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A Midsummer Night’s Dream: The 30-Minute Shakespeare

 

SCENE 1 (ACT III, SCENE II).

 

NARRATOR  

In the woods outside of Athens, Oberon, the king of the fairies, and Puck, a hobgoblin in Oberon’s service are wreaking havoc on the love lives of our characters by anointing their eyes with love juice, sometimes with unexpected consequences!

OBERON
I wonder if Titania be awaked;
Then, what it was that next came in her eye,
Which she must dote on in extremity.-
Here comes my messenger.
            [Enter PUCK]
How now, mad spirit!
What night-rule now about this haunted grove?

 

PUCK

My mistress with a monster is in love. 
A crew of patches, rude mechanicals,
Were met together to rehearse a play,
The shallowest thickskin of that barren sort,
An ass’s nole I fixed on his head:
So, at his sight, away his fellows fly;
When in that moment,—so it came to pass,—
Titania waked, and straightway loved an ass.

 

OBERON

This falls out better than I could devise.
But hast thou yet latch’d the Athenian’s eyes
With the love-juice, as I did bid thee do?

 

PUCK
I took him sleeping,—that is finish’d too,—
And the Athenian woman by his side;
That, when he waked, of force she must be eyed.

 

[Enter HERMIA and DEMETRIUS]. 

 

OBERON

Stand close: this is the same Athenian. 

 

PUCK

This is the woman, but not this the man.

 

DEMETRIUS
O, why rebuke you him that loves you so?

 

HERMIA
For thou, I fear, hast given me cause to curse.
If thou hast slain Lysander in his sleep,
See me no more, whether he be dead or no.

 

DEMETRIUS
There is no following her in this fierce vein:
Here therefore for a while I will remain.
            

OBERON
What hast thou done? thou hast mistaken quite,
And laid the love-juice on some true-love’s sight:
About the wood go swifter than the wind,
And Helena of Athens look thou find:
By some illusion see thou bring her here:
I’ll charm his eyes against she do appear.

 

PUCK
I go, I go; look how I go,
Swifter than arrow from the Tartar’s bow.

 

OBERON Flower of this purple dye,
Hit with Cupid’s archery,

            Sink in apple of his eye!
When his love he doth espy,
Let her shine as gloriously
As the Venus of the sky. 

 

PUCK 
Captain of our fairy band,
Helena is here at hand;
And the youth, mistook by me,
Pleading for a lover’s fee.
Shall we their fond pageant see?
Lord, what fools these mortals be!

LYSANDER
Why should you think that I should woo in scorn?
Scorn and derision never come in tears:
Look, when I vow, I weep.

 

HELENA
You do advance your cunning more and more.
When truth kills truth, O devilish-holy fray!
These vows are Hermia’s: will you give her o’er?

 

LYSANDER
I had no judgment when to her I swore.
Demetrius loves her, and he loves not you.

 

DEMETRIUS [awaking;]
O Helen, goddess, nymph, perfect, divine!
Thy lips, those kissing cherries, tempting grow!
O, let me kiss
This princess of pure white, this seal of bliss! 
            

HELENA

O spite! O hell! I see you all are bent
To set against me for your merriment:
You both are rivals, and love Hermia;
And now both rivals, to mock Helena. 
            

LYSANDER
You are unkind, Demetrius; be not so;
For you love Hermia;- this you know I know:

 

DEMETRIUS
Lysander, keep thy Hermia; I will none:
If e’er I lov’d her, all that love is gone.

 

DEMETRIUS [to Lysander]
Look, where thy love comes; yonder is thy dear.

 

HERMIA
Lysander, found; 
Mine ear, I thank it, brought me to thy sound.
But why unkindly didst thou leave me so?

 

LYSANDER
Why should he stay, whom love doth press to go?

 

HERMIA 
What love could press Lysander from my side?

 

LYSANDER 
Lysander’s love, that would not let him bide,- 
Fair Helena; who more engilds the night
Than all yon fiery O’s and eyes of light.
[to Hermia] Why seek’st thou me? could not this make thee know,
The hate I bear thee made me leave thee so?

 

HERMIA 
You speak not as you think: it cannot be.

 

HELENA
Lo, she is one of this confederacy!
Now I perceive they have conjoin’d all three
To fashion this false sport in spite of me.
Injurious Hermia! most ungrateful maid!
Have you conspired, have you with these contrived
To bait me with this foul derision?

 

HERMIA 

I am amazed at your passionate words.
I scorn you not: it seems that you scorn me.

 

HELENA
Have you not set Lysander, as in scorn,
To follow me, and praise my eyes and face?
And made your other love, Demetrius—
Who even but now did spurn me with his foot—
To call me goddess, nymph, divine, and rare.

 

LYSANDER
Stay, gentle Helena; hear my excuse:
My love, my life, my soul, fair Helena!

 

HELENA
O excellent!

 

HERMIA [to Lysander]
Sweet, do not scorn her so.

 

LYSANDER)
Helen, I love thee; by my life, I do. 

 

DEMETRIUS 

I say I love thee more than he can do.

 

LYSANDER 
If thou say so, withdraw, and prove it too.   

.

DEMETRIUS
Quick, come!

 

HERMIA
Lysander, whereto tends all this? 

 

LYSANDER [to Hermia]
Hang off, thou cat, thou burr! vile thing, let loose,
Or I will shake thee from me like a serpent! 

 

HERMIA
Am not I Hermia? are not you Lysander?
I am as fair now as I was erewhile.
Since night you loved me; yet since night you left me:

 

LYSANDER
Ay, by my life;
And never did desire to see thee more.
Be certain, nothing truer; ‘tis no jest
That I do hate thee, and love Helena.

 

HERMIA [to Helena]
O me!— you juggler! you canker-blossom!
You thief of love! what, have you come by night
And stol’n my love’s heart from him?

 

HELENA 
Fie, fie! you counterfeit, you puppet, you!

 

HERMIA
Puppet! why, so; ay, that way goes the game.
Now I perceive that she hath made compare
Between our statures; she hath urged her height;
And are you grown so high in his esteem,
Because I am so dwarfish and so low?
How low am I, thou painted maypole? Speak;
How low am I? I am not yet so low
But that my nails can reach unto thine eyes. 

 

HELENA

 I pray you, though you mock me, gentlemen,
Let her not hurt me: 
You perhaps may think,
Because she is something lower than myself,
That I can match her.

 

HERMIA
Lower! hark, again.

 

HELENA
O, when she’s angry, she is keen and shrewd!
And though she be but little, she is fierce.

 

HERMIA

Little again! Let me come to her. 
            

LYSANDER

Get you gone, you dwarf;
You minimus, of hind’ring knot-grass made;
You bead, you acorn.

 

LYSANDER [to Demetrius]
Now follow, if thou darest, to try whose right,
Of thine or mine, is most in Helena.

 

DEMETRIUS
Follow! nay, I’ll go with thee, cheek by jowl.

 

HELENA
Your hands than mine are quicker for a fray;
My legs are longer though, to run away. 

 

HERMIA
I am amazed, and know not what to say.

 

OBERON
This is thy negligence. 

 

PUCK
Believe me, king of shadows, I mistook.

 

OBERON
Thou see’st these lovers seek a place to fight:
Hie therefore, Robin, overcast the night;
Then crush this herb into Lysander’s eye;
And make his eyeballs roll with wonted sight.
When they next wake, all this derision
Shall seem a dream and fruitless vision.

 

PUCK 
Up and down, up and down,
I will lead them up and down:
Here comes one

LYSANDER
Where art thou, proud Demetrius? speak thou now.

 

PUCK [imitating Demetrius]
Here, villain; drawn and ready. 
Follow me, then,
To plainer ground.

 

LYSANDER 
When I come where he calls,
then he is gone 

[yawns] 

Here will I rest me. 

DEMETRIUS [not seeing Lysander]
Lysander! speak again:
Thou runaway, thou coward, art thou fled?

 

PUCK
Ho, ho, ho! Coward, why comest thou not? 

 

DEMETRIUS
Thou runn’st before me, shifting every place.
Faintness constraineth me
To measure out my length on this cold bed. 
            

HELENA
O weary night, O long and tedious night,
Sleep, that sometime shuts up sorrow’s eye,
Steal me awhile from mine own company. 
            

PUCK
Yet but three? Come one more;
Two of both kinds makes up four.
Here she comes, curst and sad:-
Cupid is a knavish lad,
Thus to make poor females mad.

 

HERMIA
Never so weary, never so in woe;
I can no further crawl, no further go;
Here will I rest me till the break of day.
            

PUCK
On the ground
Sleep sound:
I’ll apply
To your eye,
Gentle lover, remedy.

            [squeezing the herb on LYSANDER’s eyelids]

 

When thou wakest,
Thou takest
True delight
In the sight
Of thy former lady’s eye

 

SCENE 2 (ACT IV, SCENE I)

 

NARRATOR 

Through magical fairie mischief, Bottom the Weaver has been transformed into an ass, and Titania, Queen of the fairies has fallen in love with him. We are still in the woods . . .

 

TITANIA)
Come, sit thee down upon this flowery bed, 
While I thy amiable cheeks do coy,
And stick musk-roses in thy sleek smooth head,
And kiss thy fair large ears, my gentle joy.

 

BOTTOM
Where’s Peas-blossom?

 

PEAS-BLOSSOM
Ready.

 

BOTTOM
Scratch my head, Peas-blossom.
Where’s Monsieur Cobweb?

 

COBWEB
Ready.

 

BOTTOM
Monsieur Cobweb, good monsieur, get your weapons in your hand, and kill me a red-hipp’d humble-bee on the top of a thistle; and, good monsieur, bring me the honey-bag.

Where’s Monsieur Mustard-Seed?

 

MUSTARD-SEED

What’s your will?

 

BOTTOM
Nothing, good monsieur, but to help Cavalery Peas-blossom to scratch.

I must to the barber’s, monsieur; for methinks I am
marvelous hairy about the face; and I am such a
tender ass, if my hair do but tickle me, I must scratch.

 

TITANIA
What, wilt thou hear some music, my sweet love?

 

BOTTOM
I have a reasonable good ear in music: let’s have the tongs and bones. 

 

[Bottom yawns]

 

 I have an exposition of sleep come upon me.

 

TITANIA
Sleep thou, and I will wind thee in my arms.-
Fairies, be gone, and be all ways away.
O, how I love thee! how I dote on thee! 

 

 

OBERON

Welcome, good Robin. See’st thou this sweet sight?
Her dotage now I do begin to pity: I will undo
This hateful imperfection of her eyes:
And, gentle Puck, take this transformed scalp
From off the head of this Athenian swain;
That he, awaking when the other do,
May all to Athens back again repair,
And think no more of this night’s accidents,
But as the fierce vexation of a dream.
But first I will release the fairy queen.
Be as thou wast wont to be

See as thou wast wont to see:
Now, my Titania: wake you, my sweet queen.

 

TITANIA 
My Oberon! what visions have I seen!
Methought I was enamour’d of an ass.

 

OBERON 
There lies your love.

 

TITANIA)
How came these things to pass?)
O, how mine eyes do loathe his visage now! 
            

OBERON
Silence awhile.—Robin, take off this head.—
Titania, music call; and strike more dead
Than common sleep of all these five the sense.

 

TITANIA
Music, ho! music, such as charmeth sleep. 

 

PUCK
Now, when thou wakest, with thine own fool’s eyes peep. 
            

TITANIA
Come, my lord; and in our flight,
Tell me how it came this night
That I sleeping here was found
With these mortals on the ground.

 

THESEUS
We will, fair queen, up to the mountain’s top,
But, soft! what nymphs are these? 
            

EGEUS
My lord, this is my daughter here asleep
And this, Lysander; this Demetrius is;
This Helena, I wonder of their being here together.

 

THESEUS 

Wake them.

 

LYSANDER
Pardon, my lord.
            

THESEUS
I pray you all, stand up.
I know you two are rival enemies: 
How comes this gentle concord in the world,
That hatred is so far from jealousy,
To sleep by hate, and fear no enmity?

 

LYSANDER
My lord, 
I cannot truly say how I came here;
I came with Hermia hither 

EGEUS

I beg the law, the law, upon his head.

