Greetings! It’s time for our monthly Let’s Make a Scene with The 30-Minute Shakespeare!
Monday, Dec 2nd, 2025 from 7:30 to 8:30 PM EST.
This month we will be round-robin reading The Merry Wives of Windsor: the 30-Minute Shakespeare over Zoom.
No experience necessary!
You get to play the fat knight Falstaff as he bumbles his way through attempted seduction of Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, who arrange his animalistic comeuppance in the forest.
You can play the irrepressible Mistress Quickly, the happily drunk Bardolph, the malapropistic French Dr. Caius and any of the myriad merry characters in Shakespeare’s only true domestic comedy.
I'm attaching the scripts here.
(We don't read the stage directions, but they can inform your acting choices!)
Here they are in Word and PDF WITH stage directions. (Download at the little blue links):
Merry Wives Script Microsoft Word:
Merry Wives Script PDF :
I will paste the Text of the script at the bottom.
All participants receive a Free PDF of The Merry Wives of Windsor: The 30-Minute Shakespeare
Here is the Zoom link for the event:
https://us02web.zoom.us/j/82636347654
Best to download the script and print it out or read it on a tablet.
Here is the Facebook event link:
https://www.facebook.com/share/1Eugaiwt2K/
Play on!
****
Characters in the Play
Sir John Falstaff: A knight
Mistress Alice Ford
Mistress Margaret Page
Pistol, Nym, Bardolph: Followers of Falstaff
Host of the Garter Inn
Master Francis Ford:
Master George Page: Gentlemen of Windsor
Dr. Caius:: A French physician
Sir Hugh Evans: A Welsh parson
Mistress Quickly: Servant to Dr. Caius
Robin: Page to Falstaff
Servants, Narrators
Scene 1. (Act I Scene III)
The tavern at the Garter Inn.
Narrator
We open at the Garter Inn, run by its gregarious host. The fat knight, Sir John Falstaff, is accompanied by Pistol, Nym, Bardolph, and Robin, his band of rogues and thieves. Falstaff hatches a plot to woo Mistress Page and Mistress Ford simultaneously.
Falstaff (bangs a mug on the table)
Mine host of the garter!
Host
What says my bullyrook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
Falstaff
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
Host
Discard, bully Hercules: cashier. Let them wag: trot, trot!
Falstaff (looks despondently in his purse)
I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host
Thou’rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I will entertain Bardolph: he shall draw, he shall tap.
Host
I have spoke: let him follow. (to BARDOLPH) Let me see thee froth and lime. I am at a word: follow.
Falstaff
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade. Go; adieu.
Bardolph
It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive!
Pistol
O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot wield?
Nym
He was gotten in drink: is not the humor conceited? (laughs a funny laugh)
Falstaff
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox. His thefts were too open. I am almost out at heels.
Pistol
Why, then, let kibes ensue. (PISTOL and NYM laugh hysterically)
Falstaff
There is no remedy: I must cony-catch, I must Shiff
Pistol
Young ravens must have food.
Falstaff
Which of you know Ford of this town?
Pistol
I ken the wight: he is of substance good.
Falstaff
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
Pistol
Two yards and more.
PISTOL and NYM laugh. NYM continues until he looks around and
realizes he is the only one laughing. He stops abruptly.
Falstaff
No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste: I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her: she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation.
Nym
The anchor is deep: Will that humor pass?
Falstaff
Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse: he hath a legion of angels. (looks heavenward in anticipation of riches)
Pistol
As many devils entertain; (leaping to his feet) and “To her, boy,” say I.
Nym (leaping to his feet) The humor rises; it is good. Humor me the angels.
Falstaff
I have writ me here a letter to her: and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades. Sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.
Pistol
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
Nym
I thank thee for that humor.
Falstaff
Here’s another letter to her: she bears the purse too. She is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me, (draws the men to either side of him, arms around them) They shall be my East and West Indies and I will trade to them both.
(to NYM) Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; (to PISTOL) and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive! (tries to hand them the letters, but they both turn away)
Pistol (draws away indignantly)
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become And by my side wear steel? Then, Lucifer take all! (hands the letter back gruffly)
Nym
I will run no base humor. Here, take the humorletter: I will keep the havior of reputation. (hands the letter back)
Falstaff (turns to ROBIN) Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly.
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores!
(hands him the letters) (turns angrily toward PISTOL and NYM; rises and draws himself up powerfully)
Falstaff (continues) Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go!
Trudge, plod away o’ the hoof; seek shelter, pack Falstaff will learn the humor of the age, French thrift, you rogues: myself and skirted page.
Pistol
Let vultures gripe thy guts! Base Phrygian Turk!
