The30MinuteShakespeare

Greetings! It’s time for our monthly Let’s Make a Scene with The 30-Minute Shakespeare!

 Monday, April 22^nd, 2024 from 7:30  to 8:30 PM EST.

 This month we will  be round-robin reading The Merry Wives of Windsor: the 30-Minute Shakespeare over Zoom.

 No experience necessary!

 You get to play the fat knight Falstaff as he bumbles his way through attempted seduction of Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, who arrange his animalistic comeuppance in the forest.

 You can play the irrepressible Mistress Quickly, the happily drunk Bardolph, the malapropistic French Dr. Caius and any of the myriad merry characters in Shakespeare’s only true domestic comedy.

I'm attaching the script this time WITH stage directions for those who download the script beforehand.  We have been cutting out the stage directions when we paste the script into the chat because it is confusing, but for those who download and/or print ahead of time, the stage directions help give you...direction!  Here they are in Word and PDF WITH stage directions.  (Download at the little blue links):

Merry Wives Script Microsoft Word WITH stage directions:

Merry Wives Script PDF WITH stage directions:

(And in case I have to paste the script into the chat, here are the scripts WITHOUT stage directions:

Word:

PDF:

 

All participants receive a Free PDF of The Merry Wives of Windsor: The 30-Minute Shakespeare

Here is the Zoom link for the event:

 https://us02web.zoom.us/j/81169170152?pwd=NTM0cDZ6OXNtWnJXOFUxZDc0WGtMQT09

Best to download the script and print it out or read it on a tablet but if you just show up I can post the script into the chat and for people who are only using one device, we can paste the script into the chat!  Where there’s a “Will”, there’s a way!

Here is the Facebook event link:

https://fb.me/e/3r7ldeTp3

 Play on!

Nick Newlin

 

 

 

It's time for our The 30-Minute Shakespeare's monthly Let's Make a Scene!  Monday, March 25th, 2024, 7:30 to 8:30 PM EST.

Here is a PDF of the Script; you can print it out or read it on a tablet:

Here is the script in Word:

Click on the little blue link after the text.

(I will also paste the text below.)

 We will join in a rollicking round-robin reading over Zoom of The Taming of the Shrew.

 You get to be the rakish Petruchio, the wild Kate, or anyone in her crazy orbit: hapless suitors, befuddled family, or aghast villagers all trying to make sense of the tornado that is Kate and Petruchio's fighting match of a relationship. 

 No experience necessary! Just jump in and ham it up!

 I will post a link to the script in this space soon, and we will also paste the script into the chat if necessary.  But if you cleverly download the script ahead of time you can print it out or read it on a tablet.  

 FREE PDF of The Taming of the Shrews: The 30-Minute Shakespeare to all participants.

 Here is the Zoom link for the event

Here is the Facebook Event link

FREE PDF of The Taming of the Shrews: The 30-Minute Shakespeare to all participants.

Kiss me, Kate!

****

Here is the script pasted:

Characters in the Play

 

The following is a list of characters that appear in this cutting of The Taming of the Shrew.

 

Lucentio: Suitor to Bianca, later disguised as the teacher Cambio 

Tranio: Servant to Lucentio 

Baptista: Father to Katherine and Bianca 

Gremio: Suitor to Bianca 

Katherine: Baptista’s elder daughter 

Bianca: Baptista’s younger daughter 

Petruchio: Suitor to Katherine 

Grumio: Servant to Petruchio 

Hortensio: Suitor to Bianca, later disguised as the teacher Litio 

Biondello: Servant to Lucentio

Widow servants chorus members narrator 

 

Scene 1  (act I, Scene 1)

 

Padua, the town square.

 

Lucentio

 

Tranio, my trusty servant, To see fair Padua.

I am arrived.

But stay awhile! What company is this?

 

Tranio

 

Master, some show to welcome us to town.

 

Baptista (to Gremio and Hortensio)

Gentlemen, I firmly am resolved not to bestow my youngest daughter Before I have a husband for the elder. If either of you both love Katherine

Leave shall you have to court her at your pleasure.

 

Gremio 

 

She’s too rough for me.

 

Katherine (to Baptista)

 

Is it your will to make a stale of me amongst these mates?

 

Hortensio

 

No mates for you, Unless you were of gentler, milder mold.

 

Katherine (to Hortensio)

 

Her care should be to comb your noddle with a three-legged stool.

 

Hortensio

 

From all such devils, good Lord, deliver us! 

Gremio

 

And me too, good Lord.

 

Tranio (aside to Lucentio)

 

That wench is stark mad or wonderful froward.

 

Lucentio (aside to Tranio, gazing at Bianca)

 

But in the other’s silence do I see Maid’s mild behavior and sobriety. Peace, Tranio.

 

Tranio (aside to Lucentio)

 

Well said, master, and gaze your fill.

 

Baptista 

 

Bianca, get you in.

 

Katherine

 

A pretty peat!

 

Bianca

 

Sister, content you in my discontent. Sir, to your pleasure humbly I subscribe.

 

Baptista

 

Katherine, you may stay, For I have more to commune with Bianca.

 

Katherine

 

I may go too, may I not? Ha!

 

Gremio

 

You may go to the devil’s dam!

 

Hortensio

 

There’s small choice in rotten apples. By helping Baptista’s eldest daughter to a husband we set his youngest free for a husband. Sweet Bianca!

He that runs fastest gets the ring.

How say you, Signior Gremio?

 

Gremio

 

I am agreed. Come on.

 

Tranio

 

I pray, sir, tell me, is it possible That love should of a sudden take such hold? 

 

Lucentio 

 

Tranio, I saw her coral lips to move, And with her breath she did perfume the air.

 

Tranio(to audience)

Nay, then ’tis time to stir him from his trance.

(To Lucentio)

I pray, awake, sir!

Her elder sister is so curst and shrewd That till the father rid his hands of her, Master, your love must live a maid at home.

 

Lucentio

 

But art thou not advised he took some care To get her cunning schoolmasters to instruct her?

 

Tranio (thinking)

 

Ay, marry, am I, sir—and now ’tis plotted! You will be schoolmaster And undertake the teaching of the maid. Take my colored hat and cloak.

 

Scene 2. (Act I, Scene 2)

 

Padua, the town square.

 

Petruchio (to Grumio)

 

Verona, for a while I take my leave To see in Padua

My best beloved friend, Hortensio. Here, sirrah Grumio, knock, I say.

 

Grumio

 

Knock, sir? Whom should I knock? Is there any man has rebused your Worship?

 

Petruchio

 

Villain, I say, knock me here soundly.

 

Grumio

 

Knock you here, sir?

 

Petruchio

 

Villain, I say, knock me at this gate And rap me well, or I’ll knock your knave’s pate.

 

Grumio (to audience, complaining) My master is grown quarrelsome.

 

 

Hortensio

 

How now! My old friend Grumio! and my good friend Petruchio! What happy gale Blows you to Padua

here from old Verona?

 

Petruchio

 

Hortensio, I have thrust myself into this maze, Happily to wive and thrive, as best I may.

 

Hortensio

 

Petruchio, shall I then wish thee to a shrewd ill-favored wife?

And yet I’ll promise thee she shall be rich.

 

Petruchio

 

Signior Hortensio, if thou know One rich enough to be Petruchio’s wife Be she as foul as was Florentius’ love, makes an

ugly face were she as rough as are the swelling Adriatic seas 

I come to wive it wealthily in Padua; If wealthily, then happily in Padua.

 

Grumio (to Hortensio)

 

Why, give him gold enough and marry him to an old trot with ne’er a tooth in her head, though she have as many diseases as two-and-fifty horses.