 

DEMETRIUS
But, my good lord, I wot not by what power,—
But by some power it is,—my love to Hermia,
Melted as the snow,
And all the faith, the virtue of my heart,
The object, and the pleasure of mine eye,
Is only Helena. 
            

THESEUS
Fair lovers, you are fortunately met:
Egeus, I will overbear your will;
For in the temple, by and by, with us
These couples shall eternally be knit:
Away with us to Athens! three and three,
We’ll hold a feast in great solemnity.
Come, Hippolyta.

 

DEMETRIUS

Are you sure
That we are awake? It seems to me
That yet we sleep, we dream.- 
Let’s follow him;
And, by the way, let us recount our dreams.

 

BOTTOM [awaking]
I have had a most rare vision. I have had a dream,—past the wit of man to say what dream it was: man is but an ass, if he go about to expound this dream. Methought I was (and methought I had) but man is but a patch’d fool, if he will offer to say what methought I had. I will get Peter Quince to write a ballad of this dream: it shall be called Bottom’s Dream, because it hath no bottom; and I will sing it in the latter end of a play before the duke:

 

SCENE 3 (ACT V, SCENE I)

Athens. An apartment in the palace of Theseus

 

 

NARRATOR 
To complete our festive comedy, Bottom and the
“rude mechanicals” perform the merry and tragical play of Pyramus and Thisbe for Theseus and Hippolyta and our newly married lovers. The fairies bless the three marriages and all is well. But still we wonder, has this all been a dream?

 

 

THESEUS
Here come the lovers, full of joy and mirth.
Come now; what masks, what dances shall we have,
What revels are in hand? Call Philostrate.

 

PHILOSTRATE 
Here, mighty Theseus.

 

THESEUS
Say, what abridgement have you for this evening?
What mask? what music?

 

PHILOSTRATE
Make choice of which your highness will see first.

 

THESEUS [reading]
“The battle with the Centaurs, to be sung
By an Athenian eunuch to the harp.”
We’ll none of that: 
That is an old device; 
 “A tedious brief scene of young Pyramus
And his love Thisbe; very tragical mirth.”
Merry and tragical! tedious and brief!
That is, hot ice and wondrous strange snow.
How shall we find the concord of this discord?

 

PHILOSTRATE
A play there is, my lord, some ten words long,
But by ten words, my lord, it is too long,
There is not one word apt, one player fitted:

 

THESEUS
What are they that do play it?

 

PHILOSTRATE
Hard-handed men, that work in Athens here,
Which never labour’d in their minds till now;

 

THESEUS
And we will hear it.

 

PHILOSTRATE
No, my noble lord;
It is not for you: I have heard it over,
And it is nothing, nothing in the world;

 

THESEUS
I will hear that play;
For never any thing can be amiss,
When simpleness and duty tender it.
Go, bring them in:-and take your places, ladies.

 

PHILOSTRATE
So please your grace, the Prologue is address’d.

 

THESEUS
Let him approach. 

.

PROLOGUE
If we offend, it is with our good will.
That is the true beginning of our end.
The actors are at hand; and, by their show,
You shall know all that you are like to know.
            

THESEUS
This fellow doth not stand upon points.

 

LYSANDER
He hath rid his prologue like a rough colt;

 

HIPPOLYTA
Indeed he hath play’d on his prologue like a child 
on a recorder.

 

THESEUS
Who is next?

 

PROLOGUE
Gentles, perchance you wonder at this show;
But wonder on, till truth make all things plain.

 

WALL 
In this same interlude it doth befall
That I, one Snout by name, present a wall;
And such a wall, as I would have you think,
That had in it a crannied hole or chink,
Through which the lovers, Pyramus and Thisbe,
Did whisper often very secretly.

 

THESEUS
Pyramus draws near the wall: silence!

 

PYRAMUS
O grim-look’d night! O night with hue so black!
O night, which ever art when day is not!
I fear my Thisbe’s promise is forgot!—
And thou, O wall, O sweet, O lovely wall,
That stand’st between her father’s ground and mine!
Show me thy chink, to blink through with mine eyne!.
Thanks, courteous wall: Jove shield thee well for this!
But what see I? No Thisbe do I see.
O wicked wall, through whom I see no bliss!
            

THISBE
O wall, full often hast thou heard my moans,
My cherry lips have often kiss’d thy stones. 

 

PYRAMUS
I see a voice: now will I to the chink,
To spy an I can hear my Thisbe’s face.—
Thisbe!

 

THISBE
My love! thou art my love, I think.

 

PYRAMUS
O, kiss me through the hole of this vile wall!

 

THISBE
I kiss the wall’s hole, not your lips at all. 

 

PYRAMUS
Wilt thou at Ninny’s tomb meet me straightway?

 

QUINCE [exasperated] Ninus’ Tomb!

 

THISBE
‘Tide life, ‘tide death, I come without delay.

 

WALL
Thus have I, wall, my part discharged so;
And, being done, thus wall away doth go.

 

HIPPOLYTA
This is the silliest stuff that e’er I heard.

 

THESEUS
Here come two noble beasts in, a moon and a lion.

.

LION
You, ladies may now perchance both quake 
and tremble here,
When lion rough in wildest rage doth roar.
Then know that I one 
Snug the joiner am,

 

THESEUS
A very gentle beast, and of a good conscience.
Let us listen to the moon.

 

MOONSHINE
This lantern doth the horned moon present;
Myself the man-i’-th’-moon do seem to be.

 

HIPPOLYTA 
I am aweary of this moon. Would he would change.

 

LYSANDER
Proceed, moon.

 

MOONSHINE
All that I have to say is, to tell you that the lantern 
is the moon; I, the man-i’-th’-moon; this thorn-bush, my thorn-bush; and this dog, my dog.

 

DEMETRIUS
Here comes Thisbe.

 

THISBE
This is old Ninny’s tomb. 

 

QUINCE 

Ninus’ tomb, man!

 

THISBE
This is old Ninnies’ tomb!. Where is my love?

 

QUINCE, “Aarrrgh!” 

 

LION
O—

DEMETRIUS
Well roar’d, lion.

 

THESEUS
Well run, Thisbe.

 

HIPPOLYTA
Well shone, moon.

 

THESEUS
Well moused, lion.

 

DEMETRIUS
And then came Pyramus.

 

PYRAMUS
Sweet moon, I thank thee for thy sunny beams;
But mark, poor knight,
What dreadful dole is here!
Eyes, do you see?
How can it be?
O dainty duck! O dear!
Thy mantle good,
What, stain’d with blood?
Come, tears, confound;
Out, sword, and wound
The pap of Pyramus,—
Ay, that left pap,
Where heart doth hop: [stabs himself]
Thus die I, thus, thus.

Now am I dead,
Now am I fled;
My soul is in the sky:
Tongue, lose thy light;
Moon, take thy flight:.
Now die, die, die, die, die. (dies)

 

THESEUS
With the help of a surgeon he might yet recover, 
and yet prove an ass.

 

THISBE

Asleep, my love?
What, dead my dove?
O Pyramus, arise!
Speak, speak. Quite dumb?
Dead, dead? A tomb
Must cover thy sweet eyes.
His eyes were green as leeks.
Come, trusty sword;
Come, blade, my breast imbrue [stabs herself]
And, farewell, friends,—
Thus Thisbe ends,-
Adieu, adieu, adieu.  dies]

 

BOTTOM 
Will it please you to see the epilogue, or to hear a Bergomask dance between two of our company?

 

THESEUS
No epilogue, I pray you; for your play needs no excuse.       The iron tongue of midnight hath told twelve:
Lovers, to bed; ’tis almost fairy-time. 

 

OBERON
Now, until the break of day,
Through this house each fairy stray.
So shall all the couples three
Ever true in loving be; 

PUCK

If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,-
That you have but slumber’d here,
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,

PUCK
And Robin shall restore amends!

 

ALL REPEAT

And Robin shall restore amends!

All raise arms holding hands, and bow!

 

CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY

The following is a list of the characters that appear in this cutting of Henry IV, Part 1.

Twenty-five actors performed in the original production. This number can be increased to about thirty or decreased to abouttwelve by having actors share or double roles.

For the full breakdown of characters, see Sample Program.

FALSTAFF: Sir John Falstaff, a debauched and witty aristocrat

PRINCE HENRY: Also called Harry or Hal; oldest son to King Henry IV

POINS: Companion to Falstaff; gentleman-in-waiting to Prince Henry

GADSHILL: Companion to Falstaff BARDOLPH: Companion to Falstaff PETO: Companion to Falstaff TRAVELER ONE

TRAVELER TWO

HOSTESS: Mistress Quickly, hostess of the Boar’s Head Tavern in Eastcheap

MORTIMER: Edmund Mortimer, Earl of March; brother to Lady Percy, husband to Lady Mortimer

GLENDOWER: Owen Glendower, a Welsh rebel; father to Lady Mortimer

HOTSPUR: Henry Percy, nicknamed Hotspur; son to Earl of Northumberland

LADY MORTIMER: Daughter to Glendower, wife to Mortimer

 

CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY ✴ IX

 

 

 

 

 

 

LADY PERCY: Wife to Hotspur, sister to Mortimer

KING HENRY IV: Father to Prince Henry; formerly Henry of Bollingbroke

EARL OF DOUGLAS: Archibald, Earl of Douglas; a Scottish noble

LANCASTER: Prince John of Lancaster, also called the Duke of Lancaster; third son to King Henry IV

 

From King Henry IV, Part 2 (final scene in this cutting):

PISTOL: An irregular humorist; Falstaff ’s henchman SHALLOW: Robert Shallow, a country justice of the peace KINGHENRY V: Formerly Prince Henry; newly crowned king LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE: Attendant to King Henry V; nemesis

of Falstaff

ATTENDANT

 

 

NARRATOR

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 1. (ACT I, SCENE II)

Eastcheap. The Boar’s-Head Tavern.

SOUND OPERATOR plays Sound Cue #1 (“Merry tavern music”). STAGEHANDS move bench to center stage, downstage of pillars. Enter NARRATOR from stage right, coming downstage center.

NARRATOR

Young Prince Henry—called “Harry” or “Hal” by his friends—carouses in the tavern in Eastcheap with the fat knight Jack Falstaff and other friends, including Poins, Hal’s gentleman-in-waiting. Hal and Poins devise a plan torob Falstaff and company of their stolen money, just for fun and mockery.

Enter FALSTAFF from stage right.

FALSTAFF lies down on bench on his back, falls asleep, and starts snoring loudly. PRINCE HENRY enters, looks at FALSTAFF amusedly, and tickles the sleeping man’s nose with his hat.

FALSTAFF sputters and wakes up, a bit disoriented.

 

FALSTAFF

Now, Hal, what time of day is it, lad?

 

PRINCE HENRY (slaps FALSTAFF on the belly with his hat; moves behind him)

Thou art so fat-witted, with drinking of old sack that thou hast forgotten todemand that truly which thou

 

HENRY IV, PART 1 ✴ 3

 

wouldst truly know. What a devil hast thou to do with the time of the day; unless hourswere cups of sack and minutes capons?

FALSTAFF roll up to a sitting position, stands, and moves a few steps stage left. PRINCE HENRY lies down on bench on his side, facing FALSTAFF.

 

FALSTAFF

Marry, then, sweet wag, when thou art king, let not us that are squires of the night’s bodybe called

thieves of the day’s beauty: let us be Diana’s foresters, gentlemen of the shade, minions of the moon.

 

FALSTAFF moons PRINCE HENRY.

 

PRINCE HENRY (covers his face in fright)

Thou sayest well, and it holds well too; for the fortune of us that are the moon’s men dothebb and flow like the sea, being governed, as the sea is, by the moon.

 

FALSTAFF (joins PRINCE HENRY on bench; slaps him on the back) Thou hast the most unsavory similes and artindeed the most comparative, rascalliest, sweet young prince, and art indeed able to corrupt a saint. Thou hast done much harm upon me, Hal; God forgive thee for it!

 

PRINCE HENRY

Where shall we take a purse tomorrow, Jack?

 

FALSTAFF

’Zounds, where thou wilt, lad.

 

Enter POINS from stage right.

Poins!

 

4 ✴ HENRY IV, PART 1

 

PRINCE HENRY

Good morrow, Ned!