Nym
I have operations which be humors of revenge.
Pistol
Wilt thou revenge?
Nym
With both the humors, I. I will discuss the humor of this love to Page.
Pistol
And I to Ford shall eke unfold how Falstaff, varlet vile, his dove will prove, his gold will hold, and his soft couch defile.
Nym
My humor shall not cool. I will incense Page to deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: that is my true humor.
Pistol
Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second thee: troop on!
Scene II (Act III, Scene III)
A laundry room in the Ford household.
Narrator
Mistress Ford and Mistress Page are having some fun leading Falstaff on. This throws Master Ford into a jealous rage. Accompanied by his friend Master Page and those manglers of the English language, the Welsh parson Sir Hugh Evans and the French Doctor Caius, he attempts to discover Falstaff in the process of wooing these women.
Mistress Ford (looks under the table for the basket, which
is not there; she is a little frustrated and
somewhat panicked)
What, John! What, Robert!
Mistress Page (also in somewhat of a panic)
Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket—
Mistress Ford
I warrant. What, Robert, I say!
Here, set it down. John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.
Mistress Page
You will do it?
Here comes little Robin.
Robin
Mistress Ford!
Mistress Ford
Robin, My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
Mistress Page
I’ll go hide me.
Mistress Ford (to ROBIN)
Go tell thy master I am alone.
Mistress Ford
Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
Mistress Page (poking her head out from behind curtain)
I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.
(demonstrates with a hissing sound)
Mistress Ford
Go to, then: we’ll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery pumpion; we’ll teach him to know turtles from jays.
Enter FALSTAFF swaggering lasciviously.
Falstaff
Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!
MISTRESS FORD stands and casts a glance at the curtain behind her. MISTRESS PAGE sticks her head out and they both giggle.
Mistress Ford
O sweet Sir John!
Falstaff
Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, I would make thee my lady.
Mistress Ford
I your lady, Sir John! Alas, I should be a pitiful lady!
Falstaff
Let the court of France show me such another.
I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond, and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale.
Mistress Ford
(moves to table and sits on it seductively with
her legs crossed)
Believe me, there is no such thing in me.
Falstaff
What made me love thee? let that persuade thee there’s something extraordinary in thee. I love thee; none but thee; and thou deservest it.
Mistress Ford
Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.
Falstaff
Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln.
Mistress Ford
Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one day find it.
Falstaff
Keep in that mind; I’ll deserve it.
Robin
Mistress Ford! Mistress Ford! Here’s Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
Falstaff
She shall not see me. (hides)
MISTRESS PAGE enters stage left.
Mistress Ford (acting surprised)
What’s the matter? How now?
Mistress Page (overacting)
O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed, you’re overthrown, you’re undone for ever!
Mistress Ford
Why, alas, what’s the matter?
Mistress Page
Your husband’s coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house by your consent: you are undone. If you have a friend here convey, convey him out. Defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.
(can hardly keep from laughing but continue their dialogue)
Mistress Ford
What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril.
Mistress Page
Bethink you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot hide him. Look, here is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him—send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.
MISTRESS FORD whistles and SERVANTS enter from stage right,
Mistress Ford
He’s too big to go in there. What shall I do?
Falstaff (coming forward)
Let me see’t, let me see’t, O, let me see’t! I’ll in, I’ll in. (gets in the basket)
Falstaff: (voice becomes muffled as SERVANTS cover him with
dirty laundry)
I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here. I’ll never mmmphmmggg . . .
Mistress Ford (to SERVANTS)
Go take up these clothes here quickly.
SERVANTS move in opposite directions, one going stage left and the other upstage.
Look, how you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet-mead; quickly, come.
SERVANTS start to exit stage left, pulling and pushing FALSTAFF
in the basket.
Enter FORD, PAGE , SIR HUGH EVANS, and DOCTOR CAIUS
SERVANTS freeze.
Ford (to his group)
Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest; I deserve it. (to SERVANTS) How now! Whither bear you this?
Servant
To the laundress, forsooth.
Mistress Ford (a little nervous)
Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.
Ford (sniffing around angrily like a mad hound dog)
Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear. (to his group) Search, seek, find out: I’ll warrant we’ll unkennel the fox. You shall see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.
Sir Hugh Evans
This is fery fantastical humors and jealousies.
Doctor Caius
By gar, ’tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous in France
Page
Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.
Exit PAGE , SIR HUGH EVANS, and DOCTOR CAIUS
Mistress Page (laughing with MISTRESS FORD)
Is there not a double excellency in this?
Mistress Ford
I know not which pleases me better; that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.
Enter FORD, PAGE , SIR HUGH EVANS, and DOCTOR
Ford
I cannot find him.
Doctor Caius
By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.