 

Hortensio

 

I can, Petruchio, help thee to a wife With wealth enough, and young and beauteous, Her only fault Is that she is intolerable curst, And shrewd, and froward, so beyond all measure, I would not wed her for a mine of gold.

 

Petruchio

 

Hortensio, peace. Thou know’st not gold’s effect.

I will board her, though she chide as loud As thunder when the clouds in autumn crack. 

 

Hortensio

 

Her name is Katherina Minola,

Renowned in Padua for her scolding tongue.

 

Petruchio

 

I will not sleep, Hortensio, till I see her.

 

Hortensio 

 

Tarry, Petruchio. I must go with thee, For in Baptista’s keep my treasure is. His youngest daughter, beautiful Bianca.

Therefore this order hath Baptista ta’en, That none shall have access unto Bianca till Katherine the curst have got a husband.

 

Hortensio

 

Now shall my friend Petruchio do me grace And offer me disguised in sober robes To old Baptista as a schoolmaster Well seen in music, to instruct Bianca,

That so I may, by this device at least, 

Have leave and leisure to make love to her.

 

Scene 3 (Act II, Scene 1)

 

Padua, at the home of Baptista .

 

Bianca

 

Good sister, wrong me not, Unbind my hands, I’ll pull them off myself, Or what you will command me will I do, So well I know my duty to my elders.

 

Katherine

 

Of all thy suitors here I charge thee tell Whom thou lov’st best.

 

Bianca

 

I prithee, sister Kate, untie my hands.

 

Baptista (to Katherine)

 

For shame, thou hilding of a devilish spirit!

 

Baptista

 

What, in my sight?—Bianca, get thee in. 

 

Katherine

 

What, will you not suffer me? Nay, now I see She is your treasure, she must have a husband, I must dance barefoot on her wedding day And, for your love to her, lead apes in hell.

 

Baptista

 

Was ever gentleman thus grieved as I? But who comes here?

God save you, gentleman.

 

Petruchio

 

And you, good sir. Pray, have you not a daughter Called Katherina, fair and virtuous?

 

Baptista

 

I have a daughter, sir, called Katherina.

 

Petruchio

 

I am a gentleman of Verona, sir, That hearing of her beauty and her wit, Am bold to show myself a forward guest Within your house Petruchio is my name.

Tell me, if I get your daughter’s love, What dowry shall I have with her to wife?

 

Baptista

 

After my death, the one half of my lands, And, in possession, twenty thousand crowns.

 

Petruchio

 

I tell you, father, I am as peremptory as she proud-minded; And where two raging fires meet together, They do consume the thing that feeds their fury. So I to her and so she yields to me, For I am rough and woo not like a babe.

O, how I long to have some chat with her!

 

Baptista

 

Shall I send my daughter Kate to you?

 

Petruchio

 

I pray you do. I’ll attend her here,

And woo her with some spirit when she comes! Say that she rail, why then I’ll tell her plain She sings as sweetly as a nightingale.

Say that she frown, I’ll say she looks as clear As morning roses newly washed with dew.

But here she comes—and now, Petruchio, speak.

 

Petruchio 

 

Good morrow, Kate, for that’s your name, I hear.

 

Katherine

 

Well have you heard, but something hard of hearing. They call me Katherine that do talk of me.

 

Petruchio

 

You lie, in faith, for you are called plain Kate, And bonny Kate, and sometimes Kate the curst. But Kate, the prettiest Kate in Christendom, and therefore, Kate,

Hearing thy mildness praised in every town, Thy virtues spoke of, and thy beauty sounded

Myself am moved to woo thee for my wife.

 

Katherine

 

“Moved,” in good time! Let him that moved you hither Remove you hence.

I knew you at the first You were a movable.

 

Petruchio 

 

Why, what’s a movable?

 

Katherine

 

A joint stool.

 

Petruchio

 

Thou hast hit it. Come, sit on me.

 

Katherine

 

Asses are made to bear, and so are you.

 

Petruchio

 

Women are made to bear, and so are you.

 

Come, come, you wasp! I’ faith, you are too angry.

 

Katherine

 

If I be waspish, best beware my sting.

 

Petruchio 

 

Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail.

 

Katherine

 

In his tongue. 

 

Petruchio

 

Whose tongue?

 

Katherine

 

Yours, if you talk of tales, and so farewell.

 

Petruchio

 

What, with my tongue in your tail?

 

Nay, come again, good Kate. I am a gentleman.

 

Katherine

 

That I’ll try.

 

Petruchio

 

I swear I’ll cuff you if you strike again.

 

Katherine

 

So may you lose your arms If you strike me, you are no gentleman, And if no gentleman, why then no arms.

 

Petruchio

 

A herald, Kate? O, put me in thy books. 

 

Katherine

 

What is your crest? A coxcomb?

 

Petruchio

 

A combless cock, so Kate will be my hen.

 

Katherine

 

No cock of mine. You crow too like a craven.

Let me go. 

 

Petruchio

 

No, not a whit. I find you passing gentle.

’Twas told me you were rough, and coy, and sullen, And now I find report a very liar.

For thou art pleasant, gamesome, passing courteous, But slow in speech

yet sweet as springtime flowers. 

 

Katherine

 

Where did you study all this goodly speech?

 

Petruchio

 

It is extempore, from my mother wit.

 

Katherine

 

A witty mother, witless else her son.

 

Petruchio

 

Am I not wise?

 

Katherine

 

Yes, keep you warm.

 

Petruchio

 

Marry, so I mean, sweet Katherine, in thy bed. And, will you, nill you, I will marry you.

For I am he am born to tame you, Kate, And bring you from a wild Kate to a Kate Conformable as other household Kates.

Give me thy hand, Kate. I will unto Venice.

We will have rings, and things, and fine array, And kiss me, Kate. We will be married o’ Sunday.

 

Scene 4. (Act III, Scene 1)

 

Padua, at the home of Baptista .

 

Narrator

 

In an effort to win Bianca’s hand, Lucentio disguises himself as a Latin teacher named Cambio. Hortensio disguises himself as a music teacher named Litio.

Clever!

Bianca

 

Why, gentlemen, you do me double wrong To strive for that which resteth in my choice. I’ll learn my lessons as I please myself.

And, to cut off all strife, here sit we down.

(To Hortensio) 

Take you your instrument, play you the whiles; His lecture will be done ere you have tuned.

 

Lucentio (aside)

 

That will be never: (to Hortensio) 

Tune your instrument.

 

Bianca (to Lucentio)

 

Where left we last?

 

Lucentio

 

Here, madam. 

 

Lucentio

 

“Hic ibat,” as I told you before, I am Lucentio, “hic est,” son unto Vincentio of Pisa,

disguised thus to get your love, “Hic steterat,” and that Lucentio that comes a-wooing.

 

Hortensio 

 

Madam, ’tis now in tune.

 

Bianca (to Lucentio)

 

In time I may believe, yet I mistrust. 

 

Hortensio (to Lucentio)

 

You may go walk, and give me leave awhile.

Lucentio

 

Well, I must wait (aside) And watch withal, for, but I be deceived, Our fine musician groweth amorous.

 

Hortensio

 

Madam, before you touch the instrument, Yet read the gamut of Hortensio.

Bianca (reading)

“Do” I am, the ground of all accord:

“re,” to plead Hortensio’s passion; “mi,” Bianca, take him for thy lord, “fa” that loves with all affection; Call you this “gamut”? Tut, I like it not.

Old fashions please me best. I am not so nice To change true rules for odd inventions. Tomorrow is my sister’s wedding day. Farewell, sweet masters both. I must be gone.

 

Lucentio

 

Faith, mistress, then I have no cause to stay.

 

Scene 5. (act III Scene 2)

 

Padua, in front of the Church.