 

POINS

Good morrow, sweet Hal. What says Monsieur Remorse?

 

POINS squeezes in between PRINCE HENRY and FALSTAFF on bench.

What says Sir John Sack and Sugar?

POINS gives FALSTAFF a friendly shove and FALSTAFF nearly falls over. POINS then puts his arms around PRINCE HENRY and FALSTAFF conspiratorially.

My lads, my lads, to-morrow morning, by four o’clock, early at Gadshill! Thereare pilgrims going to Canterbury with rich offerings, and traders riding to London with fat purses: If you will go, I will stuff your purses full of crowns; if you will not, tarry

at home and be hanged. (to FALSTAFF) Sir John, I prithee, leave the prince and me alone: I will lay him down such reasons for this adventure that he shall go.

 

FALSTAFF (stands)

Farewell; you shall find me in Eastcheap.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Farewell, thou latter spring! Farewell, All-hallown summer!

Exit FALSTAFF stage right.

 

POINS

Now, my good sweet honey lord, ride with us to- morrow: I have a jest to executethat I cannot manage alone. Falstaff, Bardolph, Peto, and Gadshill shall

 

HENRY IV, PART 1 ✴ 5

 

rob those men that we have already waylaid: yourself and I will not be there; and whenthey have the booty, if you and I do not rob them, cut this head off from my shoulders. Iknow them to be as true-bred cowards as ever turned back; the virtue of this jest will be,the incomprehensible lies that this same fat rogue will tell us when we meet at supper: how thirty, at least, he fought with; and in the reproof of this lies the jest.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Well, I’ll go with thee.

 

POINS

Farewell, my lord.

 

Exit POINS stage right.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Herein will I imitate the sun,

Who doth permit the base contagious clouds To smother up his beauty from the world, That, when he please again to be himself, Being wanted, he may be more wonder’d at,

So, when this loose behavior I throw off (stands)

And pay the debt I never promised,

By how much better than my word I am, By so much shall I falsify men’s hopes; And likebright metal on a sullen ground, My reformation, glittering o’er my fault,

Shall show more goodly and attract more eyes Than that which hath no foil to set it off.

I’ll so offend, to make offense a skill; Redeeming time when men think least I will.

Exit PRINCE HENRY stage right.

STAGEHANDS remove bench.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 2. (ACT II, SCENE II)

The highway, near Gadshill.

Enter NARRATOR from stage right, coming downstage center.

 

NARRATOR

Falstaff and his band of rogues rob the travelers, but their plan backfires.

Exit NARRATOR stage left.

Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS from stage right; they stand near stage right pillar.

 

POINS

Come, shelter, shelter: I have removed Falstaff ’s horse, and he frets like a gummed velvet.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Stand close.

Enter FALSTAFF, looking for Poins, whom he does not see.

 

FALSTAFF

Poins! Poins, and be hanged! Poins!

 

PRINCE HENRY (comes up behind FALSTAFF)

Peace, ye fat-kidneyed rascal! What a brawling dost thou keep!

 

HENRY IV, PART 1 ✴ 7

 

FALSTAFF jumps and squeals from fright; he then pretends not to have reacted that way.

 

FALSTAFF

Where’s Poins, Hal? The rascal hath removed my horse, and tied him I know not where. A plague upon it when thieves cannot be true one to another! (loudly) Give me my horse, you rogues.

 

Enter GADSHILL, PETO, and BARDOLPH from stage right, walking in a line with GADSHILL leading. They all bump into each

other and slap the person behind them with their hats. Since BARDOLPH is last, he can’tslap anybody; this frustrates him, so he slaps his bottle instead.

 

GADSHILL

Stand.

FALSTAFF

So I do, against my will.

 

BARDOLPH

There’s money of the king’s coming down the hill.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Sirs, you four shall front them in the narrow lane; Ned Poins and I will walk lower: if they’scape from your encounter, then they light on us.

 

PETO

How many be there of them?

GADSHILL

Some eight or ten.

 

8 ✴ HENRY IV, PART 1

 

FALSTAFF

’Zounds, will they not rob us?

 

PRINCE HENRY

What, a coward, Sir John Paunch?

 

FALSTAFF

Indeed, I am not John of Gaunt, your grandfather; but yet no coward, Hal.

 

PRINCE HENRY (whispering to POINS)

Ned, where are our disguises?

 

POINS

Here, hard by: stand close.

 

Exit PRINCE HENRY and POINS stage right.

 

FALSTAFF

Now, every man to his business.

 

Enter TRAVELERS from stage left.

 

TRAVELER ONE

Come, neighbor: the boy shall lead our horses down the hill; we’ll walk afoot awhile, and ease our legs.

 

FALSTAFF

Stand!

 

TRAVELER TWO

Jesus bless us!

 

FALSTAFF

Strike; down with them; bacon-fed knaves! Fleece them.

 

HENRY IV, PART 1 ✴ 9

 

TRAVELER TWO

O, we are undone, both we and ours for ever!

 

FALSTAFF

Ye fat chuffs: on, bacons, on!

 

FALSTAFF, GADSHILL, and PETO rob and bind TRAVELERS.

BARDOLPH mistakenly is tied up as well and led out with them; he yells muffledprotestations through the scarf tied around his mouth. Exit ALL stage left.

Re-enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS from stage right.

 

PRINCE HENRY

The thieves have bound the true men. Now could thou and I rob the thieves and go merrily to London, it would be argument for a week, laughter for a month and a good jest for ever.

 

POINS

Stand close; I hear them coming.

 

PRINCE HENRY and POINS hide behind stage left pillar.

Re-enter FALSTAFF, GADSHILL, PETO, and BARDOLPH from stage left.

 

FALSTAFF

Come, my masters, let us share.

 

PRINCE HENRY and POINS leap out from behind stage left pillars, brandishing swords.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Your money!

 

POINS

Villains!

 

10 ✴ HENRY IV, PART 1

 

FALSTAFF, GADSHILL, PETO, and BARDOLPH drop the money and run screaming, with FALSTAFF screaming theloudest. HAL and POINS laugh hysterically, nearly falling down from the effort.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Got with much ease. Now merrily to horse: Falstaff lards the lean earth ashe walks along: Were’t not for laughing, I should pity him.

 

POINS

How the rogue roar’d!

 

Exit POINS and PRINCE HENRY stage right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 3. (ACT II, SCENE IV)

Eastcheap. The Boar’s-Head Tavern.

STAGEHANDS move table stage center, placing one stool stage right of table and one stool stage left.

Enter NARRATOR from stage right, coming downstage center.

 

NARRATOR

Prince Hal teases Falstaff about his cowardice. Falstaff and Hal take turns role-playingthe king, with revealing results.

Exit NARRATOR stage left.

Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS from stage right. PRINCE HENRY

sits in stool stage left and POINS stands behind table.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are at the door: shall we be merry?

 

POINS

As merry as crickets, my lad.

 

Enter FALSTAFF, GADSHILL, PETO, and BARDOLPH from stage right, carrying wine. BARDOLPH pours a small cup for PRINCE HENRY, swigs from the bottle, and then pulls a flask out of his pocket and swigs from that. He then pulls a smaller bottle from another pocket, swigs from it, and burps.

 

12 ✴ HENRY IV, PART 1

 

FALSTAFF sits on a stool and the others stand around table behind him.

 

FALSTAFF

A plague of all cowards! There be four of us here have ta’en a thousand pound this day morning.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Where is it, Jack? Where is it? (pretends to look for the money)

 

FALSTAFF

Where is it! Taken from us it is: a hundred upon poor four of us. I have ’scaped by miracle.

 

FALSTAFF stands and mimes getting stabbed eight times in the chest, then four times in the legs.

I am eight times thrust through the doublet, four through the hose; my sword hacked like a hand- saw—ecce signum! (shows his mangled sword) A plague of all cowards!

FALSTAFF toasts, drinks, then refills his cup. BARDOLPH does so as well, three times in a row,until PETO shoots him a look and grabs the bottle from him.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Why, thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool. We two saw you four set on four and bound them, and were masters of their wealth. Then did we twoset on you four; and, with a word, out-faced you from your prize, and have it;(holds up bag of money) and, Falstaff, you carried your guts away with quick dexterity, and roared for mercy. What device canst thou now find out to hide thee from this shame?

 

HENRY IV, PART 1 ✴ 13

 

POINS

Come, let’s hear, Jack; what trick hast thou now?

 

FALSTAFF (pauses; thinks)

Why, hear you, my masters: was it for me to kill the true prince? I am as valiantas Hercules, but beware instinct. I was now a coward on instinct. I am glad you have the money.

 

PRINCE HENRY (to FALSTAFF)

You fought fair; so did you, Peto; so did you, Bardolph:

GADSHILL feels left out and points to himself.

You are lions too, you ran away upon instinct, you will not touch the true prince.

 

BARDOLPH

’Faith, I ran when I saw others run. (burps)

 

FALSTAFF

Tell me, Hal, art thou not horribly afraid?

 

PRINCE HENRY

Not a whit, i’ faith; I lack some of thy (pauses)

instinct.

 

FALSTAFF

Well, thou wert be horribly chid tomorrow when thou comest to thy father: if thou love me,practice an answer.

 

PRINCE HENRY (playfully) Do thou stand for my father, and examine me upon the particulars of my life.

 

14 ✴ HENRY IV, PART 1

 

FALSTAFF

Shall I? Content: this chair shall be my state, this dagger my scepter, and this cushion my crown. (puts cushion on head) Here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.

HOSTESS

O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i’ faith! O, the father, how he holds his countenance! Hedoth it as like one of these harlotry players as ever I see!

 

HOSTESS laughs until people look at her in irritation; she stops.

 

FALSTAFF (addresses PETO, then BARDOLPH)

Peace, good pint-pot; peace, good tickle-brain.

FALSTAFF composes himself, breathes deeply, and gets into character.

 

FALSTAFF

Harry, I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy time, but also the company thou keepest:

 

FALSTAFF looks at the group before him, who protest vocally.

and yet there is a virtuous man whom I have often noted in thy company, but I know not his name.

 

PRINCE HENRY

What manner of man, your majesty?

 

FALSTAFF (looks at his belly)

A goodly portly man, i’ faith, and of a cheerful look, and, as I think, his age some fifty,

HOSTESS and others interrupt by yelling, “Sixty!”

 

HENRY IV, PART 1 ✴ 15

 

or, by’r lady, inclining to three score; His name is Falstaff: Harry, I see virtue in his looks.Falstaff: him keep with, the rest banish.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Do thou stand for me, and I’ll play my father.

 

FALSTAFF

Depose me?

 

FALSTAFF and PRINCE HENRY switch places. PRINCE HENRY sits in the stool and takes the dagger and cushion fromFALSTAFF while FALSTAFF stands.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Well, here I am set.

 

FALSTAFF

And here I stand: judge, my masters.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Now, Harry, whence come you?

 

FALSTAFF (kneels)

My noble lord, from Eastcheap.

 

PRINCE HENRY

The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.

 

FALSTAFF

’Sblood, my lord, they are false.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Swearest thou, ungracious boy? Thou art violently carried away from grace: there is adevil haunts thee in the likeness of an old (pauses) fat (pauses) man.

 

16 ✴ HENRY IV, PART 1

 

(stares at FALSTAFF) Why dost thou converse with that trunk of humors,

With each insult, the crowd at the tavern responds verbally.

that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that stuffed cloak- bag of guts, with the pudding in his belly. Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink it? Wherein villanous, but in all things?

The cheering dies down, as it seems PRINCE HENRY is being unnecessarily mean.

Wherein worthy, but in nothing?

The cheering fades away completely. The crowd is a little uncomfortable.

 

FALSTAFF

Whom means your grace?

 

PRINCE HENRY

That villanous abominable misleader of youth, Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.

 

FALSTAFF (less jolly, more timid)

My lord, the man I know.

 

PRINCE HENRY

I know thou dost.

 

FALSTAFF

If to be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damned: No, my good lord; banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins: but for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, being, as he is, old Jack Falstaff, banish not

 

HENRY IV, PART 1 ✴ 17

 

him thy Harry’s company, banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.

 

PRINCE HENRY

I do, I will.

PRINCE HENRY stands and begins to leave, looking and acting more like a king than whenhe came in. Exit PRINCE HENRY stage rear as all look on.

