.”

 

DUMAINE

Judas Maccabaeus clipt is plain Judas.

 BOYET

Therefore, as he is an ass, let him go.

And so adieu, sweet Jude! Nay, why dost thou stay?

 DUMAINE

For the latter end of his name.

 BEROWNE

For the ass to the Jude? Give it him:—Jud-ass, away!

 HOLOFERNES

This is not generous, not gentle, not humble.

 PRINCESS

Alas! Poor Maccabaeus, how hath he been baited.

 BEROWNE

Hide thy head, Achilles: here comes Hector in arms.

 ARMADO

“The armipotent Mars, of lances the almighty, Gave Hector a gift, the heir of Ilion;

A man so breath’d that certain he would fight ye,

 From morn till night, out of his pavilion.

I am that flower,”—

 

DUMAINE

That mint.

 LONGAVILLE

That columbine.

 

ARMADO

Sweet Lord Longaville, rein thy tongue.

I will forward with my device.

By the north pole, I do challenge thee.

 COSTARD

I’ll slash; I’ll do it by the sword.

I bepray you, let me borrow my arms again.

 DUMAINE

Room for the incensed Worthies!

 COSTARD

I’ll do it in my shirt.

 DUMAINE

Most resolute Pompey hath made the challenge!

 ARMADO

Sweet bloods, I both may and will.

 MARCADE

God save you, madam!

 PRINCESS

Welcome, Marcade;

But that thou interrupt’st our merriment.

 MARCADE

I am sorry, madam; for the news I bring

Is heavy in my tongue. The king your father—

 PRINCESS

Dead, for my life!

 MARCADE

Even so: my tale is told.

 BEROWNE

Worthies away! The scene begins to cloud.

ARMADO

For mine own part, I breathe free breath.

 

FERDINAND 

How fares your Majesty?

 

PRINCESS 

Boyet, prepare: I will away to-night.

 FERDINAND

Madam, not so: I do beseech you stay.

 

PRINCESS

Farewell, worthy lord!

A heavy heart bears not a nimble tongue.

 BEROWNE

Honest plain words best pierce the ear of grief;

For your fair sakes have we play’d foul play with our oaths.

Your beauty, ladies,

Hath much deform’d us, fashioning our humours Even to the opposed end of our intents;

 

PRINCESS

We have receiv’d your letters, full of love; Your favours, the ambassadors of love; And, in our maiden council, rated them At courtship, pleasant jest, and courtesy, and therefore met your loves

In their own fashion, like a merriment.

 DUMAINE

Our letters, madam, show’d much more than jest.

 

LONGAVILLE

So did our looks.

 

ROSALINE

We did not quote them so.

 FERDINAND

Now, at the latest minute of the hour, Grant us your loves.

 PRINCESS 

A time, methinks, too short

To make a world-without-end bargain in. No, no, my lord, your Grace is perjur’d much, Full of dear guiltiness; and therefore this:

Go with speed

To some forlorn and naked hermitage, Remote from all the pleasures of the world; There stay until the twelve celestial signs Have brought about the annual reckoning. Then, at the expiration of the year,

Come, challenge me, challenge me by these deserts; And, by this virgin palm now kissing thine,

I will be thine;

 

FERDINAND

Hence hermit, then. My heart is in thy breast.

 

DUMAINE [to KATHARINE]

But what to me, my love? But what to me?

 

KATHARINE

Come when the King doth to my lady come; Then, if I have much love, I’ll give you some.

 

DUMAINE

I’ll serve thee true and faithfully till then.

 KATHARINE

Yet swear not, lest ye be forsworn again.

 

LONGAVILLE [to MARIA]

What says Maria?

 MARIA

At the twelvemonth’s end

I’ll change my black gown for a faithful friend.

 LONGAVILLE

I’ll stay with patience; but the time is long.

 

BEROWNE [to ROSALINE]

Mistress, look on me;

Impose some service on me for thy love.

 

ROSALINE

My lord Berowne,

You shall this twelvemonth term, from day to day, Visit the speechless sick, and still converse

With groaning wretches; and your task shall be, With all the fierce endeavour of your wit

To enforce the pained impotent to smile. A jest’s prosperity lies in the ear

Of him that hears it, never in the tongue Of him that makes it:

 BEROWNE

A twelvemonth! Well, befall what will befall, I’ll jest a twelvemonth in an hospital.

 PRINCESS [to FERDINAND]

Ay, sweet my lord; and so I take my leave.

 

FERDINAND

No, madam; we will bring you on your way.

 

BEROWNE

Our wooing doth not end like an old play:

Jack hath not Jill; these ladies’ courtesy 

Might well have made our sport a comedy.

 

FERDINAND

Come, sir, it wants a twelvemonth and a day, And then ’twill end.

 

BEROWNE

That’s too long for a play.

 

ARMADO

Sweet Majesty, vouchsafe me,—will you hear the dialogue that the two learned men have compiled in praise of the owl and the cuckoo? It should have followed in the end of our show.

 FERDINAND

Call them forth quickly; we will do so.

 

ARMADO

Holla! Approach.

This is Hiems, Winter; maintained by the owl, Ver, begin.

 

ALL 

When all aloud the wind doth blow, And coughing drowns the parson’s saw, And birds sit brooding in the snow, And Marian’s nose looks red and raw,

When roasted crabs hiss in the bowl, 

Then nightly sings the staring owl: Tu-who;

Tu-whit, to-who—a merry note, While greasy Joan doth keel the pot.

 

ARMADO

The words of Mercury are harsh after the songs of Apollo.

[to audience] You that way: [gestures to self and cast]

we this way.

 [All hold hands and take a bow!].