Page
Fie, fie, Master Ford! Are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination?
Ford
’Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.
Sir Hugh Evans
You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as honest a ’omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too.
Doctor Caius
By gar, I see ’tis an honest woman.
Ford (embarrassed
I pray you, pardon me. Come, wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me.
Page
Let’s go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we’ll mock him. Shall it be so?
Sir Hugh Evans
If there is one, I shall make two in the company.
Doctor Caius
If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.
Sir Hugh Evans
I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy knave. A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!
Exit ALL
Scene 3. (Act V, Scene V)
Windsor Forest.
Narrator
The Merry Wives have convinced Falstaff to dress up as Herne the Hunter, a folk hero who has antlers on his head. They promise to meet him in the woods, where many of our players have disguised themselves as fairies to have their comeuppance on the fat fool Falstaff.
Falstaff
The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute draws on. Now, the hot-blooded gods assist me! O powerful love! That, in some respects, makes a beast a man, in some other, a man a beast. O omnipotent Love! For me, I am here a Windsor stag; and the fattest, I think, i’ the forest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow? Who comes here? My doe?
Enter MISTRESS FORD
Mistress Ford
Sir John! Art thou there, my deer? My male deer? (caresses his antlers)
Falstaff
My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain potatoes; let there come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here.
Mistress Ford
Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE stage left. She and MISTRESS FORD place themselves on either side of FALSTAFF, and he puts his arms
around them. It is his great moment of pleasure!
Falstaff
Divide me like a bribe buck, each a haunch: Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the hunter? As I am a true spirit, welcome!
drumbeats
Mistress Page
Alas, what noise?
Mistress Ford
Heaven forgive our sins
Falstaff
What should this be?
Mistress Ford AND Mistress page
Away, away!
Mistress Quickly
Fairies, black, grey, green, and white, You moonshine revellers and shades of night, You orphan heirs of fixed destiny, Attend your office and your quality.
Falstaff
They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die: I’ll wink and couch: no man their works must eye.
Mistress Quickly
About, about; Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out: And “Honi soit qui mal y pense” write In emerald tufts, flowers purple, blue and white; Our dance of custom round about the oak Of Herne the hunter, let us not forget.
Sir Hugh Evans
Pray you, lock hand in hand; (ALL join hands and start to circle around FALSTAFF) yourselves in order set And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be, To guide our measure round about the tree. But, stay; I smell a man of middle-earth.
Falstaff
Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest he transform me to a piece of cheese!
Pistol (lunging at him)
Vile worm, thou wast o’erlook’d even in thy birth.
Mistress Quickly
With trial-fire touch me his finger-end:If he be chaste, the flame will back descend And turn him to no pain; but if he start, It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.
Pistol
A trial, come.
ALL lunge at FALSTAFF, fiercely yelling,
Aaaaaah!
Falstaff
Oh, Oh, Oh!
Mistress Quickly
Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire! About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme; And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.
In the song that follows, characters sing individual lines. On bold words, ALL sing and point at FALSTAFF.
Mistress Quickly
Fie on sinful fantasy! Fie on lust and luxury!
Ford
Lust is but a bloody fire, Kindled with unchaste desire,
Servant
Fed in heart, whose flames aspire As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher.
Dr. Caius
Pinch him, fairies, mutually; Pinch him for his villany;
Sir Hugh Evans
Pinch him, and burn him, and turn him about, Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out!
ALL lunge at FALSTAFF, yelling “Aaaaaah!”
until he is shivering, cringing, and near tears.
Mistress Page (taking pity and compassion on him)
I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.
(takes off her mask)
Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?
Ford (takes off his mask)
Now, sir, who’s a cuckold now? Falstaff’s a knave, a
Cuckoldly knave; here are his horns, he hath enjoyed
nothing of Ford’s but his buck-basket!
Mistress Ford (takes off her mask)
Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could never meet. I will never take you for my love again; but I will always count you my deer.
Falstaff
I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.
Ford
Ay, and an ox too: both the proofs are extant.
Falstaff
And these are not fairies?
(FAIRIES remove their masks and laugh) Well, I am your theme: you have the start of me; I am dejected; use me as you will.
(bows his head in shame and humility)
Page (helps him up)
Yet be cheerful, knight: thou shalt eat a posset tonight at my house; where I will desire thee to laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee.
Ford
Stand not amazed; here is no remedy: In love the heavens themselves do guide the state; Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.
Falstaff
I am glad, though you have ta’en a special stand to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanced.
Mistress Page
Well, I will muse no further.Heaven give you many, many merry days! Good husband, let us every one go home, And laugh this sport o’er by a country fire; Sir John and all. (laughs as others join in)
All hold hands and take a bow!