Exit POINS, GADSHILL, and PETO stage right. HOSTESS wakes BARDOLPH, who has fallen asleep, and leads him offstage right. FALSTAFF looks out over the audience, sighs, and lumbers off stage right.

STAGEHANDS remove table.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 4. (ACT III, SCENE I)

The Archdeacon’s house.

Enter NARRATOR from stage right, coming downstage center.

 

NARRATOR

Hot-headed Harry Percy—known as Hotspur— tangles with the Welsh LordGlendower as they plan to divide up the kingdom they intend to conquer.

Exit NARRATOR stage right.

Enter HOTSPUR, MORTIMER, and GLENDOWER from stage left.

 

MORTIMER

These promises are fair, the parties sure, And our induction full ofprosperous hope.

 

HOTSPUR

Lord Mortimer, and cousin Glendower, Will you sit down?

 

GLENDOWER sits on stage right stool and MORTIMER sits in stool stage left. HOTSPUR remains standing.

A plague upon it! I have forgot the map.

 

GLENDOWER

No, here it is. (pulls out map)

Sit, cousin Percy; sit, good cousin Hotspur,

At my birth the frame and huge foundation of the earth Shaked like a coward.

 

HENRY IV, PART 1 ✴ 19

 

HOTSPUR

O, then the earth shook to see the heavens on fire, And not in fear of your nativity.

 

MORTIMER stands between PERCY and GLENDOWER and separates them with his hands.

 

MORTIMER

Peace, cousin Percy; you will make him mad.

 

GLENDOWER

Three times hath Henry Bolingbroke made head Against my power; thrice have I sent him Bootless home and weather-beaten back.

 

HOTSPUR

Home without boots, and in foul weather too!

 

GLENDOWER

Come, here’s the map: shall we divide our right According to our threefold order ta’en?

GLENDOWER sets the map on the ground. ALL examine it.

 

MORTIMER

The archdeacon hath divided it Into three limits very equally:

 

HOTSPUR (points at map with a stick)

Methinks my moiety, north from Burton here, In quantity equals not one of yours:

See how this river cuts me from the best of all my land.

It shall not wind with such a deep indent, To rob me of so rich a bottom here.

 

20 ✴ HENRY IV, PART 1

 

GLENDOWER

Not wind? It shall, it must; you see it doth.

 

HOTSPUR (stands)

Who shall say me nay?

 

GLENDOWER

Why, that will I.

GLENDOWER and HOTSPUR take a step closer to each other and stare at each other for a moment. GLENDOWER looks away first.

Come, you shall have Trent turn’d.

 

HOTSPUR.

Are the indentures drawn? Shall we be gone?

 

GLENDOWER

The moon shines fair; you may away by night.

Exit GLENDOWER stage right.

 

MORTIMER

Fie, cousin Percy! How you cross my father!

 

HOTSPUR

I cannot choose: sometime he angers me. O, he is as tedious as a railing wife.

 

MORTIMER sits HOTSPUR in the stool to calm him down.

 

MORTIMER

In faith, my lord, you are too wilful-blame.

 

HOTSPUR

Well, I am school’d: Here come our wives, and let us take our leave.

 

HENRY IV, PART 1 ✴ 21

 

Re-enter GLENDOWER with LADY MORTIMER and LADY PERCY

from stage right.

MORTIMER and PERCY gaze lovingly at their respective wives as they enter.

 

HOTSPUR

Come, Kate, thou art perfect in lying down:

come, quick, quick, that I may lay my head in thy lap.

 

LADY PERCY

Go, ye giddy goose.

LADY PERCY sits and HOTSPUR lays his head in her lap.

SOUND OPERATOR plays Sound Cue #2 (“Welsh music”).

GLENDOWER conducts the music, as if summoning it from thin air; ALL listen, enraptured.

 

HOTSPUR

Now I perceive the devil is a good musician.

 

LADY PERCY

Then should you be nothing but musical for you are altogether governed byhumors. Lie still, ye thief,

Now God help thee!

 

HOTSPUR

To the Welsh lady’s bed.

 

LADY PERCY

What’s that?

 

22 ✴ HENRY IV, PART 1

 

HOTSPUR

Peace. Come, Kate, I’ll have your song too.

 

LADY PERCY

Not mine, in good sooth.

Exit HOTSPUR and LADY PERCY stage left, giggling.

 

GLENDOWER

Come, come, Lord Mortimer; you are as slow As hot Lord Percy is on fire to go.

MORTIMER stands and helps LADY MORTIMER to her feet.

Exit MORTIMER and LADY MORTIMER stage right, arm in arm. GLENDOWER watches them leave for a few moments,then exits stage right.

STAGEHANDS remove stools, then place throne center.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 5 (ACT III, SCENE II)

London. The palace.

Enter NARRATOR from stage right, coming downstage center.

 

NARRATOR

Prince Hal reconciles with his father, King Henry IV, by swearing to fight the rebels and todefeat Hotspur.

Exit NARRATOR stage right.

Enter KING HENRY IV and PRINCE HENRY from stage left.

KING HENRY IV sits on the throne.

 

KING HENRY IV

I know not whether God will have it so, For some displeasing service I have done, But thou dost in thy passages of life

Make me believe that thou art only mark’d For the hot vengeance and the rod of heaven To punish my mistreadings. Tell me else, Could such inordinate and low desires,

Such barren pleasures, rude society,

As thou art match’d withal and grafted to, Accompany the greatness of thy blood

And hold their level with thy princely heart?

 

PRINCE HENRY

So please your majesty

Find pardon on my true submission. (kneels)

 

24 ✴ HENRY IV, PART 1

 

KING HENRY IV

God pardon thee! Yet let me wonder, Harry, At thy affections, which do hold a wing Quite from the flight of all thy ancestors.

The hope and expectation of thy time

Is ruin’d. Harry, thou has lost thy princely privilege With vile participation: not an eye

But is a-weary of thy common sight,

Save mine, which hath desired to see thee more.

 

PRINCE HENRY (touched and surprised)

I shall hereafter be more myself.

 

KING HENRY IV

For all the world

Percy now leads ancient lords and reverend bishops on To bloody battles and to bruising arms.

Thrice hath this Hotspur, Mars in swathling clothes, Discomfited great Douglas, ta’en him once,

And what say you to this? Percy, Northumberland, The Archbishop’s grace of York, Douglas, Mortimer,Capitulate against us and are up.

 

PRINCE HENRY (stands; walks slowly downstage center)

I will redeem all this on Percy’s head And in the closing of someglorious day

Be bold to tell you that (turns to KING HENRY IV)

I am your son; For the time will come,

That I shall make this northern youth exchange

His glorious deeds for my indignities. (kneels again)

This, in the name of God, I promise here: And I will die a hundredthousand deaths Ere break the smallest parcel of this vow.

 

HENRY IV, PART 1 ✴ 25

 

KING HENRY IV stands and helps PRINCE HENRY to his feet. They hold a long handshake and eye contact.

 

KING HENRY IV

A hundred thousand rebels die in this:

Thou shalt have charge and sovereign trust herein.

Exit KING HENRY IV stage right. PRINCE HENRY follows.

STAGEHANDS remove throne.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 6. (ACT V, SCENE IV)

A field between the camps.

Enter NARRATOR from stage right, coming downstage center.

 

NARRATOR

We are on the battlefield. True colors are revealed, with Hal showing braveryand loyalty, and Falstaff showing that he is, well, still a coward and a liar. (But, somehow, a loveable one!)

Exit NARRATOR stage left.

Enter KING HENRY IV and EARL OF DOUGLAS from stage right, bearing swords.

 

EARL OF DOUGLAS

Another king! They grow like Hydra’s heads: I am the Douglas, fatal to all those

That wear those colors on them: what art thou, That counterfeit’st the person of a king?

 

KING HENRY IV

The king himself; I will assay thee: so, defend thyself.

 

EARL OF DOUGLAS (examines KING HENRY IV)

I fear thou art another counterfeit;

And yet, in faith, thou bear’st thee like a king: But mine I am sure thou art, whoe’er thou be, And thus I win thee.

 

HENRY IV, PART 1 ✴ 27

 

KING HENRY IV and EARL OF DOUGLAS fight. With KING HENRY IV

in danger, PRINCE HENRY enters from stage left.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Hold up thy head, vile Scot, it is the Prince of Wales that threatens thee.

PRINCE HENRY joins the fight. KING HENRY IV is fatigued, but fights EARL OF DOUGLAS valiantly. EARL OF DOUGLAS escapes offstage right. PRINCE HENRY runs to check on his father.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Cheerly, my lord how fares your grace?

 

KING HENRY IV

Stay, and breathe awhile:

Thou hast redeem’d thy lost opinion,

And show’d thou makest some tender of my life, In this fair rescue thou hast brought to me.

 

PRINCE HENRY

O God! They did me too much injury That ever said I hearken’d for your death.

KING HENRY IV and PRINCE HENRY meet each other’s gaze for a brief emotional moment.

Exit KING HENRY IV stage left. Enter HOTSPUR from stage right.

HOTSPUR

If I mistake not, thou art Harry Monmouth. My name is Harry Percy.

 

28 ✴ HENRY IV, PART 1

 

PRINCE HENRY

I am the Prince of Wales.

 

HOTSPUR

The hour is come

To end the one of us;

I can no longer brook thy vanities.

 

PRINCE HENRY IV and HOTSPUR fight.

Enter FALSTAFF from stage left.

 

FALSTAFF

Well said, Hal! To it Hal! Nay, you shall find no boy’s play here, I can tell you.

 

Re-enter EARL OF DOUGLAS; he fights with FALSTAFF, who falls down as if he were dead.

Exit EARL OF DOUGLAS stage right.

HOTSPUR is wounded; he falls.

 

HOTSPUR

O, Harry, thou hast robb’d me of my youth! Percy, thou art dust

And food for—

 

HOTSPUR dies.

 

PRINCE HENRY

For worms, brave Percy: fare thee well, great heart!

PRINCE HENRY sees FALSTAFF on the ground.

What, old acquaintance! Could not all this flesh Keep in a little life? Poor Jack, farewell!

 

 

Exit PRINCE HENRY stage right.

HENRY IV, PART 1 ✴ 29

 

FALSTAFF continues to appear dead; after a few moments, he rises up suddenly.

 

FALSTAFF

The better part of valor is discretion; in the which better part I have saved my life. ’Zounds,I am afraid of this gunpowder Percy, though he be dead: how, if he should counterfeit tooand rise? Therefore, sirrah,

 

FALSTAFF stabs HOTSPUR in the thigh.

with a new wound in your thigh, come you along with me.

FALSTAFF begins to drag HOTSPUR offstage.

Enter PRINCE HENRY and LANCASTER from stage right. FALSTAFF

stops.

 

LANCASTER

But, soft! Whom have we here?

Did you not tell me this fat man was dead?

 

PRINCE HENRY

I did; I saw him dead. Art thou alive?

Or is it fantasy that plays upon our eyesight?

 

FALSTAFF

No, that’s certain; I am not a double man: (glances at his belly) but if I be notJack Falstaff, then am I a Jack. There is Percy:

 

FALSTAFF gestures to HOTSPUR’S body.

 

30 ✴ HENRY IV, PART 1

 

if your father will do me any honor, so; if not, let him kill the next Percyhimself. I look to be either earl or duke, I can assure you.

 

PRINCE HENRY

Why, Percy I killed myself and saw thee dead.

 

FALSTAFF

Didst thou? Lord, Lord, how this world is given

to lying! I grant you I was down and out of breath; and so was he: but we rose both at an instant and fought a longhour by Shrewsbury clock. I gave him this wound in the thigh: if the man were alive and would deny it, ’zounds, I would make him eat a piece of my sword.

 

LANCASTER

This is the strangest tale that ever I heard.

 

PRINCE HENRY

This is the strangest fellow, brother John.

SOUND OPERATOR plays Sound Cue #3 (“Trumpet retreat”).

The trumpet sounds retreat; the day is ours.

Exit PRINCE HENRY and LANCASTER stage right.

 

FALSTAFF

If I do grow great, I’ll grow less; for I’ll purge, and leave sack, and live cleanly as anobleman should do.