 

Baptista (to Tranio)

 

This is the ’pointed day That Katherine and Petruchio should be married,

And yet we hear not of our son-in-law?

 

Katherine 

 

I told you, I, he was a frantic fool,

Hiding his bitter jests in blunt behavior, Now must the world point at poor Katherine And say “Lo, there is mad Petruchio’s wife, If it would please him come and marry her!”

 

Biondello

 

Why, Petruchio is coming

in a new hat and an old jerkin,

a pair of old breeches thrice turned,

a pair of boots, one buckled, another laced,

an old rusty sword with a broken hilt, and a woman’s crupper of velour.

A monster, a very monster in apparel.

 

Petruchio (looking around)

 

But where is Kate? Where is my lovely bride? (to Baptista) How does my father? Gentles, methinks you frown.

 

Baptista

 

Why, sir, you know this is your wedding day. First were we sad, fearing you would not come, Now sadder that you come An eyesore to our solemn festival.

 

Petruchio

 

Sufficeth I am come to keep my word, But where is Kate? ’Tis time we were at church. To me she’s married, not unto my clothes.

 

Tranio

 

Signior Gremio, came you from the church?

 

Gremio

 

As willingly as e’er I came from school.

 

Tranio

 

And is the bride and bridegroom coming home?

 

Gremio

 

Why, he’s a devil, a devil, a very fiend.

 

Tranio

 

Why, she’s a devil, a devil, the devil’s dam.

 

Gremio

 

Such a mad marriage never was before! Hark, hark, I hear the minstrels play.

 

Petruchio

 

Gentlemen and friends, I thank you for your pains. I know you have prepared great store of wedding cheer, But I mean to take my leave.

I thank you all, That have beheld me give away myself To this most patient, sweet, and virtuous wife.

 

Katherine 

 

Now, if you love me, stay.

 

Petruchio

 

Grumio, my horse.

 

Grumio

 

Ay, sir, they be ready; the oats have eaten the horses.

 

Katherine 

 

Nay, then, Do what thou canst, I will not go today. The door is open, sir. There lies your way.

 

Petruchio

 

Nay, look not big, nor stamp, nor stare, nor fret; I will be master of what is mine own.

She is my goods, my chattels; she is my house, My horse, my ox, my ass, my anything.

And here she stands, touch her whoever dare.

 

Baptista

 

Nay, let them go. A couple of quiet ones!

 

Gremio (laughing)

 

I should die with laughing.

 

Tranio (also laughing)

 

Of all mad matches never was the like.

 

Lucentio

 

Mistress, what’s your opinion of your sister?

 

Bianca

 

That being mad herself, she’s madly mated.

 

Gremio

 

I warrant him, Petruchio is Kated.

 

Scene 6. (act IV, Scene 1)

 

Padua, the home of Petruchio

 

Petruchio

 

Where be these knaves? What, no man at door To hold my stirrup nor to take my horse?

 

Servant 

 

Here, sir.

 

Petruchio

 

Where is the foolish knave I sent before?

 

Grumio

 

Here, sir, as foolish as I was before.

 

Petruchio 

 

You peasant swain, you whoreson malt-horse drudge!

Did I not bid thee meet me in the park And bring along these rascal knaves with thee? Go, rascals, go, and fetch my supper in! 

(sings) Where is the life that late I led? Sit down, Kate, and welcome.

Why, when, I say?—Nay, good sweet Kate, be merry. Off with my boots, you rogues, you villains! When?

Out, you rogues! You pluck my foot awry.

Take that!

Where are my slippers? Shall I have some water?

Come, Kate, and wash.

You whoreson villains, will you let it fall?

 

Katherine 

 

Patience, I pray you, ’twas a fault unwilling.

 

Petruchio

 

A whoreson beetle-headed flap-eared knave! Come, Kate, sit down. I know you have a stomach. What’s this? Mutton?

 

Servant

 

Ay.

 

Petruchio

 

’Tis burnt, and so is all the meat. There, take it to you, trenchers,

You heedless joltheads.

 

Katherine 

 

I pray you, husband, The meat was well.

 

Petruchio

 

I tell thee, Kate, ’twas burnt and dried away, And for this night we’ll fast for company. Come, I will bring thee to thy bridal chamber.

 

Grumio (to Servant)

 

Didst ever see the like?

 

Servant 

 

He kills her in her own humor!

 

Petruchio

 

Thus have I politicly begun my reign.

She ate no meat today, nor none shall eat.

Last night she slept not, nor tonight she shall not. This is a way to kill a wife with kindness.

And thus I’ll curb her mad and headstrong humor. He that knows better how to tame a shrew, Now let him speak; ’tis charity to shew.

 

Scene 7. (act V, Scene 2)

 

Padua, the home of Lucentio.

 

Lucentio

 

At last, though long, our jarring notes agree And time it is when raging war is done To smile at ’scapes and perils overblown.

My fair Bianca, bid my father welcome, While I with selfsame kindness welcome thine. Brother Petruchio, sister Katherina, And thou, Hortensio, with thy loving widow, Feast with the best, and welcome to my house.

 

Baptista

 

Now, in good sadness, son Petruchio, I think thou hast the veriest shrew of all.

 

Petruchio

 

Well, I say no. And therefore, for assurance, Let’s each one send unto his wife,

And he whose wife is most obedient To come at first when he doth send for her Shall win the wager which we will propose.

 

Hortensio

 

Content, what’s the wager?

 

Lucentio

 

A hundred crowns.

 

Hortensio

 

Content.

 

Petruchio

 

A match! ’Tis done.

 

Lucentio (to Biondello)

 

Go, Biondello, bid your mistress come to me.

 

Biondello

 

I go.

 

Lucentio

 

How now, what news?

 

Biondello (to Lucentio)

 

Sir, my mistress sends you word That she is busy, and she cannot come.

 

Petruchio (laughing, mocking)

 

How? “She’s busy, and she cannot come”? Is that an answer?

 

Gremio

 

Ay, and a kind one, too.

 

Pray God, sir, your wife send you not a worse.

 

Hortensio

 

Sirrah Biondello, go and entreat my wife To come to me forthwith.

 

 

Hortensio(haltingly, stuttering)

 

Now, where’s my wife?

 

Biondello

 

She says you have some goodly jest in hand. She will not come. She bids you come to her.

 

All laugh, mocking horTeNsio, who is embarrassed and

 

flustered.

 

Petruchio 

 

Worse and worse. She will not come! O vile, intolerable, not to be endured! Sirrah Grumio, go to your mistress, Say I command her come to me.

 

Katherine

 

What is your will, sir, that you send for me?

 

Baptista

 

Now fair befall thee, good Petruchio! For she is changed as she had never been.

 

Petruchio

 

Nay, I will show more sign of her obedience, Her new-built virtue and obedience. Katherine, that cap of yours becomes you not. Off with that bauble, throw it underfoot.

 

[Katherine obeys and throws the cap under her own foot, grinding it into the ground.]

 

Bianca

 

Fie, what a foolish duty call you this?

 

Lucentio

 

I would your duty were as foolish too.

 

The wisdom of your duty, fair Bianca, Hath cost me a hundred crowns since suppertime.

 

Bianca

 

The more fool you for laying on my duty.

 

Petruchio

 

Katherine, I charge thee tell these headstrong women What duty they do owe their lords and husbands.

 

Widow

 

Come, come. You’re mocking. We will have no telling. 

 

Katherine

 

Fie, fie! Unknit that threat’ning unkind brow, And dart not scornful glances from those eyes To wound thy lord, thy king, thy governor.

Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper, Thy head, thy sovereign, one that cares for thee, Such duty as the subject owes the prince, Even such a woman oweth to her husband; I am ashamed that women are so simple But that our soft conditions and our hearts Should well agree with our external parts?