 

Exit FALSTAFF stage right, dragging HOTSPUR’S body by the legs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 7. (FALSTAFF’S SPEECH:

ACT V, SCENE I. ADDITIONAL MATERIAL FROM HENRY IV, PART 2: ACT V, SCENE V)

Enter NARRATOR from stage right, coming downstage center.

 

NARRATOR

Time has passed, and Hal is now King Henry V. He rejects Falstaff as part of the formerlife that he now renounces.

Exit NARRATOR stage left.

Enter FALSTAFF, SHALLOW, PISTOL, and BARDOLPH from stage right. As usual, BARDOLPH bumps into the man infront of him. ALL stand in a line, side by side, watching for the royal parade.

 

FALSTAFF

Stand here by me, Master Robert Shallow; I will make the king do you grace:I will leer upon him as a’ comes by; and do but mark the countenance that he will give me.

 

PISTOL

God bless thy lungs, good knight.

FALSTAFF

Come here, Pistol; stand behind me. This doth show my earnestness of affection.

 

32 ✴ HENRY IV, PART 1

 

FALSTAFF puts his arm around PISTOL’S shoulders. PISTOL in turn puts his arm around BARDOLPH. BARDOLPH goes to puts his arm around someone’s shoulders, but there is nobody there, so he puts his arm around a wine bottle instead.

 

SHALLOW

It doth so.

FALSTAFF

My devotion,—

SHALLOW

It doth, it doth, it doth.

FALSTAFF

As it were, to ride day and night; and not to deliberate, but to stand stained with travel,and sweating with desire to see him; as if there were nothing else to be done but to see him.

 

Shouts come from within.

SOUND OPERATOR plays Sound Cue #4 (“Royal fanfare”).

 

PISTOL

There roar’d the sea, and trumpet-clangor sounds.

 

Enter KING HENRY V from stage left accompanied by the LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE and ATTENDANT holding KING HENRY V’S robe.

 

FALSTAFF

God save thy grace, King Hal! My royal Hal!

PISTOL

The heavens thee guard and keep, most royal imp of fame!

 

HENRY IV, PART 1 ✴ 33

 

FALSTAFF

God save thee, my sweet boy!

 

KING HENRY V

My lord chief-justice, speak to that vain man.

The CHIEF-JUSTICE tries to think of something to say but can’t think of anything; he fumbles over his words,starting and stopping.

Lord Chief-Justice have you your wits? Know you what ’tis to speak?

 

FALSTAFF

My king! My Jove! I speak to thee, my heart!

 

KING HENRY V

I know thee not, old man: fall to thy prayers.

FALSTAFF is visibly shaken and upset; he kneels, as do PISTOL and BARDOLPH. BARDOLPH offers a swig from thebottle to KING HENRY V, who ignores him. SHALLOW gives a small bow.

How ill white hairs become a fool and jester! I have long dream’d of such a kind of man, So surfeit-swell’d, so old and so profane; But, being awaked, I do despise my dream. Reply not to me with a fool-born jest: Presume not that I am the thing I was;

For God doth know, so shall the world perceive, That I have turn’d away my former self;

So will I those that kept me company. When thou dost hear I am as I have been,

Approach me, and thou shalt be as thou wast, The tutor and the feeder of my riots:

Till then, I banish thee, on pain of death,

 

34 ✴ HENRY IV, PART 1

 

Not to come near our person by ten mile. Set on.

Exit KING HENRY V and ATTENDANT.

 

FALSTAFF (to SHALLOW)

Master Shallow, do not you grieve at this; I shall be sent for in private to him: look you, he must

seem thus to the world: this that you heard was but a color.

 

SHALLOW

A color that I fear you will die in, Sir John.

FALSTAFF

Fear no colors: go with me to dinner: come, Lieutenant Pistol; come, Bardolph: I shall besent for soon at night.

 

Exit SHALLOW and BARDOLPH stage right.

 

FALSTAFF

I would ’twere bed-time, Hal, and all well.

 

PRINCE HENRY’S voice rings out from offstage, an echo from the past.

Why, thou owest God a death.

ALL begin to enter and surround FALSTAFF as he speaks.

 

FALSTAFF

’Tis not due yet; I would be loath to pay him before his day. What need I be so forward with him that calls not on me? Well, ’tis no matter; honor pricks me on. Yea, but how if honor prick me off when I come on? How then? Can honor set to a leg?

 

HENRY IV, PART 1 ✴ 35

 

ALL

No.

FALSTAFF

Or an arm?

ALL

No.

FALSTAFF

Or take away the grief of a wound?

ALL

No.

FALSTAFF

What is honor? A word. What is in that word honor?

ALL

Air.

FALSTAFF

Who hath it? He that died o’ Wednesday. Doth he feel it?

ALL

No.

FALSTAFF

’Tis insensible, then. Yea, to the dead. But will it not live with the living?

ALL

No.

 

36 ✴ HENRY IV, PART 1

 

FALSTAFF

 

Why? Detraction will not suffer it. Therefore I’ll none of it.

 

ALL

Honor is a mere scutcheon.

FALSTAFF

And so ends my catechism.

CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY

The following is a list of characters that appear in this cutting of

The Comedy of Errors.

Twenty-six actors performed in the original production. This number can be increased to about thirty or decreased toabout twelve by having actors share or double roles.

For the full breakdown of characters, see Sample Program.

DUKE SOLINUS: Duke of Ephesus EGEON: A merchant of Syracuse YOUNG EGEON

JAILER

FIRST MERCHANT

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE DROMIO OF EPHESUS DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Twin brothers, and sons to Egeon and Emilia

 

Twin brothers, and bondsmen to the two Antipholuses

ADRIANA: Wife to Antipholus of Ephesus

LUCIANA: Her sister ANGELO: A goldsmith SECOND MERCHANT

EMILIA: Wife to Egeon, an abbess at Ephesus

SERVANT NARRATORS

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 1. (ACT I, SCENE I)

A hall in Duke Solinus’s palace.

Stagehands set throne at an angle stage right, downstage of pillars, then set chair stage left, downstage of pillars andslightly facing throne.

Enter NARRATOR from stage rear, coming downstage center.

 

NARRATOR

Our play begins with Egeon sentenced to death for trespassing in Ephesus. He explains to the Duke how he became separated from his wife and two sets of twins.

Exit NARRATOR stage left.

Enter DUKE SOLINUS, EGEON, and JAILER from stage right. DUKE SOLINUS sits in throne. JAILER enters with EGEON in cuffs and stands center stage, facing EGEON, who is slightly downstage.

 

EGEON

Proceed, Solinus, to procure my fall

And by the doom of death end woes and all.

 

DUKE SOLINUS

Merchant of Syracuse, plead no more; I am not partial to infringe our laws: Again: if any Syracusian born

Come to the bay of Ephesus, he dies,

2 ✴ THE COMEDY OF ERRORS

 

Unless a thousand marks be levied, Therefore by law thou art condemned to die.

 

EGEON

Yet this my comfort: when your words are done, My woes end likewise with the evening sun.

 

DUKE SOLINUS

Well, Syracusian, say in brief the cause Why thou departed’st from thy native home

And for what cause thou camest to Ephesus.

 

EGEON

In Syracusa was I born, and wed Unto a woman, happy but for me,

A joyful mother of two goodly sons;

And, which was strange, the one so like the other, As could not be distinguish’d but by names.

 

Enter EGEON’S WIFE and SONS from stage rear. The SONS stand on either side of their mother, upstage right.

That very hour, and in the self-same inn, A meaner woman was delivered

Of such a burden, male twins, both alike:

Enter TWINS from stage rear, moving upstage left.

Those,—for their parents were exceeding poor,— I bought and brought up to attend my sons.

Enter YOUNG EGEON from stage rear. ALL move toward center, remaining upstage.

A league from Epidamnum had we sail’d, Before the always wind-obeying deep

THE COMEDY OF ERRORS ✴ 3

 

Gave doubtful warrant of immediate death; The sailors sought for safety by our boat, And left the ship, then sinking-ripe, to us: My wife, more careful for the latter-born, Had fasten’d him unto a small spare mast, To him one of the other twins was bound,

EGEON’S WIFE affixes one of her sons and one of the adopted twins to the right side of a long pole.

Whilst I had been like heedful of the other:

YOUNG EGEON affixes the other of his sons and the other adopted twin to the left side of the pole.

The children thus disposed, my wife and I, Fasten’d ourselves at either end the mast;

EGEON’S WIFE affixes herself to right side of pole, as YOUNG EGEON

affixes himself to the left.

We were encounterd by a mighty rock; Our helpful ship was splitted inthe midst. Her part, poor soul

Was carried with more speed before the wind.

The pole splits in half and the two groups exit the stage on their respective sides.

Thus have you heard me sever’d from my bliss; And happy were I in my timely death,

Could all my travels warrant me they live.

 

DUKE SOLINUS (stands)

Hapless Egeon, whom the fates have mark’d To bear the extremity of dire mishap!

But, though thou art adjudged to the death

4 ✴ THE COMEDY OF ERRORS

 

Yet I will favor thee in what I can. (motions for

JAILER to unshackle EGEON)

Therefore, merchant, I’ll limit thee this day; Beg thou, or borrow, to make up the sum, And live; if no, then thou art doom’d to die. Jailer, take him to thy custody.

 

JAILER

I will, my lord.

 

EGEON

Hopeless and helpless doth Egeon wend, But to procrastinate his lifeless end.

 

Exit DUKE SOLINUS stage left. EGEON and JAILER follow.

STAGEHANDS remove throne and chair, set bench downstage center.

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 2. (ACT I, SCENE II)

The Mart.

Enter NARRATOR from stage rear, coming downstage center.

 

NARRATOR

Antipholus of Syracuse and his servant, Dromio of Syracuse, have traveled to Ephesus in search of their long lost twin brothers and their mother. Antipholus gives money to Dromio of Syracuse. Dromio’s twin, Dromio ofEphesus, returns, and the confusion begins!

Exit NARRATOR stage left.

Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE, DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, and

FIRST MERCHANT from stage right. All stand in front of bench, with ANTIPHOLUS center, DROMIO to his right, andFIRST MERCHANT to his left.

 

FIRST MERCHANT

Therefore give out you are of Epidamnum; This very day a Syracusian merchant

Dies ere the weary sun set in the west. There is your money that I had to keep.

(hands bag of money to DROMIO)

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Many a man would take you at your word, And go indeed, having so good a mean.

6 ✴ THE COMEDY OF ERRORS

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE (to DROMIO)

Go bear it to the Centaur, where we host, And stay there, Dromio, till I come tothee. Within this hour it will be dinner-time: Get thee away.

Exit DROMIO OF SYRACUSE stage right.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE (to FIRST MERCHANT)

A trusty villain, sir, that very oft,

When I am dull with care and melancholy, Lightens my humor with his merry jests.

 

FIRST MERCHANT

Sir, I commend you to your own content.

Exit FIRST MERCHANT stage left.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE (walks downstage center)

He that commends me to mine own content Commends me to the thing I cannot get.

I to the world am like a drop of water That in the ocean seeks another drop, Who, falling there tofind his fellow forth, Unseen, inquisitive, confounds himself: So I, to find a mother and a brother,

In quest of them, unhappy, lose myself.

Enter DROMIO OF EPHESUS from stage right.

Here comes the almanac of my true date.

What now? How chance thou art return’d so soon?

 

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Return’d so soon! Rather approach’d too late: My mistress made it one upon my cheek:

THE COMEDY OF ERRORS ✴ 7

 

She is so hot because the meat is cold;

The meat is cold because you come not home.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

Stop in your wind, sir: tell me this, I pray: Where have you left the money thatI gave you?

 

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

To me, sir? Why, you gave no gold to me.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

Come on, sir knave, have done your foolishness, And tell me how thou hastdisposed thy charge.

 

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

My charge was but to fetch you from the mart Home to your house, thePhoenix, sir, to dinner: My mistress and her sister stays for you.

(gestures toward stage right)

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

What, wilt thou flout me thus unto my face, Being forbid? There, take youthat, sir knave.

(beats DROMIO with his hat)

 

DROMIO OF EPHESUS (covers face with hands and sinks to knees)

What mean you, sir? For God’s sake, hold your hands!

ANTIPHOLUS keeps hitting him; DROMIO is now lying on his back on the floor.

Nay, and you will not, sir, I’ll take my heels.

Exit DROMIO OF EPHESUS stage right. ANTIPHOLUS throws his hat after him.

8 ✴ THE COMEDY OF ERRORS

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

Upon my life, by some device or other The villain is o’er-raught of all my money. I’ll to the Centaur, to go seek this slave:

I greatly fear my money is not safe.

Exit ANTIPHOLUS stage right.

STAGEHANDS move bench to center stage, setting it at an angle facing stage right.

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 3. (ACT II, SCENE II)

Outside of Antipholus of Ephesus’s house.

Enter NARRATOR from stage rear, coming downstage center.

 

NARRATOR

Now Dromio of Syracuse, our first Dromio, comes back and has no idea why Antipholus of Syracuse thinks he was just there. They wind up at the house of Adriana, who thinks Antipholus of Syracuse is actually Antipholus of Ephesus,her husband and his twin—who we haven’t met yet. Confused? Good! So are they!

Exit NARRATOR stage left.

Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE from stage rear; he stands in front of bench.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

The gold I gave to Dromio is laid up

Safe at the Centaur; I could not speak with Dromio since at first

I sent him from the mart. See, here he comes.

Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE from stage right.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

How now sir! Is your merry humor alter’d? Jest with me again. You received no gold?

Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner?

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

I did not see you since you sent me hence, with the gold you gave me.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

Think’st thou I jest? Hold, take thou that, and that.

(beats DROMIO with his hat)

ANTIPHOLUS chases DROMIO around the bench.

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

But, I pray, sir why am I beaten?

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

For flouting me.

ANTIPHOLUS chases DROMIO again, hitting him with his hat. The chase ends with both sitting on the bench.

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Well, sir, I thank you.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

Thank me, sir, for what?

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Marry, sir, for this something that you gave me for nothing.

Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA from stage right. As ADRIANA

approaches ANTIPHOLUS, DROMIO gets up and stands behind bench.

 

ADRIANA

Ay, ay, Antipholus, look strange and frown: Some other mistress hath thysweet aspects; I am not Adriana nor thy wife.

 

ADRIANA grabs ANTIPHOLUS’S arm; he moves farther down the bench, and ADRIANA falls onto it.

Ah, do not tear away thyself from me!

For know, my love, as easy mayest thou fall A drop of water in the breaking gulf,

And take unmingled that same drop again, Without addition or diminishing,

As take from me thyself and not me too. (stands) How dearly would it touch me to the quick, Shouldst thou but hear I were licentious Wouldst thou not spit at me and spurn at me And hurl the name of husband in my face

And from my false hand cut the wedding-ring I know thou canst; and therefore see thou do it.

ADRIANA walks downstage center and addresses the audience.

I am possess’d with an adulterate blot;

My blood is mingled with the crime of lust: (sits again on bench, but not directly next to ANTIPHOLUS)

For if we two be one and thou play false, I do digest the poison of thy flesh,

Being strumpeted by thy contagion.

ADRIANA turns her back to ANTIPHOLUS and pauses. She looks over her shoulder at him and sees he is bewildered.She softens, moves back toward him on the bench, and holds his hand. He allows her to do it but remains confused.

Keep then fair league and truce with thy true bed; I live distain’d, thou undishonored.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE (lets go of her hand and stands)

Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not.

LUCIANA

Fie, brother! How the world is changed with you! When were you wont to use my sister thus?

She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

By Dromio?

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

By me?

 

ADRIANA

By thee.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE (to DROMIO)

How can she thus then call us by our names, Unless it be by inspiration?

 

ADRIANA (stands, faces ANTIPHOLUS)

How ill agrees it with your gravity

To counterfeit thus grossly with your slave, Abetting him to thwart me in my mood!

(tries a gentler approach, holding his arm) Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine: Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE (walks downstage center,

addressing audience)

To me she speaks; she moves me for her theme: What, was I married to her in my dream?

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE (walks downstage center, addressing audience)

This is the fairy land: O spite of spites! We talk with goblins, owls and sprites.

LUCIANA

Why pratest thou to thyself and answer’st not? Dromio, thou drone, thou snail, thou slug,thou sot!

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE (to ANTIPHOLUS)

I am transformed, master; I am an ape.

 

LUCIANA

If thou art changed to aught, ’tis to an ass.

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

’Tis true; she rides me and I long for grass. ’Tis so, I am an ass; else it could never be

But I should know her as well as she knows me.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell? Sleeping or waking? Mad or well-advised? Known unto these, and to myself disguised! I’ll say as they say and persever so,

And in this mist at all adventures go.

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Master, shall I be porter at the gate?

ADRIANA takes DROMIO by the ear and leads him stage right.

 

ADRIANA

Ay; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.

LUCIANA

Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.

 

Exit ADRIANA, LUCIANA, and ANTIPHOLUS stage rear. DROMIO looks to stage right entrance, looks to audience,shrugs, and exits stage right.

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 4. (ACT III, SCENE II)

Outside of Antipholus of Ephesus’s house.

Enter NARRATOR from stage rear, coming downstage center.

 

NARRATOR

Meanwhile, Antipholus of Syracuse falls for Luciana, who is the sister of Antipholus of Ephesus’s wife, Adriana, who thinks this Antipholus is her husband, but he isn’t. Are you following this? Don’t worry about it. Neither are they.

Exit NARRATOR stage left.

Enter LUCIANA and ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE from stage left. They stand in front of bench.

 

LUCIANA

And may it be that you have quite forgot A husband’s office? Shall, Antipholus,

Even in the spring of love, thy love-springs rot? Muffie your false love with some show of blindness: Let not my sister read it in your eye;

Comfort my sister, cheer her, call her wife: ’Tis holy sport to be a little vain,

When the sweet breath of flattery conquers strife.

(sits on downstage side of bench)

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

Your weeping sister is no wife of mine, Nor to her bed no homage do I owe

 

Far more, far more to you do I decline.

(sits next to LUCIANA on bench)

LUCIANA hesitates, enjoying the closeness, then turns to look at

ANTIPHOLUS. She stands and backs away a step.

 

LUCIANA

What, are you mad, that you do reason so?

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

Not mad, but mated; how, I do not know.

(stands; steps toward LUCIANA)

 

LUCIANA

Why call you me love? Call my sister so. (steps back)

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

Call thyself sister, sweet, for I am thee. Thee will I love and with theelead my life: Thou hast no husband yet nor I no wife. Give me thy hand.

ANTIPHOLUS takes a final step toward LUCIANA and takes her hand. He pauses.

 

LUCIANA

O, soft, sir! Hold you still: (lets go of his hand; turns away)

I’ll fetch my sister, to get her good will.

 

Exit LUCIANA stage left.

Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE from stage left, running and out of breath.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

Why, how now, Dromio! Where runn’st thou so fast?

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

I am an ass, I am a woman’s man and besides myself.

(steps to the side; looks behind him)

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE (interested and amused)

What woman’s man? What is she?

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

She’s the kitchen wench and all grease; (looks stage left) She is spherical, like a globe; I could find out countries in her. This drudge, or diviner, laid claim to me, call’d me Dromio;swore I was assured to her; told me what privy marks I had about me, as the mole in myneck, the great wart on my left arm, that I amazed ran from her as a witch.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE (to DROMIO, in a stage whisper)

Go hie thee presently, post to the road: I will not harbor in this town to-night:

If every one knows us and we know none,

’Tis time, I think, to trudge, pack and be gone.

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

As from a bear a man would run for life, So fly I from her that would be my wife.

Exit DROMIO OF SYRACUSE stage right.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

There’s none but witches do inhabit here; But, lest myself be guilty to self-wrong,

I’ll stop mine ears against the mermaid’s song.

Enter ANGELO from stage right, holding a chain.

ANGELO

Master Antipholus,—

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE (startled)

Ay, that’s my name.

 

ANGELO (pause)

I know it well, sir, lo, here is the chain.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE (pause)

What is your will that I shall do with this?

 

ANGELO (pause)

What please yourself, sir: I have made it for you.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

Made it for me, sir! I bespoke it not.

 

ANGELO

Not once, nor twice, but twenty times you have. Go home with it and please your wife withal; And soon at supper-time I’ll visit you

And then receive my money for the chain.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

I pray you, sir, receive the money now,

For fear you ne’er see chain nor money more.

 

ANGELO (pause)

You are a merry man, sir: fare you well.

Exit ANGELO stage right.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

What I should think of this, I cannot tell:

 

I’ll to the mart, and there for Dromio stay If any ship put out, then straight away.

Exit ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE stage right.

 

STAGEHANDS remove bench.

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 5. (ACT V, SCENE I)

A street before a Priory.

Enter NARRATOR from stage rear, coming downstage center.

 

NARRATOR

Meanwhile, Angelo the goldsmith has met Antipholus of Syracuse’s twin,Antipholus of Ephesus, who has denied ever receiving a chain. Antipholus ofEphesus finally shows up, furious that he has been locked out of his house and abused. There is more confusion! We are praying for a happy ending!

Exit NARRATOR stage left.

Enter SECOND MERCHANT and ANGELO from stage right.

 

ANGELO

I am sorry, sir, that I have hinder’d you; But, I protest, he had the chain of me, Though most dishonestly he doth deny it.

 

SECOND MERCHANT

Speak softly; yonder, as I think, he walks.

ANGELO and SECOND MERCHANT hide behind stage right pillar. Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE and DROMIO OF SYRACUSE from

stage right.

 

ANGELO (stage whispers)

’Tis so; and that self chain about his neck Which he forswore mostmonstrously to have. Good sir, draw near to me, I’ll speak to him.

(raises voice)

Signior Antipholus,

This chain you had of me; can you deny it?

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

I think I had; I never did deny it.

 

SECOND MERCHANT

Yes, that you did, sir, and forswore it too.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

Thou art a villain to impeach me thus: I’ll prove mine honor and mine honesty

Against thee presently, if thou darest stand.

 

SECOND MERCHANT

I dare, and do defy thee for a villain.

They draw swords and prepare to fight. Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA from stage right.

ADRIANA

Hold, hurt him not, for God’s sake! He is mad. Some get within him, take his sword away: Bind Dromio too, and bear them to my house.

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Run, master, run; for God’s sake, take a house! This is some priory. In, or we are spoil’d!

Exit ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE and DROMIO OF SYRACUSE stage

rear.

 

Enter EMILIA, the Abbess, from stage rear.

 

EMILIA

Be quiet, people. Wherefore throng you hither?

 

ADRIANA

To fetch my poor distracted husband hence. Let us come in, that we may bind him fast.

 

ADRIANA tries to exit stage rear into the Priory, but EMILIA blocks her way, no matter which path she tries.

 

EMILIA

No, not a creature enters in my house. He took this place for sanctuary.

Therefore depart and leave him here with me.

 

ADRIANA

I will not hence and leave my husband here: And ill it doth beseem your holiness

To separate the husband and the wife.

EMILIA

Be quiet and depart: thou shalt not have him.

 

Exit EMILIA stage rear.

SOUND OPERATOR plays Sound Cue #1 (“Fanfare”).

Enter DUKE SOLINUS and EGEON from stage right. EGEON stands in front of stage left pillar, his wrists bound by rope.

 

LUCIANA

Complain unto the duke of this indignity.

 

DUKE SOLINUS

Yet once again proclaim it publicly,

If any friend will pay the sum for him, He shall not die; so much we tender him.

 

ADRIANA (bows to DUKE SOLINUS)

Justice, most sacred duke, against the abbess!

 

DUKE SOLINUS

She is a virtuous and a reverend lady:

It cannot be that she hath done thee wrong.

 

ADRIANA

May it please your grace, Antipholus, my husband,

This ill day, a most outrageous fit of madness took him;

That desperately he hurried through the street, With him his bondman, all as mad as he—

Then they fled into this abbey, whither we pursued them:

And here the abbess shuts the gates on us.

 

DUKE SOLINUS

Go, some of you, knock at the abbey-gate And bid the lady abbess come to me.

I will determine this before I stir.

Enter SERVANT from stage right.

 

SERVANT

O mistress, mistress, shift and save yourself! My master and his man are both brokeloose,

ADRIANA

Peace, fool! Thy master and his man are here, And that is false thou dost report to us.