Come, come, you froward and unable worms!

My mind hath been as big as one of yours, My heart as great, my reason haply more, To bandy word for word and frown for frown; But now I see our lances are but straws, Our strength as weak, our weakness past compare, That seeming to be most which we indeed least are. Then vail your stomachs, for it is no boot, And place your hands below your husband’s foot; In token of which duty, if he please, My hand is ready, may it do him ease.

 

[Katherine puts her hand down on the ground, and Petruchio

puts his foot gently on it.]

 

Petruchio

 

Why, there’s a wench! Come on, and kiss me, Kate!

All

 

We all have come to play a pleasant comedy Seeing too much sadness hath congealed your blood, Therefore we thought it good you hear a play Which bars a thousand harms and lengthens life!

 

All hold hands and take a bow!

Greetings and welcome to another merry and dramatic romp together!

It's our monthly "Let's Make a Scene!:"  A Zoom round-robin reading of Twelfth Night: The 30-Minute Shakespeare!

Wednesday January 22nd 2025 7:30 to 8:30 PM EST

It's my favorite Shakespeare play, full of longing, melancholy, mirth, poetry, music, mistaken identity and gender-bending, perfect for January.

Here is the Script as a Word doc: (look for the little blue download link after the script image)

Here it is as a PDF:

Here is the Zoom link:

And here is the script pasted: You can print it out or read it on a tablet!

 

 

But when I came unto my beds, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,

With tosspots still had drunken heads, For the rain it raineth every day.

 

A great while ago the world begun, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, But that’s all one, our play is done,

And we’ll strive to please you every day

 

And we’ll strive to please you every day.

All hold hands and take a bow. Exeunt.

Bright wishes to you all during this holiday season!  We hope you can join us for our monthly "Let's Make a Scene!"  Thursday, Dec 28th, 2023, 7:30 to 8:30 PM EST we will round-robin read Richard III: The 30-Minute Shakespeare over Zoom.

Be a villainous hunchback King, a grieving-but-easily-seduced widow, a vicious ex-queen, someone soon-to-be murdered, the ghosts of the recently murdered, and more!  All in good fun.

Revel in this Winter of our discontent!

No experience necessary, just show up and read the script in the chat of the Zoom or go to a link I will provide soon to download and print the script or read it on a tablet.

FREE PDF of Richard III: The 30-Minute Shakespeare to all participants.

Be there!  Or be absent at your own peril!

Here is the Zoom Link:

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/84071820952?pwd=Vm5pbnJaWSsrNU9JTzdqalVXZDRhQT09

Here is the script in PDF, Word and Text (small blue links below the text)

And here is the text pasted.  You can print out or read on a tablet.  Play on!  Nick Newlin

Characters In the Play

The following is a list of characters that appear in this cutting

of Richard III.

Twenty characters appeared in the original production. This

number can be increased to about thirty or decreased to about

twelve by having actors share or double roles.

For the full breakdown of characters, see Sample Program.

Richard, Duke oF Gloucester: later King Richard III

Clarence: Brother to King Edward and Richard

Guard

Lady Anne: Widow of Prince Edward (son to the late King

Henry VI), later wife to Richard

Queen Elizabeth: King Edward’s wife (formerly the Lady

Grey)

Duke of Buckingham

Queen Margaret: Widow of King Henry VI

James Tyrrell: Gentleman

Narrator

Duchess of York: Mother of Richard, Edward, and Clarence

Ghost of Prince Edward

Ghost of King Henry VI

Ghost oF Lady Anne

Ghost oF Duke of Buckingham

Ghosts of Two Princes

Lord Stanley: Earl of Derby

Earl oF Richmond: Henry Tudor, later King Henry VII

Scene 1. (act i, Scene i.)

Richard

Now is the winter of our discontent

Made glorious summer by this son of York,

Grim-visaged war hath smoothed his wrinkled front; He

capers nimbly in a lady’s chamber To the lascivious

pleasing of a lute.

But I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks,

I, that am rudely stamped by dissembling nature,

Deformed, unfinished, sent before my time

Into this breathing world scarce half made up,

And that so lamely and unfashionable

That dogs bark at me as I halt by them—

And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover I am

determinèd to prove a villain.

Plots have I laid, inductions dangerous,

By drunken prophecies, libels, and dreams,

To set my brother Clarence and the King

In deadly hate, the one against the other.

.

Dive, thoughts, down to my soul.

Here Clarence comes.

Clarence

I

must, perforce. Farewell.

Brother, good day. What means this armèd guard That

waits upon your Grace?

Clarence

His Majesty,

Tend’ring my person’s safety, hath appointed This

conduct to convey me to the Tower.

Richard

Why, this it is when men are ruled by women. ’Tis not

the King that sends you to the Tower. My Lady Grey

his wife, Clarence, ’tis she That tempers him to this

extremity.

We are not safe, Clarence; we are not safe.

Brother, farewell. I will unto the King,

Meantime, this disgrace in brotherhood

Touches me deeper than you can imagine.

Clarence

I know it pleaseth neither of us well.

Richard

Well, your imprisonment shall not be long.

I will deliver you or else lie for you.

Meantime, have patience.

Richard

Go tread the path that thou shalt ne’er return.

Simple, plain Clarence, I do love thee so

That I will shortly send thy soul to heaven,

Clarence hath not another day to live;

Which done, God take King Edward to His mercy, And

leave the world for me to bustle in. For then I’ll marry

Warwick’s youngest daughter.

What though I killed her husband and her father?

Scene 2. (act i, scene ii.)

Anne

Poor key-cold figure of a holy king,

Thou bloodless remnant of that royal blood,

O, cursèd be the hand that made these holes;

Cursèd the heart that had the heart to do it; If ever he

have wife, let her be made More miserable by the death

of him.

Avaunt, thou dreadful minister of hell.

Thou hadst but power over his mortal body;

His soul thou canst not have. Therefore begone.

Richard

Sweet saint, for charity, be not so curst.

Anne

Behold this pattern of thy butcheries. O, see, see dead

Henry’s wounds !

Open their congealed mouths and bleed afresh!—

Blush, blush, thou lump of foul deformity,

For ’tis thy presence that exhales this blood

From cold and empty veins where no blood dwells.

Thy deeds, inhuman and unnatural,

Provokes this deluge most unnatural.—

Richard

Divine perfection of a woman, I did not kill your

husband.

Anne

Why then, he is alive.

Richard

Nay, he is dead, and slain by Edward’s hands.

Anne

In thy foul throat thou liest. Queen Margaret saw Thy

murd’rous falchion smoking in his blood.

Richard

I was provokèd by her sland’rous tongue. Anne

Thou wast provokèd by thy bloody mind, That never

dream’st on aught but butcheries. Didst thou not kill this

king?

Richard) I grant you.

Anne

Dost grant me, hedgehog?

O, he was gentle, mild, and virtuous.

Richard

The better for the King of heaven that hath him. Anne

He is in heaven, where thou shalt never come. And thou

unfit for any place but hell.

Richard

Yes, one place else, if you will hear me name it.

Anne

Some dungeon.

Richard

Your bedchamber.

Your beauty was the cause of that effect— Your beauty,

that did haunt me in my sleep To undertake the death of

all the world,

So I might live one hour in your sweet bosom.

Anne

Black night o’ershade thy day, and death thy life. It is

a quarrel just and reasonable

To be revenged on him that killed my husband.

Richard

He that bereft thee, lady, of thy husband Did it to help

thee to a better husband.

Anne

Where is he?

Richard Here.

Anne spits at richard..

Why dost thou spit at me? Anne

Would it were mortal poison for thy sake.

Out of my sight! Thou dost infect mine eyes.

Richard

Thine eyes, sweet lady, have infected mine.

Thy beauty hath, and made them blind with weeping.

Lo, here I lend thee this sharp-pointed sword, And

humbly beg the death upon my knee.

Anne

Arise, dissembler. Though I wish thy death, I will not be

thy executioner.

Richard

Then bid me kill myself, and I will do it.

Vouchsafe to wear this ring.

Anne

To take is not to give.

. Richard

Look how my ring encompasseth thy finger;

Even so thy breast encloseth my poor heart.

And if thy poor devoted servant may But beg one favor

at thy gracious hand,

Thou dost confirm his happiness forever.

Anne

What is it?

Richard

After I have solemnly interred And wet his grave with

my repentant tears, I will with all expedient duty see

you.

Grant me this boon.

Anne

With all my heart, and much it joys me too To see you

are become so penitent.— Farewell.

Richard

Was ever woman in this humor wooed?

Was ever woman in this humor won?

I’ll have her, but I will not keep her long.

What, I that killed her husband and his father, And I no

friends to back my suit at all But the plain devil and

dissembling looks?

Ha!

Shine out, fair sun, till I have bought a glass, That I may

see my shadow as I pass.

Scene 3. (act i, Scene iii.)

Richard

They do me wrong, and I will not endure it! Who is it

that complains unto the King That I, forsooth, am stern

and love them not? I must be held a rancorous enemy.

Queen Elizabeth Come, come, we know your meaning, brother

Gloucester.

You envy my advancement, and my friends’.

Richard Our brother is imprisoned by your means, Myself

disgraced, and the nobility Held in contempt.

Queen Elizabeth I never did incense his Majesty Against the

Duke of Clarence.

My lord, you do me shameful injury Falsely to draw me

in these vile suspects.

Small joy have I in being England’s queen.

Queen Margaret Thy honor, state, and seat is due to me.

. Richard

’Tis time to speak, my pains are quite forgot.

Queen Margaret) Out, devil! Thou killed’st my husband Henry

in

the Tower,

And Edward, my poor son, at Tewkesbury.

A murd’rous villain, and so still thou art.

Richard

Foul, wrinkled witch, what mak’st thou in my sight?

Wert thou not banishèd on pain of death?

Queen Margaret

I was, but I do find more pain in banishment Than death

can yield me here by my abode.

A husband and a son thou ow’st to me;

And thou a kingdom;— all of you, allegiance.

This sorrow that I have by right is yours,

And all the pleasures you usurp are mine.

Can curses pierce the clouds and enter heaven?

Why then, give way, dull clouds, to my quick curses!

Edward thy son, that now is

Prince of Wales,

For Edward our son, that was Prince of Wales,

Die in his youth by like untimely violence.

Thyself a queen,

for me that was a queen,

Outlive thy glory, like my wretched self.

Long mayst thou live to wail thy children’s death And

see another, as I see thee now,

Decked in thy rights, as thou art stalled in mine.

Long die thy happy days before thy death,

And, after many lengthened hours of grief,

Die neither mother, wife, nor England’s queen.—

Queen Elizabeth.

Have done thy charm, thou hateful, withered hag.

Queen Margaret

And leave out thee? Stay, dog, for thou shalt hear me.

No sleep close up that deadly eye of thine, Unless it be

while some tormenting dream Affrights thee with a hell

of ugly devils.

Thou elvish-marked, abortive, rooting hog,

The slave of nature and the son of hell,

Thou slander of thy heavy mother’s womb,

Thou loathèd issue of thy father’s loins,

Poor painted queen, vain flourish of my fortune, Why

strew’st thou sugar on that bottled spider, Whose deadly web

ensnareth thee about?

Fool, fool, thou whet’st a knife to kill thyself.

The day will come that thou shalt wish for me To help

thee curse this poisonous bunch-backed toad.

O Buckingham, take heed of yonder dog!

Look when he fawns,

Beware of him.

;

Sin, death, and hell have set their marks on him

Richard

What doth she say, my lord of Buckingham?

Buckingham

Nothing that I respect, my gracious lord.

Queen Margaret

What, dost thou scorn me for

my gentle counsel, And soothe

the devil that I warn thee

from?

O, but remember this another day,

When he shall split thy very heart with sorrow.

Buckingham

My hair doth stand an end to hear her curses.

Richard

The secret mischiefs that I set abroach

I lay unto the grievous charge of others.

And thus I clothe my naked villainy

With odd old ends stol’n forth of Holy Writ,

And seem a saint when most I play the devil

Scene 4. (act iV, Scene ii.)

Narrator

We are now in Act 4. A lot has happened since Act

1. Richard has caused the murder of his brother

Clarence. (Note to Richard: nobody likes a bully.)

Somehow, Richard manages to become king. But he is

not happy yet! So he asks his ally Buckingham to murder

Elizabeth’s sons, the two young princes. Richard is on a

roll!

Richard

Cousin of Buckingham.

Buckingham

My gracious sovereign.

Richard

Give me thy hand.

Ah, Buckingham, now do I play the touch, To try if thou

be current gold indeed:

Young Edward lives; think now what I would speak.

Buckingham

Say on, my loving lord.

Richard

Why, Buckingham, I say I would be king.

Buckingham

Why so you are, my thrice-renownèd lord.

Richard

Ha! Am I king? ’Tis so—but Edward lives.

Buckingham

True, noble prince.

Richard

Shall I be plain? I wish the bastards dead, And I would

have it suddenly performed.

Buckingham Give me some little breath, some pause, dear

lord, Before I positively speak in this.

Richard

High-reaching Buckingham grows circumspect.— No

more shall he be the neighbor to my counsels.

Tyrrel

James Tyrrel, and your most obedient subject.

Richard

Dar’st thou resolve to kill a friend of mine?

Tyrrel

Please you. But I had rather kill two enemies.

Richard

Why then, thou hast it. Two deep enemies, Tyrrel, I

mean those bastards in the Tower..

Tyrrel

I will dispatch it straight.

Buckingham

My lord, I claim the gift, my due by promise,

For which your honor and your faith is pawned— Th’

earldom of Hereford

Which you have promisèd I shall possess.

I am not in the giving vein today.

Buckingham

And is it thus? Repays he my deep service

With such contempt? Made I him king for this? O, let me

be gone while my fearful head is on!

Scene 5. (act iV, Scene iV.)

Queen Margaret

So now prosperity begins to mellow And drop into the

rotten mouth of death. Here in these confines slyly have I

lurked To watch the waning of mine enemies. Who

comes here?

Queen Elizabeth

Ah, my poor princes! Ah, my tender babes, Hover about

me with your airy wings And hear your mother’s

lamentation.

Duchess

So many miseries have crazed my voice That my woe-wearied

tongue is still and mute.

Queen Margaret

I had an Edward till a Richard killed him;

I had a husband till a Richard killed him. Thou hadst an

Edward till a Richard killed him; Thou hadst a Richard till

a Richard killed him. From forth the kennel of thy womb

hath crept A hellhound that doth hunt us all to death—

Duchess

That foul defacer of God’s handiwork

Thy womb let loose to chase us to our graves. Earth

gapes, hell burns, fiends roar, To have him suddenly

conveyed from hence.

Cancel his bond of life, dear God I pray,

That I may live and say “The dog is dead”.

Queen Elizabeth

Thou didst usurp my place, and dost thou not Usurp the

just proportion of my sorrow? Now thy proud neck bears

half my burdened yoke, From which even here I slip my

weary head And leave the burden of it all on thee.

Farewell, York’s wife, and queen of sad mischance.

These English woes shall make me smile in France.

Richard

Who intercepts me in my expedition?