SERVANT

Mistress, upon my life, I tell you true.

 

Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS and DROMIO OF EPHESUS from

stage right.

 

ADRIANA

Ay me, it is my husband! Witness you, That he is borne about invisible:

Even now we housed him in the abbey here;

And now he’s there, past thought of human reason.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS (bows)

Justice, most gracious duke, O, grant me justice!

 

EGEON (steps forward, addressing audience)

Unless the fear of death doth make me dote, I see my son Antipholus and Dromio.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

Justice, sweet princess, against that woman there! She whom thou gavest to me to be my wife, Beyond imagination is the wrong

That she this day hath shameless thrown on me.

 

DUKE SOLINUS (stands, with ANTIPHOLUS to his right and

ADRIANA and LUCIANA to his left)

Discover how, and thou shalt find me just.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

This day, great duke, she shut the doors upon me, While she with harlots feasted in my house.

(points stage left)

 

DUKE SOLINUS

A grievous fault! Say, woman, didst thou so?

ADRIANA

No, my good lord: myself, he and my sister To-day did dine together.

 

DUKE SOLINUS

Saw’st thou him enter at the abbey here?

 

ADRIANA

As sure, my liege, as I do see your grace.

 

DUKE SOLINUS

Why, this is strange. Go call the abbess hither. I think you are all mated or stark mad.

Exit LUCIANA stage rear.

 

EGEON

Most mighty duke, vouchsafe me speak a word:

(bows)

Haply I see a friend will save my life And pay the sum that may deliver me.

 

DUKE SOLINUS

Speak freely, Syracusian, what thou wilt.

 

EGEON (approaches ANTIPHOLUS)

Is not your name, sir, call’d Antipholus? And is not that your bondman,Dromio?

Why look you strange on me? You know me well.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

I never saw you in my life till now.

 

EGEON

O, grief hath changed me since you saw me last, And careful hours with time’s deformed hand

 

Have written strange defeatures in my face: But tell me yet, dost thou not know my voice?

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

Neither.

 

EGEON

Dromio, nor thou?

 

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

No, trust me, sir, nor I.

 

EGEON (steps downstage center, addressing audience)

Not know my voice! O time’s extremity,

Hast thou so crack’d and splitted my poor tongue In seven short years, that here my only son Knows not my feeble key of untuned cares?

(turns toward ANTIPHOLUS)

Tell me thou art my son Antipholus.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

I never saw my father in my life.

EGEON, devastated, stumbles back toward stage left and almost collapses from dismay.

Enter EMILIA from stage rear with ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE and

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

 

EMILIA

Most mighty duke, behold a man much wrong’d.

 

ALL gather to look at the men.

 

ADRIANA

I see two husbands, or mine eyes deceive me.

 

DUKE SOLINUS

One of these men is Genius to the other; And so of these. Which is the natural man, And which the spirit? Who deciphers them?

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

I, sir, am Dromio; command him away.

 

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

I, sir, am Dromio; pray, let me stay.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

Egeon art thou not? Or else his ghost?

 

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

O, my old master! Who hath bound him here?

(indignant)

 

EMILIA

Whoever bound him, I will loose his bonds

(she unties EGEON’S wrists)

And gain a husband by his liberty. Speak, old Egeon, if thou be’st the man That hadst a wife once call’d Emilia

That bore thee at a burden two fair sons: O, if thou be’st the same Egeon, speak, And speak unto the same Emilia!

EGEON

If I dream not, thou art Emilia:

If thou art she, tell me where is that son That floated with thee on the fatal raft?

EMILIA

What then became of them I cannot tell (pauses)

I to this fortune that you see me in.

 

DUKE SOLINUS

Why, here begins his morning story right; These two Antipholuses, these two so like, And these two Dromios, one in semblance,— These are the parents to these children, Which accidentally are met together.

 

ADRIANA

Which of you two did dine with me to-day?

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

I, gentle mistress.

 

ADRIANA

And are not you my husband?

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

No; I say nay to that.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

And so do I; yet did she call me so:

And this fair gentlewoman, her sister here, Did call me brother. (to LUCIANA)

What I told you then,

I hope I shall have leisure to make good; If this be not a dream I see and hear.

 

ANGELO

That is the chain, sir, which you had of me.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

I think it be, sir; I deny it not.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

And you, sir, for this chain arrested me.

ANGELO

I think I did, sir; I deny it not.

 

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

These ducats pawn I for my father here.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESEUS offers a bag of money to DUKE SOLINUS, but the DUKE refuses it.

 

DUKE SOLINUS

It shall not need; thy father hath his life.

 

EMILIA

Thirty-three years have I but gone in travail Of you, my sons; and till this present hour My heavy burden ne’er delivered.

 

The rest of the cast and crew start to enter from stage right, left, and rear, as if the news has spread through thetown and they are coming to witness the twins and the reunion of the long lost family.

The duke, my husband and my children both, And you the calendars of their nativity,

Go to a gossips’ feast and go with me; After so long grief, such nativity!

 

DUKE SOLINUS

With all my heart, I’ll gossip at this feast.

 

THE TWO ANTIPHOLUSES AND THE TWO DROMIOS

We came into the world like brother and brother; And now let’s go hand in hand, not one before another.

 

Entire cast repeats the line at top volume, holding hands and facing the audience.

 

ALL

We came into the world like brother and brother; And now let’s go hand in hand, notone before the other!

 

ALL raise hands together with an increasingly loud cheer and take a bow. Exeunt.

CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY

The following is a list of characters that appear in this cutting of

Twelfth Night.

Twenty-three actors performed in the original production. This number can be increased to about thirty or decreased toabout twelve by having actors share or double roles.

For the full breakdown of characters, see Sample Program.

FESTE: Jester to Countess Olivia MARIA: Olivia’s waiting gentlewoman OLIVIA: An Illyrian countess

VIOLA: A lady of Messaline shipwrecked on the coast of Illyria (disguised as Cesario)

MALVOLIO: Steward in Olivia’s household

ORSINO: Duke of Illyria

CURIO: Gentleman serving Orsino

SIR TOBY BELCH: Olivia’s kinsman

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK: Sir Toby’s companion

ATTENDANTS MUSICIANS NARRATORS

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 1. (ACT I, SCENE V)

Olivia’s house.

STAGEHANDS set bench stage right, chair stage left, and table center stage.

Enter NARRATOR from stage rear.

As NARRATOR introduces the roles, players enter from stage rear, cross the stage in character, and exit stage right (see Performance Notes).

 

NARRATOR

Our story takes place in Illyria, an ancient (and mythical) country in Southern Europe on the Adriatic Sea. Two twins, Sebastian and Viola are separated in a shipwreck. Viola, believing her brother Sebastian to be dead, disguises herself as a man and takes a position as a page in the Court of the Duke Orsino, who is romantically pursuing the wealthy Countess Olivia, still mourning the sudden death of her brother. Livingat Olivia’s household is her drunken cousin Sir Toby, with frequent visits by his goofy party friend Sir Andrew Aguecheek.

Also at Olivia’s house are the puritanical and fun- hating Malvolio, the maid, Maria, and the court Fool, who comes and goes as he pleases, Feste: So, our tale begins, with Viola being sent to Olivia’s estate to deliver a love message from the Duke Orsino,

(whispering to audience) whom Viola herself secretly loves. The scene takes place in the courtyard of the estate of Countess Olivia.

 

Exit NARRATOR stage rear.

FESTE, stage right, by bench, is practicing balancing a broom on his chin. Enter MARIA from stage rear. When she enters, FESTE gives a surprised yelp, and the broom drops.

 

MARIA (takes the broom from the ground and sweeps under the table and chair)

Tell me where thou hast been!

My lady will hang thee for thy absence.

 

FESTE

Let her hang me: he that is well hang’d in this world need to fear no colours.

 

MARIA

That may you be bold to say in your foolery.

(sweeps FESTE’S shoes playfully)

FESTE

Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents. (juggles, center stage, and bows to audience)

MARIA

Peace, you rogue, no more o’ that. Here comes my lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.

(places the broom against the table)

 

Exit MARIA stage rear.

 

FESTE (looking upward)

Wit, an’t be thy will, put me into good fooling!

(winks at audience)

Enter LADY OLIVIA stage left with ATTENDANTS behind her and

 

MALVOLIO bringing up the rear. OLIVIA sits in stage left chair, MALVOLIO stands to her right, and ATTENDANTS standon either side of the table.

 

FESTE (with a big bow and flourish of his hat)

God bless thee, lady!

 

OLIVIA (to MALVOLIO)

Take the fool away.

MALVOLIO starts to take FESTE’S arm, but the latter nimbly escapes, spins around, and lands on the bench in a cross-legged pose, smiling cleverly.

 

FESTE

The lady bade take away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.

 

OLIVIA

Sir, I bade them take away you.

FESTE

Lady, I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.

OLIVIA

Make your proof.

 

FESTE (approaches the chair and kneels at OLIVIA’S feet)

Good madonna, why mourn’st thou?

 

OLIVIA

Good fool, for my brother’s death.

FESTE

I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

OLIVIA

I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

 

FESTE

The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother’s soul being in heaven. Takeaway the fool, gentlemen.

 

FESTE stands, puts the fool’s cap on OLIVIA’S head, pauses, and puts it on MALVOLIO’S head instead. He begins tolead MALVOLIO out, stage right, but the latter realizes what is happening and indignantly pushes FESTE away.FESTE tumbles over backward, spins around the stage right pole, and finishes leaning against the pole, smiling. MALVOLIO stiffly assumes his position at OLIVIA’S right, and she cracks a small smile at this foolery.

 

OLIVIA

What think you of this fool, Malvolio? Doth he not mend?

 

MALVOLIO

Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him. Infirmity, that decays the wise, dothever make the better fool.

FESTE

God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! (begins to balance the broom on his chin again)

OLIVIA

How say you to that, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal.

 

MALVOLIO crosses to FESTE and casts the broom across the room with his cane, knocking FESTE to the ground in the process.

FESTE shoots him a dirty look.

 

Look you now, he’s out of his guard already.

ATTENDANT picks up the broom, casually sweeping a little dust toward MALVOLIO, places it at the side of the table,and resumes her position.

 

OLIVIA

O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio.

 

Exit MALVOLIO stage right, cocking his ear as if hearing a knock at the door.

 

(calling after the departing MALVOLIO) There is no slander in an allow’d fool, though he do nothing but rail.

 

FESTE (regains his composure and grasps the broom once more, dancing around the room)

Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speak’st well of fools!

Exit FESTE stage right, still dancing with the broom. Enter MALVOLIO stage right, passing the dancing FESTE andgiving him a dirty look. FESTE sweeps the feet and pants of MALVOLIO, who hurries away, indignant, and takes his place at OLIVIA’S right.

 

MALVOLIO

Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you. What isto be said to him, lady? He’s fortified against any denial.

OLIVIA

Tell him he shall not speak with me.

MALVOLIO

Has been told so.

OLIVIA

What kind o’ man is he?

MALVOLIO

Why, of mankind.

OLIVIA

Of what personage and years is he?

MALVOLIO

Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy; one would think his mother’smilk were scarce out of him.

OLIVIA

Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.

 

MALVOLIO (calling toward curtain)

Gentlewoman, my lady calls.

Exit MALVOLIO stage right. Enter MARIA from curtain.

OLIVIA stands and crosses to table, facing the audience. ATTENDANTS brush her hair and hold the mirror as sheapplies her lipstick.

 

OLIVIA

Give me my veil: come, throw it o’er my face. We’ll once more hear Orsino’s embassy.

 

MARIA places OLIVIA’S veil over her face and then dons her own, as do the ATTENDANTS. They all stand in a line in frontof the chair.

Enter VIOLA, clutching in her hand a rolled up scroll of paper tied with a ribbon. She is confused by the ladies,approaches them, sits on the bench, stands, and tentatively approaches them again.

 

VIOLA

The honourable lady of the house, which is she?

OLIVIA

Speak to me; I shall answer for her. Your will?

 

VIOLA (reading from her paper)

Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty, (stops reading) I pray you,tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her: I would be loathe to cast away my speech.

 

OLIVIA

What are you? What would you?