Queen Elizabeth)

Tell me, thou villain-slave, where are my children?

Duchess Art thou my son?

Richard

Madam, I have a touch of your condition, That cannot

brook the accent of reproof.

Duchess

Thou cam’st on Earth to make the Earth my hell.

A grievous burden was thy birth to me;

Therefore take with thee my most grievous curse,)

The little souls of Edward’s children.

Bloody thou art; bloody will be thy end.

Shame serves thy life and doth thy death attend.

Richard

Stay, madam. I must talk a word with you. You have a

daughter called Elizabeth, I love thy daughter.

And do intend to make her Queen of England.

Queen Elizabeth

How canst thou woo her?

That would I learn of you.

Queen Elizabeth

Shall I be tempted of the devil thus?

Richard

Ay, if the devil tempt you to do good.

Queen Elizabeth

Yet thou didst kill my children.

Richard

But in your daughter’s womb I bury them,

Where, in that nest of spicery, they will breed Selves of

themselves, to your recomforture.

Queen Elizabeth (comforted and hypnotized by this idea) Shall

I go win my daughter to thy will?

Richard

And be a happy mother by the deed.

Queen Elizabeth

I go.

Richard

Relenting fool and shallow, changing woman!

Scene 6. (act V, Scene iii.)

Narrator

Guess what happened to Richard’s only real ally

Buckingham for refusing to kill the two young

princes? You guessed it: Execution! Meanwhile,

Richmond and his army are preparing to march

against Richard. Richard tries to get some rest in his

tent, but the pesky ghosts of people he has killed

interrupt his beauty sleep. Sorry, Richard. Payback is

a bitch.

. Richard

Up with my tent!—Here will I lie tonight. But where

tomorrow?

.

Ghost of Edward

Let me sit heavy on thy soul tomorrow. Think how thou

stabbed’st me in my prime of youth Despair therefore,

and die!

Despair therefore, and die!

Ghost oF Henry VI

When I was mortal, my anointed body By thee was

punchèd full of deadly holes.

Think on the Tower and me. Despair and die!

Despair and die!

Ghost of Anne

Richard, thy wife, that wretched Anne thy wife, That

never slept a quiet hour with thee, Now fills thy sleep

with perturbations. Tomorrow, in the battle, think on me,

And fall thy edgeless sword. Despair and die!

Despair and die!

Ghost of Buckingham

The first was I that helped thee to the crown; The last

was I that felt thy tyranny. O, in the battle think on

Buckingham, And die in terror of thy guiltiness.

And die in terror of thy guiltiness!

Ghosts of Princes (to Richard)

Dream on thy cousins smothered in the Tower. Let us be

lead within thy bosom, Richard,

And weigh thee down to ruin, shame, and death.

Thy nephews’ souls bid thee despair and die.

Despair and

Die!

. Richard

Give me another horse! Bind up my wounds!

Have mercy, Jesu!—

Soft, I did but dream.

O coward conscience, how dost thou afflict me! What

do I fear? Myself? There’s none else by.

My conscience hath a thousand several tongues, And

every tongue brings in a several tale,

And every tale condemns me for a villain. I shall

despair. There is no creature loves me, And if I die no

soul will pity me.

Scene 7. (act V, Scenes 4 and 5)

Richard

A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!

[Richmond takes his sword and, in slow motion, stab the

terrified Richard and kills him].

Richmond

God and your arms be praised, victorious friends!

The day is ours; the bloody dog is dead.

“The bloody dog is dead!”

Stanley

Courageous Richmond

Wear it, enjoy it, and make much of it.

Richmond

England hath long been mad and scarred herself:

The brother blindly shed the brother’s blood;

The father rashly slaughtered his own son;

The son, compelled, been butcher to the sire.

O, now let Richmond and Elizabeth,

The true succeeders of each royal house,

By God’s fair ordinance conjoin together,

All

Now civil wounds are stopped, peace lives again.

That she may long live here, God say amen.

ALL hold hands and take a bow!

Hey all! Great job on Let's Make a Scene: As You Like It!

I loved every minute of it.

Here is the recording of the Zoom

Our next Le'ts Make a Scene will be Thursday December 28th at 7:30 EST

(I know I said it would be Wednesday but that didnt' work!)

We will be doing Richard III: The 30-Minute Shakespeare

"Now is the Winter of our discontent..."

Here is the PDF of As You Like It: The 30-Minute Shakespeare!

Enjoy and see you later in the month!

Have a great Holiday season,

Nick

*****

Greetings!

Here is the script L:et;s Make a Scene: As You Like It!

You can print out or read it on a tablet etc.

Tuesday, November 28th, 2023 7:30 to 8:30 PM EST

Word doc: Click the tiny blue link below the text box

PDF: (Likewise, click the tiny blue link below)

(We will also paste the script into the chat, so you will have an opportunity to participate whether or not you download any of these scripts.)

Zoom link for Let's Make a Scene:

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/87118736788?pwd=UjArT043U3pqbFJoWFZYbi82dHArZz09

Here is the Facebook event link:

And here is the script pasted:

We look forward to seeing you Tuesday Nov 28 at 7:30 EST!

CAST of Characters:

DUKE SENIOR: Living in banishment

DUKE FREDERICK: Duke Senior’s brother, and usurper of

his dominions

ROSALIND: Daughter to the banished Duke Senior

CELIA: Rosalind’s cousin, daughter to Duke Frederick

AMIENS

JAQUES/  Lords attending the banished Duke

OLIVER

ORLANDO  /Sons of Sir Rowland de Boys

TOUCHSTONE: A clown

CORIN: A shepherd

SILVIUS: A young shepherd in love

AUDREY: A goatkeeper

PHEBE: A shepherdess

HYMEN: Goddess of Marriage

 

Scene 1. (Act I, Scene III)

A room in Duke Frederick’s palace.

NARRATOR 

Our play begins in the court of the hateful Duke Frederick, who has banished his brother, the former Duke Senior, to the forest of Arden, and now banishes his niece Rosalind as well. Rosalind and her cousin, Duke Frederick’s daughter Celia, devise a plan to escape to the forest together. 

CELIA

Why, cousin Rosalind! Is it

possible, on such a sudden, you should fall into so

strong a liking with old Sir Rowland's youngest son?

ROSALIND

The duke my father loved his father dearly.

CELIA

Doth it therefore ensue that you should love his son

dearly?  

ROSALIND

Let me love him for that, and do you love him

because I do. Look, here comes the duke.

CELIA

With his eyes full of anger.

DUKE FREDERICK

Mistress, dispatch you with your safest haste

And get you from our court.

ROSALIND

Me, uncle?

DUKE FREDERICK

You, cousin

Within these ten days if that thou be'st found          

So near our public court as twenty miles,

Thou diest for it.

ROSALIND

I do beseech your grace,

Let me the knowledge of my fault bear with me.

DUKE FREDERICK

Thou art thy father's daughter; there's enough

CELIA

If she be a traitor, why so am I.

Pronounce that sentence then on me, my liege:

I cannot live out of her company.

DUKE FREDERICK (to Celia)

You are a fool. (to Rosalind)  You, niece, if you outstay the time, upon mine honor,

And in the greatness of my word, you die.

CELIA

O my poor Rosalind, whither wilt thou go?

Wilt thou change fathers?  I will give thee mine.

Let my father seek another heir.

Therefore devise with me how we may fly,

I'll go along with thee.

ROSALIND

Why, whither shall we go?

CELIA 

To seek my uncle in the forest of Arden.

ROSALIND 

Alas, what danger will it be to us,

Maids as we are, to travel forth so far!

Beauty provoketh thieves sooner than gold.

Were it not better,

That I did suit me all points like a man?

We'll have a swashing and a martial outside,

As many other mannish cowards have

That do outface it with their semblances.

CELIA

What shall I call thee when thou art a man? 

ROSALIND  

I'll have no worse a name than Jove's own page;

And therefore look you call me Ganymede.

But what will you be call'd?

CELIA  

Something that hath a reference to my state

No longer Celia, but Aliena. 

ROSALIND  

But, cousin, what if we assay'd to steal

The clownish fool out of your father's court?

Would he not be a comfort to our travel?

CELIA 

He'll go along o'er the wide world with me.

Leave me alone to woo him. Let's away.    

 

Scene 2. (Act II, Scene I)[LG1]

The Forest of Arden.

NARRATOR from 

In the Forest of Arden, Duke Senior and his exiled Lords make the best of their life in the woods, 

where they meet Orlando, who himself has been cast out by his older brother Oliver. 

DUKE SENIOR

Now, my co-mates and brothers in exile,

Are not these woods

More free from peril than the envious court?

Sweet are the uses of adversity,

Which finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks,

Sermons in stones, and good in every thing. 

AMIENS 

Happy is your grace,

That can translate the stubbornness of fortune

Into so quiet and so sweet a style. 

DUKE SENIOR

Why, how now, monsieur Jaques! What, you look merrily!

JAQUES

A fool, a fool!  I met a fool i' the forest,

A motley fool; 

a miserable world!

O that I were a fool!

I must have liberty as the wind,

To blow on whom I please; 

for so fools have;

But who comes here? 

ORLANDO.

Forbear, and eat no more.

JAQUES 

Why, I have eat none yet. 

DUKE SENIOR

What would you have?  

ORLANDO  

I almost die for food; and let me have it.

DUKE SENIOR  

Sit down and feed, and welcome to our table.

ORLANDO

Speak you so gently?  )

Pardon me, I pray you:

I thought that all things had been savage here;       

If ever you have look'd on better days,

If ever from your eyelids wiped a tear

Let gentleness my strong enforcement be:

In the which hope I blush, and hide my sword. 

DUKE SENIOR

True is it that we have seen better days.

ORLANDO

Then but forbear your food a little while,

Whiles, like a doe, I go to find my fawn.

DUKE SENIOR (to Jaques)

Thou seest we are not all alone unhappy:

This wide and universal theatre

Presents more woeful pageants than the scene

Wherein we play in.

JAQUES 

All the world's a stage,

And all the men and women merely players: 

They have their exits and their entrances;  

And one man in his time plays many parts,

Last scene of all,

That ends this strange eventful history,

Is second childishness and mere oblivion,

Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything. 

DUKE SENIOR 

Give us some music; and, good cousin, sing.

SONG [sung as they exit]

Blow, blow, thou winter wind.

Thou art not so unkind

As man's ingratitude;

Thy tooth is not so keen,

Because thou art not seen,

Although thy breath be rude.

Heigh-ho! Sing, heigh-ho! Unto the green holly:

Most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly:   

Then, heigh-ho, the holly!

This life is most jolly.

Heigh-ho! 

 

Scene 3 (Act III, Scene II)

NARRATOR 

Orlando hangs love notes for Rosalind in the forest. Rosalind, as Ganymede, and Celia, as Aliena,[LG2] discover the love notes and meet the lovestruck Orlando.

.

[ORLANDO hangs a piece of paper on tree.]

ORLANDO

Hang there, my verse, in witness of my love:

O Rosalind! These trees shall be my books

Run, run, Orlando; carve on every tree

The fair, the chaste and unexpressive she. 

[Enter ROSALIND with a paper, reading].

ROSALIND

From the east to western Ind,

No jewel is like Rosalind.

Let no fair be kept in mind

But the fair of Rosalind.

TOUCHSTONE 

If a hart do lack a hind,

Let him seek out Rosalind.

Sweetest nut hath sourest rind,

Such a nut is Rosalind.   

He that sweetest rose will find

Must find love's prick and Rosalind. 

ROSALIND

Peace, you dull fool! Here comes my sister, reading: stand aside.

Enter Celia from stage right, reading.

CELIA

Nature presently distilled

Helen’s cheek, but not her heart,

Cleopatra’s majesty,

Atalanta’s better part,

Sad Lucretia’s modesty.

Rosalind of many parts

Of many faces, eyes and hearts,    

Heaven would that she these gifts should have,

And I to live and die her slave.

[to Corin and Touchstone]

How now! Back, friends! Shepherd, go off a little.

Go with him, sirrah.

TOUCHSTONE

Come, shepherd, let us make an honorable retreat.

CELIA

Dids’t thou hear without wondering how thy

name should be hanged and carved upon these trees?

Trow you who hath done this? 

ROSALIND

I prithee now 

tell me who it is.

CELIA

O wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful

wonderful! And yet again wonderful, and after that,  

out of all hooping!

ROSALIND

I prithee take the cork out of thy mouth, that I may drink thy tidings.

CELIA

So you may put a man in your belly. 

It is young Orlando.

ROSALIND

Orlando?

CELIA

Orlando. 

ROSALIND

Alas the day! What shall I do with my doublet and

hose? What did he when thou sawest him? What said

he? How looked he? Did he ask for me? Where remains he?

and when shalt thou see   

him again? Answer me in one word.

CELIA

You must borrow me Gargantua’s mouth first—

ROSALIND

But doth he know that I am in this forest and in

man's apparel? Sweet, say on.

CELIA

I found him under a tree like a dropped acorn.

Soft! Comes he not here?

ROSALIND

'Tis he: slink by, and note him.

[Aside to CELIA] I will speak to him, like a saucy  

lackey and under that habit play the knave with him.

Enter ORLANDO.

ROSALIND [She speaks in a low, mannish tone.]

ROSALIND

Do you hear, forester?

ORLANDO

Very well: what would you?

ROSALIND

There is a man haunts the forest, that

abuses our young plants with carving “Rosalind” on   

their barks; if I could meet that fancy-monger I would

give him some good counsel, for he seems to have the

quotidian of love upon him.

ORLANDO

I am he that is so love-shaked: I pray you tell me

your remedy.

ROSALIND

Love is merely a madness, 

Yet I profess curing it by counsel.   

ORLANDO

Did you ever cure any so?

ROSALIND

Yes, one, and in this manner. He was to imagine me

his love, his mistress; and I set him every day to

woo me, and thus I cured him. 

ORLANDO 

I would not be cured, youth.   

ROSALIND 

I would cure you, if you would but call me Rosalind

and come every day to my cote and woo me. 

ORLANDO 

With all my heart, good youth.

ROSALIND

Nay you must call me Rosalind. Come, sister, will

you go?    

.

            

Scene 4 (Act III, Scene III)[LG3][LG4]

NARRATOR

Touchstone has a strong attraction to the simple goatherder Audrey, who does not seem to understand his witticisms very well.

TOUCHSTONE

Come apace, good Audrey. I will fetch up your goats, Audrey. 

And, how now, Audrey. Am I the man yet? Doth my simple feature content you? 

AUDREY 

Your features, Lord warrant us!

What features?

TOUCHSTONE)

I am here with thee and thy goats, as the most capricious poet, honest Ovid, was among the Goths. 

Truly, I would the gods had made thee poetical.

AUDREY

I do not know what “poetical” is. Is it honest in deed and word? Is it a true thing?

TOUCHSTONE 

No, truly, for the truest poetry is the most feigning, and lovers are given to poetry

AUDREY

Would you not have me honest?

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, and to cast away honesty upon a foul slut were to put good meat into an unclean dish

AUDREY

I am not a slut, although I thank the gods I am foul (thinks she is flattering herself, not knowing the meaning of the words she speaks

TOUCHSTONE

Well, praised be the gods for thy foulness; sluttishness may come hereafter. But be it as it may be, I will marry thee. 