VIOLA

What I am, and what I would, are as secret as maidenhead: to your ears, divinity; to any other’s, profanation. (looks atATTENDANTS and motions with her head for them to leave)

OLIVIA

Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.

 

Exit MARIA and ATTENDANTS stage rear.

 

VIOLA

Good madam, let me see your face.

 

OLIVIA (moves toward the table and takes a quick peek at the mirror)

You are now out of your text: but we will draw the curtain, and show you thepicture. (removes her veil) Look you, sir, such a one I was, this present: is’t not well done?

 

VIOLA (with a look of admiration, and perhaps some envy or disappointment)

Excellently done, if God did all.

 

OLIVIA

’Tis in grain, sir; ’twill endure wind and weather.

VIOLA

My lord and master loves you.

OLIVIA

How does he love me?

VIOLA

With adorations, with fertile tears,

With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.

OLIVIA

Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him.

(returns to her chair, and sits)

VIOLA

If I did love you in my master’s flame,

 

With such a suffering, such a deadly life, In your denial I would find no sense;

I would not understand it.

 

OLIVIA

Why, what would you?

 

VIOLA (strolls to the stage right pole, leans against it, and gazes out toward the audience)

Make me a willow cabin at your gate, And call upon my soul within the house; Write loyal cantons of contemned love,

And sing them loud even in the dead of night; Halloo your name to the reverberate hills, And make the babbling gossip of the air

Cry out, “Olivia!”

 

OLIVIA (stands up from chair and moves slowly and somewhat seductively toward VIOLA, backing her into the stage right pole)

You might do much. What is your parentage?

 

VIOLA

Above my fortunes, yet my state is well: (clears her throat and tries to speak in a lower, more masculine voice)

I am a gentleman.

OLIVIA

Get you to your lord;

I cannot love him: let him send no more; Unless, perchance, you come to me again, To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well:

I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.

(gives her a large coin)

 

VIOLA

I am no fee’d post, lady; keep your purse: (starts to leave stage right, stops, and turns back)

My master, not myself, lacks recompense. Farewell, fair cruelty.

 

Exit VIOLA stage right.

 

OLIVIA (walking excitedly in a semicircle toward the table, stopping to inspect herself in the mirror)

Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions, and spirit, Do give thee fivefold blazon: not too fast;

(stops center stage to keep herself in check)

Soft, soft!

Even so quickly may one catch the plague?

(catches her breath, leaning against the table for support; takes a sip of wine, fans herself, looks at the wine glass, then drains it in one gulp)

Methinks I feel this youth’s perfections With an invisible and subtle stealth

To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be. What, ho, Malvolio!

Enter MALVOLIO stage right.

 

MALVOLIO

Here, madam, at your service.

OLIVIA

Run after that same peevish messenger,

The county’s man: he left this ring behind him, If that the youth will come this way to-morrow, I’ll give him reasons for’t. (hands him the ring)

Hie thee, Malvolio.

MALVOLIO

Madam, I will.

 

Exit MALVOLIO stage right.

 

OLIVIA (facing front)

I do I know not what; and fear to find Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.

Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe; What is decreed must be, and be this so!

Exit OLIVIA, quickly, stage left.

STAGEHANDS remove bench, place chair stage right, bring on throne and place it to the right of chair, and placetable stage left, setting it with wine bottle, glasses, and a plate of fruit.

Enter NARRATOR from stage rear.

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 2. (ACT II, SCENE IV)

Duke Orsino’s palace.

 

NARRATOR

Back at Duke Orsino’s palace, the Duke has a “man to man” talk with Viola about men’s passions, as Viola struggles to keep her own feelings for the Duke secret.

Exit NARRATOR stage rear.

Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, and CURIO from stage left. Enter DUKE ORSINO’S BAND from stage rear, comically playing over one an- other. DUKE ORSINO sits in his throne, with VIOLA in the chair to his left and CURIO standing to the right of the table. CURIO offers an apple slice to DUKE ORSINO, who takes a thoughtful bite and puts the slice back on the tray. The music stops.

 

DUKE ORSINO

If Music be the food of love, play on! Now, good Cesario, but that pieceof song,

That old and antique song we heard last night: Methought it did relieve my passion much, Come, but one verse.

 

CURIO

He is not here, so please your lordship, that should sing it.

 

CURIO offers an apple slice to VIOLA, who reaches for it then changes her mind. As CURIO passes by BAND, a membergrabs

 

a slice, and the other members roll their eyes. Before she can eat it, CURIO snatches the slice away, looks around,cleans it off a bit, and puts it back on the tray. He then takes a bite of fruit himself, and puts the rest in his pocket.

 

DUKE ORSINO

Who was it?

 

CURIO (regaining his composure, trying not to reveal that he has eaten the fruit)

Feste, the jester, my lord; a fool that the Lady Olivia’s father took much delight in: he is about the house.

 

DUKE ORSINO

Seek him out: and play the tune the while.

Exit CURIO stage left.

Once again, BAND begins to play, each member playing over the other.

 

Come hither, boy: if ever thou shalt love, In the sweet pangs of it remember me; How dost thou like this tune?

 

VIOLA

It gives a very echo to the seat Where Love is throned.

 

VIOLA leans against DUKE ORSINO while the music plays, and both feel a strange sense of discomfort. The music stops.

 

DUKE ORSINO (regains his composure)

Thou dost speak masterly:

My life upon’t, young though thou art, thine eye

 

Hath stay’d upon some favour that it loves; Hath it not, boy?

 

VIOLA

A little, by your favour.

 

DUKE ORSINO

What kind of woman is’t?

 

VIOLA

Of your complexion.

 

VIOLA moves her chair closer to his, beginning to lean against him, when they are surprised.

Enter CURIO and FESTE from stage rear.

 

DUKE ORSINO

O, fellow, come, the song we had last night. It is old and plain,

And dallies with the innocence of love, Like the old age.

 

FESTE

Are you ready, sir?

 

DUKE ORSINO

Ay; prithee, sing.

BAND MEMBER is about to get her chance for a solo, and there is a silence as she takes time to prepare. Shetriumphantly blows one note, but it is interrupted by a sudden whistle from FESTE. Enter DRUMMERS stage right, followed by other members of

FESTE’S BAND. ALL dance and move to the music, with DUKE ORSINO’S BAND eventually joining in.

 

FESTE (with singers repeating certain words) Come away, come away, death, And in sad cypress letme be laid; Fly away, fly away, breath;

I am slain by a fair cruel maid.

My shroud of white, stuck all with yew, O, prepare it!

My part of death, no one so true Did share it.

Not a flower, not a flower sweet,

On my black coffin let there be strown; Not a friend, not a friend greet

My poor corpse, where my bones shall be thrown: A thousand thousand sighs to save,

Lay me, O, where

Sad true lover never find my grave, To weep there!

Exit FESTE, SINGERS, BANDS, and CURIO stage right, all dancing and drumming. DUKE ORSINO and VIOLA look onamusedly. They are alone now.

 

VIOLA

My Lord,

Say that some lady, as perhaps there is, Hath for your love as great a pang of heart As you have for Olivia . . .

 

DUKE ORSINO

There is no woman’s sides

Can bide the beating of so strong a passion As love doth give my heart; no woman’s heart So big, to hold so much. Make no compare Between that love a woman can bear me

And that I owe Olivia.

 

VIOLA (crosses to the table and sneaks a look at herself in her pocket mirror)

Ay, but I know—

 

DUKE ORSINO

What dost thou know?

 

VIOLA (turns to face him; walks slightly forward, center stage)

Too well what love women to men may owe: In faith, they are as true of heart as we.

My father had a daughter loved a man, As it might be, perhaps, were I a woman,

I should your lordship. (throws him a coy, sidelong glance)

 

DUKE ORSINO

And what’s her history?

 

VIOLA (turns her head away from him again; speaks out to audience)

A blank, my lord. She never told her love. And, with a green and yellow melancholy, She sat like Patience on a monument,

Smiling at grief. (turns to him) Was not this love indeed? We men may say more, swear more: but, indeed,

Our shows are more than will; for still we prove Much in our vows, but little in our love.

 

DUKE ORSINO (walks sympathetically toward VIOLA and puts his arm around her shoulder)

But died thy sister of her love, my boy?

 

VIOLA (liking his touch but also finding it hard to bear; pulls away, turns, and takes a step forward)

I am all the daughters of my father’s house,

 

And all the brothers too; and yet I know not.

(pauses; turns back to him)

Sir, shall I to this lady?

 

DUKE ORSINO

Ay, that’s the theme.

To her in haste; give her this jewel; say, My love can give no place, bide no delay.

Exit VIOLA stage right and DUKE ORSINO stage rear, both stopping to look back at each other as they leave.

STAGEHANDS remove throne, move table to center stage, and place two more chairs around the table, setting it withtwo mugs (one large and one small), bottle of wine, pot, pan, and two wooden spoons.

Enter NARRATOR from stage rear.

 

 

 

 

✴ SCENE 3. (ACT II, SCENE III)

Olivia’s house.

 

NARRATOR

Meanwhile, back at Olivia’s house, Sir Toby,

Sir Andrew, and Feste sing and dance the night away. This does not sit well with Malvolio.

Exit NARRATOR stage rear.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK from stage rear. SIR TOBY immediately fills the huge mug forhimself and the small one for his companion. He takes a center stage seat.

 

SIR TOBY BELCH

Approach, Sir Andrew: not to be a-bed after midnight is to be up betimes. (hands the small cup to SIR ANDREW, who examines his meager portion)

 

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK (sits in stage right chair)

I know not: but I know, to be up late is to be up late.

(clink their mugs and drink to that)

 

SIR TOBY BELCH

A false conclusion: I hate it as an unfill’d can. (holds up empty wine bottle and tries to shake out its last fewdrops) To be up after midnight, and to go to bed then, is early; let us therefore eat and drink. (calls to stageleft door) Maria, I say! A stoup of wine! (waves the empty bottle about, attempting to suck out more liquid, somehow)

 

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK

Here comes the fool, i’ faith.

Enter FESTE from stage right.

SIR ANDREW spots FESTE, who motions for him to be quiet as he taps SIR TOBY on his right shoulder, then his left, and hides behind the chair. He peers over the top of the chair, surprising SIR TOBY, who gives a whoop and nearly jumps out of his seat.

 

FESTE

How now, my hearts! Did you never see the picture of We Three?

 

FESTE puts his arm around the two men and produces a flask from his pocket, which delights SIR TOBY. He sits in stage right chair.

 

SIR TOBY BELCH

Welcome, ass. Now let’s have a catch.

 

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK

By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. Now, a song.

SIR TOBY reaches into his own purse, which is empty, so he reaches into SIR ANDREW’S, who doesn’t even notice. SIR TOBY hands a coin to FESTE.

 

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come on; there is sixpence for you: let’s have a song.

 

FESTE

Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?

 

SIR TOBY BELCH

A love-song, a love-song.

 

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK

Ay, ay: I care not for good life.

FESTE gives a flourish and a whistle, and FESTE’S BAND enters noisily to see what the commotion is about. Once thedisorder dies down, SINGERS perform the song, standing between FESTE and TOBY, slightly upstage.

 

SINGERS

O mistress mine, where are you roaming? O, stay and hear; your true-love’s coming, That can sing both high and low:

Trip no further, pretty sweeting; Journeys end in lovers’ meeting, Every wise man’s son doth know. What is love? ’Tis not hereafter; Present mirth hath present laughter; What’s to come is still unsure:

In delay there lies no plenty;

Then come kiss me, sweet-and-twenty, Youth’s a stuff will not endure.

 

SINGERS curtsy coyly to the men as MARIA grabs one of the wine jugs for them to share. Exit SINGERS and MARIA stage left.

 

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK (leaning on his elbows, his face close to SIR TOBY’S, gazing fondly toward where the women once were)

A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.

 

SIR TOBY BELCH (smells his breath and falls back in his chair)

A contagious breath.

 

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK (not realizing SIR TOBY is referring to his breath)

Very sweet and contagious, i’ faith.

 

SIR TOBY BELCH

To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion. But shall we make the welkin dance indeed?

 

SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK

Most certain. Let our catch be, “Thou knave.” Begin, fool: it begins, “Hold thy peace.”

 

FESTE

I shall never begin, if I hold my peace.