AUDREY

Well, the gods give us joy

TOUCHSTONE

Come, sweet Audrey. We must be married, or we must live in bawdry. 

 

Scene 5 (Act III, Scene V)[LG5]

Another part of the forest.

NARRATOR 

Silvius, a lovestruck shepherd, vainly woos the scornful Phebe, who falls for Rosalind (as Ganymede)[LG6]. Nothing is simple in love!

SILVIUS

Sweet Phebe, do not scorn me

If ever you meet in some fresh cheek

the power of fancy,

Then shall you know the wounds invisible   

That love's keen arrows make.

PHEBE 

But till that time

Come not thou near me: and when that time comes,

Afflict me with thy mocks, pity me not;

As till that time I shall not pity thee.

ROSALIND)

And why, I pray you? What though you have no beauty,--

Must you be therefore proud and pitiless? 

Why, what means this? Why do you look on me?[(to Celia] I think she means to tangle my eyes too! 

No, faith, proud mistress, hope not after it. 

[to Silvius] You foolish shepherd, wherefore do you follow her,

Like foggy south puffing with wind and rain?

'tis such fools as you

That makes the world full of ill-favor'd children:

[to Phebe] Mistress, sell when you can: you are not for all markets:    

Cry the man mercy; love him; take his offer:

Foul is most foul, being foul to be a scoffer.

So take her to thee, shepherd: fare you well

PHEBE

Sweet youth, I pray you, chide a year together:

I had rather hear you chide than this man woo.

ROSALIND [to Phebe]

He's fallen in love with your foulness 

[to Celia]and she'll fall in love with my anger. I'll sauce her

with bitter words. [to Phebe] Why look you so upon me?    

I pray you, do not fall in love with me,

For I am falser than vows made in wine:

Besides, I like you not. 

[to Silvius]Shepherd, ply her hard

PHEBE 

“Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?”

SILVIUS 

Sweet Phebe,—

PHEBE)

Ha, what say'st thou, Silvius?

SILVIUS 

I would have you.

PHEBE 

Silvius, the time was that I hated thee,

But since that thou canst talk of love so well,

Thy company, I will endure. 

SILVIUS

Loose now and then

A scatter'd smile, and that I'll live upon.

PHEBE 

Know'st now the youth that spoke to me erewhile?

SILVIUS

Not very well, but I have met him oft;

PHEBE

Think not I love him, though I ask for him:

There was a pretty redness in his lip,

The best thing in him is his complexion.

I love him not nor hate him not; (angering a bit)

and yet I have more cause to hate him than to love him:

For what had he to do to chide at me?

I will be bitter with him and passing short.

Go with me, Silvius. 

SILVIUS Phebe, with all my heart!

.

 

Scene 6 (Act V, Scene II)[LG7]

The forest.

NARRATOR 

Oliver, having reconciled with his brother Orlando, tells of his love for Aliena. Meanwhile, Rosalind assures Orlando, Silvius, and Phebe that she can solve all of their love woes, and that they will all be married the next day.

ORLANDO

Is't possible that on so little acquaintance you

should like her? That but seeing you should love

her? And loving woo? And, wooing, she should

grant? And will you persever to enjoy her?

OLIVER

Neither call the giddiness of it in question, my sudden

wooing, nor her sudden consenting; 

I love Aliena; 

consent with both that we may enjoy each other: it

shall be to your good; for my father's house and all  

the revenue that was old Sir Rowland's will I

estate upon you, and here live and die a shepherd. 

ORLANDO 

You have my consent. Let your wedding be to-morrow:

 Go you and prepare Aliena. 

ROSALIND 

O, my dear Orlando. 

Your brother and my sister no sooner

met but they looked, no sooner looked but they

they made a pair of stairs

to marriage. They are in the very wrath of love

and they will together;

clubs cannot part them.   

ORLANDO

They shall be married to-morrow, Ganymede. [turns toward her]

But, O, how bitter a thing it

is to look into happiness through another man's

eyes!

ROSALIND

Why then, to-morrow I cannot serve your turn for

Rosalind? 

ORLANDO

I can live no longer by thinking.

ROSALIND 

Believe then, if

you please, that I can do strange things: I have,

since I was three year old, conversed with a

magician. If you do love Rosalind so near the heart

as your gesture cries it out, when your brother

marries Aliena, shall you marry her.

Look, here comes a lover of mine and a lover of hers.

PHEBE [to Rosalind]

Youth, you have done me much ungentleness.

ROSALIND

You are there followed by a faithful shepherd;

Look upon him, love him; he worships you. 

PHEBE

Good shepherd, tell this youth what 'tis to love.

SILVIUS

It is to be all made of sighs and tears;

And so am I for Phebe.

PHEBE

And I for Ganymede. 

ORLANDO

And I for Rosalind.

ROSALIND

And I for no woman. 

SILVIUS

It is to be all made of faith and service;

And so am I for Phebe.

PHEBE

And I for Ganymede.

ORLANDO

And I for Rosalind.  

ROSALIND

And I for no woman.

SILVIUS

It is to be all made of fantasy,

All made of passion and all made of wishes,

And so am I for Phebe.

PHEBE

And so am I for Ganymede.

ORLANDO

And so am I for Rosalind.

ROSALIND

And so am I for no woman.    

Pray you, no more of this; 'tis like the howling

of Irish wolves against the moon.

[to SILVIUS]

I will help you, if I can:

[to PHEBE]

I would love you, if I could. To-morrow meet me all

together.  

[to PHEBE]

I will marry you, if ever I marry woman, and I'll be

married to-morrow:

[to ORLANDO, passionately]

I will satisfy you, if ever I satisfied man, and you

shall be married to-morrow:

[to SILVIUS]

I will content you, if what pleases you contents

you, and you shall be married to-morrow.

 

 

Scene 7. (Act V, Scene IV)[LG8]

The forest.

NARRATOR

The Goddess of Marriage, Hymen, arrives to bring the lovers together and the comedy to a merry ending..

DUKE SENIOR

Dost thou believe, Orlando, that the boy

Can do all this that he hath promised?

ORLANDO

I sometimes do believe, and sometimes do not;

As those that fear they hope, and know they fear.

HYMEN 

With great importance and Godliness

Then is there mirth in heaven,

When earthly things made even

Atone together.

Good duke, receive thy daughter

Hymen from heaven brought her,

That thou mightst join her hand with his    

Whose heart within his bosom is.

ROSALIND

[to ORLANDO]

To you I give myself, for I am yours.

DUKE SENIOR

If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.

ORLANDO

If there be truth in sight, you are my Rosalind.

PHEBE [to Rosalind]

If sight and shape be true,

Why then, my love adieu!

HYMEN

Peace, ho! I bar confusion:

'Tis I must make conclusion

Of these most strange events:

Here's eight that must take hands

To join in Hymen's bands,

If truth holds true contents.

Whiles a wedlock-hymn we sing,

Feed yourselves with questioning;

That reason wonder may diminish,

How thus we met, and these things finish.

DUKE SENIOR

Proceed, proceed: we will begin these rites,

As we do trust they'll end, in true delights.

 

[Readers each read one line of the song]

It was a lover and his lass

With a hey, and a ho, and a hey-nonny-no,

That o’er the green cornfield did pass

In springtime, the only pretty ring time,

When birds do sing, hey ding a ding, ding.

Sweet lovers love the spring.

And therefore take the present time,

With a hey, and a ho, and a hey-nonny no,

For love is crowned with the prime,

In springtime, the only pretty ring time,

When birds do sing, hey ding a ding, ding.

Sweet lovers love the spring.

THE END!